To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

I probably would have told DD that we were asleep and she’d have to stick it out until morning!

I am gobsmacked that more than one person has expressed this view, that they are willing to trample over the kid’s feelings and essentially block access to their parents! If I had found out in the morning that my kid was worried and wanted me but the other parent had refused to call me and fobbed my child off with guilt tripping them that I’d be asleep I’d be bloody furious. Absolutely irresponsible behaviour in this situation.

I’d go and get her but can’t understand why your husband thinks you have to be the one to get her. Why can’t he?

I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

Why on earth wouldn’t you want to set that precedent.

\If you don't go an and get her, she will never have the confidence to go to a sleepover again

Why? Because it’s so bloody damaging to kids. I see this in school daily. 11 year olds who can barely function without mummy.

Do you mean the sleepover that no child should go on ever!!!! Because they’re likely being sexually abused???

Precisely, exactly the precedent I will and have set. My eldest couldn't be parted from us for many years, and we have picked up from many a Cub camp etc. She is now a very independent, resilient 14 year old who goes off on ski trips, events, rowing camps etc, and sleepovers etc without a backward glance. So when she called a few months ago at 3am saying she couldn't sleep because her braces were hurting and giving her a headache, too cold etc (I suspect those things had led to her not sleeping, then feeling sad and homesick because everyone else was asleep and she was tired) I went to pick her up with no worries, because I know that she really must have been feeling it to call.

The OP hasn't said that the dad was refusing to go, just saying she should get her as a turn of phrase because the other mum called her. Or maybe he'd had a glass one wine. We always make sure one hasn't had a glass and has their phone on loud just in case.

Guys...OP stopped responding on page 7, she's not coming back. Let it go...

It has evolved into a wider conversation amongst other posters, quite common.

Make sure you talk to her before you make a decision. It might be nothing. You don’t know how the other mother has interpreted things

So your DC’s have never stayed with grandparents or family or been babysat? Never once??

I was thinking this too, I lead a Rainbows group, and children come away with us as young as 5. There is no pressure, and we always do a sleepover at our hut first to check they are ready, as it's nuch easier for parents to collect from there than 2 hours away on camp. In about 20 sleepovers, with hundreds of girls, we have only ever had to ask a parent to collect once, and that was due to a tummy bug, not homesickness.

Oldest is now 9, and she has just got her 10 night sleepover badge, is doing a residential with school later this year. 9 is really not young for a sleepover. That's not to say OP shouldn't go and collect her daughter if absolutely distraught, of course she should, but there is a vast difference between a little wobble and a full meltdown. Any parent who I wouod trust to have my daughter overnight, I would trust to know the difference and communicate appropriately with me.

This is such a stretch. Parents who over indulge their children, ie do everything for them so they can’t do things for themselves, is vastly different to teaching and reinforcing with your children that if they need you, you will come.

My sibling and I were independent and brave, but always knew our mum would come.

I would call her to see what the problem is, then go and get her if needed. She could just need to speak to her mum.

Good you have a good husband (as a father I mean). There were no sleepovers with us until our dc were 18. What is the need for this? Exposure to strangers in the absence of faculties to protect oneself?
Also, mmmm, a desire for a quiet evening v daughter's distress? Are you for real as teenagers say?

DD was a little nervous on sleepovers, I'd always go and get her, unfortunately it carried on into the teenage years when I'd be picking her up at 3am outside a club!
Annoying though it was at times I never let it show and she knew if she needed to get out of somewhere I'd be right there rather than stuck in a bad situation or walking home alone.
I'm her safe place for her and that's no bad thing at all.

Shed 'try to stick it out' she's 9. Did you or your DH go get her?

I would talk to the host parents about what is going on.

Is it a question of, she is really freaking out to the point that it is spoiling the sleepover for everyone else and creating an intolerable situation for the host parents?

Or is it a question of, it's more of a little wobble, but Host Mum felt like she kind of had to let you know because she was a bit worried about you thinking she was being neglectful?

Unless the freakout was severe, I'd probably say nicely that she needs to tough it out; she's 9, not 4. Some kids go to summer camps for a fortnight or more at that age.

Very True

I agree. In this sort of scenario, the other mother is on the front line. And she’s very unlikely just to have picked up the phone and called for the girl to be picked up for nothing; chances are she’s been trying to console an upset child for half an hour or so. If she’s phoned to say “pick her up please”, I wouldn’t see that as negotiable (and certainly not one that’s between the OP and her child). British people aren’t direct; the other mother is never going to say “you must come” and will of course be “lovely” about it. But in her shoes I’d be furious. Hosting a sleepover is fine if all the kids are fine and up to their own thing - not so much if you’re kept up half the night by someone else’s upset child….

If Mum ALWAYS comes, this is the opposite of learning independence.

Learning independence and resilience almost by definition means being out of one's current comfort zone at times.

@Barrenfieldoffucks

OP you have given a textbook example here.

You set the precedent of always collecting your DC’s. You then go on to say:

’My eldest couldn’t be parted from us for many years’

Exactly this! You mollycoddled her and made her insecure and unable to self regulate.

You then say:

’She’s now a resilient, very independent 14 year old’

You then add:

’A few months ago she called at 3am because she had a headache, was cold and her braces were hurting so you immediately picked her up’

So no! She isn’t a tough, resilient 14 year old then, because your helicopter, smothering pandering has resulted in her not being able to cope without you.

Case in point!!!

Can't believe people are saying 9 is young for a sleepover!

In my circles, 7 or so is normal for this kind of thing.

A couple of weeks ago i went out at 11pm, in my PJs to collect my 18 year old from the pub (about a mile away) when it was 0°. I didn't really want to , but I did it because she asked, and I knew that from the next week she wouldn't have the luxury of a mum taxi at uni. She can and does function without me the majority of the time!

When making threats about eg consequences or punishments, parents are often told not to say something unless you're going to follow through with it eg don't say "if you carry on throwing sticks at other children we will leave the park straight away" if you aren't intending to leave straight away.
...but surely the opposite is also true, don't make a promise if it's something you're not really prepared to do.

My DD went on her first residential school trip when she was about 9. She absolutely hated it. She was crying in the middle of the night and a teacher comforted her. She and the teacher told me about it afterwards. When she got back she was really clingy for days afterwards, and very tearful. I wished I had known and was able to get her.

I think you did the right thing, going straight to get her when she wasn’t massively upset would have been the wrong thing as she did want to stay and enjoy the sleepover. Hopefully your call was enough to calm her, and hopefully she has enjoyed it.