To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

Agree. There is a tendency for parents to try and protect their children from any negative feelings - disappointment, stress, failure etc. These are all normal feelings and parents/teachers need to help children to learn how to manage these feelings. If parents swoop in and rescue all the time then it causes more problems in the long term. As a teacher, we are seeing more and more children who lack resilience, and parents who rescue, and complain if their child is exposed to a negative feeling.

OP, I think you did the right and in my opinion loving thing.

The attachment system is such that when a child feels secure with the parent and doesn't have to worry about them they can leave the parent and go out into the world exploring. If something goes wrong they may need to go back to the parent for safety and then when they feel secure again they can leave again to go exploring. If they build up an internalisation of the parent being reliably there when needed it will make them independent, so being allowed to be dependent on the parent is critical in building true resilience. However throughout our whole lives there will be times when the attachment system gets activated and another person is needed (parent or partner usually). However with a child the parent doesn't necessarily need to be there physically- if the child falls and looks round to see it's mother and the mother is calm the child may feel ok enough to carry on. If the child is really hurt the mother may need to go to the child's side. The mother needs to be attuned to the child and be able to make these judgement calls.

In this case it's possible that a phone call would be enough for the child to feel secure and attached again and able to carry on with the sleepover. However, what struck me is that op promised she would pick up the child if the child wanted and that this was the first ever sleepover. If the promise and offer of coming home was reiterated in the phone conversation and the dd really felt this to be true then it might be ok. However, something different may have happened for the dd - she might have internalised that mum didn't really want to come and pick her up and that her mum would really rather prefer her to tough it out. In that case dd would possibly swallow her own anxiety and try to be brave for mum. This would not be a good outcome because the attachment system should be about the child's needs not the mother's.

I would say that op needs to fully talk it through with dd when she comes home and be open to dd having had a horrible night or even an uncomfortable one and being open to hearing that she made the wrong judgement call.

Nine isn't too young for a sleep over- in the past we had them much younger.

DD aged 8 recently had her first sleepover. She hadn't even spent a night away from me or her dad (we aren't together and share custody 50/50). She is quite a shy and clingy child.

She has a tablet and can message us both from it if she was feeling upset. Part of what gave her confidence was knowing that I would come to get her if she wanted to come home- It was my weekend to have her and I stayed looking at my phone till quite late, didn't put it on silent and would've come to pick her up at any time of the night.

I could've gone out for the night, had a drink, seen friends but I purposely stayed in ready to get her if she needed.

She was fine but I still would've come at any point in the night.

I also don't think it's fair on the other mum to deal with an upset child.

Also it was telling that op made the promise to collect dd not really meaning it because she thought her dd would be ok.

I teach primary age chn and parents send slightly under the weather chn in and say I’ll get you if you feel poorly. The child always then says they are poorly and mum said she will get me even if they are fine. They’ve basically been told they can have a day off .Why bother sending them in? You have to mean what you say. I’ve always followed through promises with my chn or I wouldn’t make them.

In your opinion, your 9 year old isn’t too young. Other 9 year olds are not ready. People are different and so are children.

you did the right thing op!

I had similar with my daughter, rushed out … in my pj’s 😂…. By the time I got there she didn’t want to come home any more but I insisted she came home as I thought she would get scared again and call again… then she spent the next week complaining that she hadn’t been allowed to stay 🙄.

My little sister did this to my mum and my mum collected her, more than once. It’s her first time go!

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,”

I would be seriously pissed off if my DH was telling me what I should or shouldn't do with DD and not just doing not himself?!

Sounds like you managed the second call well - "I'm here for you, I will come if you need me to, but I think you can do this" .
The most important emotional lesson a 9 year old needs is to know their caregivers are reliable, this is the absolute predictor of future mental wellness.
The lessons about pushing through, riding the discomfort, not giving up are secondary. Age 9 is sort of on the cusp, you know your child, it was the right call .
I think the bit that red flagged for me was that you mentioned you saw the sleepover as a night off and this, rather than soley your daughter's needs was a factor in your decision about going. When my kids were away it was a night more on than usual, as I knew I had to be switched on, sober and able to respond if needed.

Its a sleep over not a tour of duty in Basra.

The OP didn't sit down and write a contract with her nine year old she said that "if needed" she could pick her up. She sensibly spoke the child who then giggled and was fine and wanted to stay. All entirely normal in the world of 8/9 year olds.

When she comes back normal is "did you have a nice time" and "did you enjoy it" and "do you think you would want to do that a gain or prefer someone to us". Not a full sit down debrief of her trauma which would blow it all out of proportion.

The answers to those questions, especially the third question, will tell you if she is ready to try again in the near future or if its better to wait six+ months before trying it again.

There is such a thing as overthinking and making a drama out of a minor and totally normal wobble when growing up.

Your DH lying on the sofa with a beer is appalling, unless you and he agreed you will stay sober to respond if needed.

"I thought it’d be kinder to give her a bit of time to calm down and see if she can push through"

Its not kind to leave a distressed child to cope on her own. You are the parent and role of a parent is to support their child and teach them how to cope with situations until they are ready to do it on their own.

Good that you phoned her and gave her some encouragement and strength.

I would have been there in a heartbeat. I was that kid that had to be collected in the night at my first sleepover and I will always remember the relief at seeing mum and going home. A year or two later I was ready to sleep away from home without any issues.

And you best support the child in the way the OP did - have a chat and let her carry on rather than swoop in, take her home at the first wobble and teach her that she can't cope. That is how children learn to cope with situations.

There was no "distressed child" here left to cope on her own. There is a child who has now navigated a small wobble, had a chat and learned that she can manage on her own but parents are there if she really did need them.

Absolutely! The child had a wobble, mother reassured her. Child stayed and enjoyed the sleep over. Job done. No drama/therapy/psychoanalysing required

Tour of duty in Basra 😂😂.

Collect her and don't allow her to go on another sleep over until she has been on numerous school camps.
Kids don't need sleep overs. Play dates are fine but they play with their friends every day at school so they are over rated too.
Your kid is uncomfortable so pick her up.

I think you're confusing resilience with resignation.

I also went to sleepovers and brownie camps from age 5/6/7 - and as you say about your children, no tears were shed - I broadly had a good time but there were definitely points that I was anxious or horribly sad and wanted to come home but didn't bother to say anything because I didn't think my mum would come. That's not the same as being a secure, well-rounded human being.

Children - people in general - do not learn the life lessons we think they will when they are anxious, uncertain, stressed or afraid. We have a romanticised view that children will have an epiphany and rally to triumph like we see in the movies, or we assume they will from our adult mindset. But they don't.

My goodness, I hope you went and got her. Poor little girl.

this. no ifs ands or buts.

loads of really nasty responses on here. OP posted as she wasn’t sure what to do for the best. And mine is scarcely an infant. The right thing to do was to chat to the DD which OP did. Stop piling on folks - this is so wrong.