To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

Exactly. 9 is plenty old enough. I think mine were 6-7 when they went on their first one and I had DD’s friend stay over when they were 3, as their dad took my DS to a football match. She was absolutely fine. It’s normal for kids to have a little wobble, i’ve reassured many over the years and none went in the middle of the night.

Okay, you know better than countless SA experts and child psychologists 🤷🏻‍♀️

The cheek of your DH. Assuming he is her dad… why is he telling you what you should do? He could get off the sofa!

Agree with this. I can’t believe the amount of people who say let her get on with it. She is 9!

I don’t allow sleepovers but would go in a heartbeat if my little girl was teary and wanted to come home.

I think I first stayed over age 11. I know many go much younger these days but that’s why you get wobbles, many chn are just not ready unless it’s family. Staying over is very different to just going over to play and maybe have dinner with your friend.

My dd had a sleepover for her 9th birthday. One of the kids got a bit upset and said she wanted to go home. It didn’t even occur to me to message the other mum. It was nearly midnight. She was overtired and needed to go to sleep. I reassured her and told them all to go to sleep. Which they did and I didn’t hear another peep out of them. All fine in the morning. The kid was probably shattered at 11pm

Child psychiatrists have all sorts of opinions and are not a hive mind.

It's true that "run to rescue your child at the first whimper" has become increasingly the norm over the past couple of decades. Funnily enough, issues with childhood anxiety and extreme lack of resilience (talk to the average teacher and you'll see what I mean) seem to have got noticeably worse over the same period. It's almost as though a lot of the advice doesn't seem to work very well?

Personally, I stopped taking The Word Of The Pediatric Expert as God, about the same time as the data started to emerge showing that all the well-intentioned advice about "avoid giving your child peanuts as long as possible!" had actually resulted in a sharp increase in peanut allergies. The thing is, some of us had actually been questioning this for years by this point, having noticed the low rates of peanut allergies in countries where they give them to babies as a weaning food. I'm just giving this as an example, but...

I hope you put your clothes back on and went to collect her.

I like this update. No rushing out the door to pick up a child that is safe and having a little wobble. Honestly the way some woman act on here no wonder the kids grow up with no resilience if mummy is always gonna come running 🤣

See the thread on the 21yo whose mum was contemplating booking a hotel to be close to her as she was a bit drunk as an example of the crazy extension of this "mummy is always there" behaviour. It's not healthy to feel you have to rescue your kids from every minor upset. Resilience in children has declined over the last few years, perhaps changing parental attitudes is why.

This advice has been around since the 80’s, it’s not new. My mother raised us to know she’d always come. I moved abroad in my early 20’s to study and work so it’s hardly made me anxious or affected my mental health. Quite the opposite I’ve always been very independent.

The fact is sleepovers are a common place for abuse to happen, and sexual abusers are statistically most likely to be someone you know, a friends older sibling, a family friend, a family member, a coach etc etc.

There are so many other areas where you can teach independence and resilience. I.e not helping children when they are doing a task and letting them work out how to do it themselves etc, I don’t think sleepovers are a safe place to teach resilience by showing them you won’t come.

All clinical psychologists and therapists broadly agree that in order for a child to develop confidence and resilience, they will need to have a solid sense of trust in their primary carers.
That trust can only be built on delivered promises, honesty and security. A child develops resilience from learning to trust themselves and their own judgement, they are taken at their word. Not dismissed.

The child in question now has to deal with her mother’s broken promise. She now understands her safety net is not there. Her valid feelings are dismissed and ridiculed and she can not rely on either of her parents. That is the messaging here. It’s not so much whether she was sad ‘enough’ to come home.

Wow one of the biggest things we install in our kids, especially at sleepovers is it doesn’t matter the time, or the reason if you aren’t comfortable you call us to come get you. Even my 13 year old calls in the night to get picked up from sleepovers at times.

Good for you OP. I think your approach was absolutely right. Your child was a bit unsure about a new experience so you’ve reassured her and encouraged her to keep going. She’s not distraught, just a bit tearful. She’ll be proud of herself for achieving something new and you’re helping her to develop resilience.

The child in question now has to deal with her mother’s broken promise. She now understands her safety net is not there. Her valid feelings are dismissed and ridiculed and she can not rely on either of her parents

Her mum spoke to her. What a stretch.

Where's the daughter been ridiculed?

Well done OP. I hope your DD had a fab time after her initial wobble. From experience of taking large numbers of similar age girls away overnight , the ones who go home in the middle of the night (after much angst and deliberation) always regret it and feel they missed out.

Exactly. So dramatic! 🙄 She spoke to her child who was having a wobble, reassured her and her child then said she wanted to stay. Good parenting in my opinion.

If you need me , say so and I will come. My daughters used this one sparingly, so I always knew they needed to be home.

I will always be your excuse, you don't need to ask. They used this one often. " mum says no" is a powerful tool. It was always nice to be told what I'd said no to, but an instant no to whatever they were not comfortable with was fine with me.

Uhhhh so selfish.

Not just on DD but the mum!! Don't you think she wants some fucking sleep tonight? Does she need to be on hand all night long incase your daughter continues to feel homesick? You've put too much on a stranger to parent your kid. I wouldn't want your DD back round for a sleepover again, not because of her but because of you!!!

No, her "valid feelings" were actually a moment of normal irrational fears and the child has had a reassuring chat with her mum. now feels better and "had a bit of a giggle" about her wobbly moment earlier. She has been told that if she really can't make it she will be collected but now wants to give it a go as she feels better.

What she will learn from that is that she can do it on her own but her parents are there when she actually needs them. Much better than being swooped on at the first wobble and have her real but not reasonable fears reinforced to make things worse next time. This is a nine year old, not a toddler.

There is no consensus amongst child psychologists that every minor wibble must be swooped on and children must never experience even a moment of uncertainty. Children need to learn they can manage situations themselves with parents for back up rather than parents dealing with the situation for them.

When she’s home I would have a chat about the difference between feeling unsafe and feeling homesick. Stress that the former is definitely a cause for concern and that she should always contact you if she feels this way( talk about what is unsafe.) The latter is usually a passing feeling that is to be expected but is part of staying away from home so she should be encouraged to think carefully before accepting sleepover invitations and expect some feelings of homesickness next time and think about how she will deal with them.

Er, the op updated. Her child was fine after the initial wobble. Calm down.

ive missed the boat telling you to go pick her up but just wanted to say you have possibly risked the chance of her being invited over for another sleepover.
I had this where my little girls friend was sleeping over, it got to about 10.30 and she missed her mum and wanted to go home. I phoned her mum (who promised she would pick her up no matter the time etc) only for her to say she should stick it out… turns out she had gone out for drinks.
I couldn’t drop her home as my car was in the garage and I have 2 younger children sleeping in bed.
I had to sleep on the floor next to my daughters friend holding her hand all night (with a baby monitor next to me hoping the baby wouldn’t wake up) she finally fell asleep about 3am… baby woke at 5.30.
Not the little girls fault at all but I certainly won’t be offering it again any time soon!

Then you wouldn't invite children around to your house for sleep overs because this is part of the deal.

Sometimes children have a bit of a wobble if its the first time in a new place. Mostly they have the wobble, are reassured and do fine. Sometimes even if they don't have a wobble they have a bad dream and wake up or they get sick.

If you don't want to deal with these situations and expect to send a child home just for having a moment's wobble or a bad dream then don't invite them to stay.

You do realise that the vast majority of ‘abuse’ happens in the home of the victim don't you?