To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

1. Why did you say to DD you would pick her up when you clearly had no intension of doing so and then when you phoned her you turn the conversation around to suit you not going?
2. Why did you ask on MN if you should go when again you had no intention of going anyway whatever was said?

What an insane response. You do realise that all the study on sexual abuse advises you to build trust that you’ll always come, so they ask for help in problematic situations and you do this by both telling them you’ll always come and won’t be cross with them, and then backing it up by following through with that and showing up when they ask. There are some seriously shit and naive parents on this thread.

A tad overdramatic

I’d pick her up and have done in a similar situation. I haven’t read the thread because I already know what many of the replies will be 😁.

I think at that age it’s important that kids know they can completely count on you to show up and it’s all contributes to them growing to be secure and confident. Also you don’t know what might have happened, she might really need an out.

Hopefully she settled and enjoyed the rest of it OP. Both of my bigger kids struggled being away from home, and we have always collected whenever and wherever...we are their safety net and I wanted them to know it was always worth calling. They're both pretty resilient kids now who do all sorts of stuff. I would have done the same as you initially though in terms of checking in etc, not because I couldn't be arsed and was hoping to change their mind (am genuinely surprised that your first instinct was that you couldn't be bothered as you were in your PJs, she's only 9) but because I wanted them to have the opportunity to complete it and feel good about it, not miss out on any fun etc. So we would work through various tips to help feel better etc, then if that didn't work one of us would be straight there with no qualms.

What a massive overreaction.

OP has done exactly the right thing: reassured her DD that she would come if really needed, but also helped her grow that little bit more resilient. I know that's unfashionable!

Yeah, but her instinct was that she wouldn't because couldn't be arsed, that comes from a different place all together!

And there are some seriously deluded ones too.

The kindest thing you can do for your DC’s is to turn them into secure, well rounded little humans by allowing them to feel normal emotions and not smothering them every time they feel slightly worried.

The OP spoke to DD and said she would get her if upset. The DD chose to stay. Are you upset that the OP did a good job?

Yeah, but her instinct was that she wouldn't because couldn't be arsed, that comes from a different place altogether!

Ops behaviour is highly manipulative and dishonest. She didn’t call to find out how her dd was, and to decide whether to collect her as you said. The sole purpose of the call was to talk her dd down, minimise her feelings and shame her for feeling sad by calling her ‘silly’.

Op had no intention whatsoever of collecting her dd, and was simply looking for the green light on here.

If another parent left me with a tearful, homesick 9 year old child and refused to collect her despite my phone call to them, I would be seriously judging the shit out of their parenting.

I would see the family as diysfunctional with serious issues. They would not be invited again, and I would be definitely be looking out for that little girl. It’s really heartless,, and I suspect we only know the half of it,

Het father is a useless lump as well, loafing and rolling around on the sofa with a beer rather than doing the right thing for his child.

Given I’ve had a few friends with lifetime trauma from SA that occurred on sleepovers and all the advice is supporting what I’m saying and none for what OP has done, I’m pretty secure in what I’ve pretty posted thanks.

OP is seriously naive thinking that because the sleepover parents are ‘nice’ everything’s fine. My best friend was sexually abused on a sleep over at her nanny’s house. (nanny as in childcare). Normally my friend was looked after in her own home, but her mother was hosting a house party and the nanny had her sleep at her house, where the abuse occurred. Another friend was abused by a friend’s older brother. This is extremely common and why many parents on this thread are shocked by OP’s parenting and questioning it.

The children that were doped with sleeping tablets in smoothies at a sleepover were saved from abuse, because one girl felt uncomfortable and that something was off and texted her mum "Mom please pick me up and say I had a family emergency. I don’t feel safe.”, thank god she did. And she obviously knew her mum would come. OP is conditioning her daughter to not trust she will.

So the OP followed that to the letter. She called DD, told her she would collect if still upset. DD chose to stay and was laughing with DM. No twist on the truth needed here.

My DD was super excited for a sleepover with a few friends when she was that age. The parents let her call me before they settled down for the night. I double checked she was happy and felt happy to stay. She assured me she was really happy and comfortable and definitely wanted to stay. I therefore thought it'd be fine to have a large glass of red and enjoy the rest of the evening. About an hour later I got a call saying she wanted to come home!! £40 in a cab there and back🤣....but I didn't hesitate to pick her up. When she got home she said something about where she was supposed to sleep being too near the fireplace and she was scared she was going to bang her head in her sleep bless her.

Ok so no sleepovers ever, because someone was once abused. Very sad and I get that but you can apply past examples to anything. No crossing the road ever because someone was once hit, no phone ever, because someone once got online abuse.

I honestly cannot be bothered to argue with people on this thread. There is a lot of study to say you should not let your children go on sleepovers full stop because of the risk of SA. The advice on how to risk manage it if you do want to send them, is to always, always pick them up if they ask.

If you want to risk your kids that’s on all of you, and your conscience, but I can guarantee that mum that called is seriously judging OP.

It really makes me sad that parents think this is teaching their children resilience. I grew up in the 80’s and my mother practised this. It’s not ‘gentle parenting’ or creating snowflakes. There are many ways you can teach resilience that don’t include putting your children at risk of SA.

I agree entirely with all your posts @GreylingsSkin

Not someone that was once abused, it is very common place. The advice is, if you must do it, always picking your child up and telling them you will always come, is the best possible thing to prevent it (along with the usual body age appropriate autonomy conversations).

I would think the majority of parents would risk manage the potential for SA, but clearly lot. I hope they don’t live to regret it. SA robs children of their innocence and childhood.

That's a ridiculous leap. You've been watching too much Tik Tok.

Your child will grow up wrapped in bubble wrap. I feel sorry for them. No sleepovers due to SA, so no staying with extended family etc, no crossing roads, no walking to school alone ever. I mean seriously???@GreylingsSkin

I would call and talk to her to gauge if it’s a wobble or she’s really uncomfortable. A sleepover isn’t something she needs to push through.

I’ve never watched tik tok and I don’t use social media except a business account. I have heard many abuse stories from sleep overs first hand from friends. It’s common, can’t understand why people don’t realise this. (Or want to know this).

Omg! Hope you got her. There might be something going on that she can’t explain until she sees you.

This thread has been an eye-opener for me. When I was seven my mother needed major surgery and my father couldn't do work plus school times (I guess) so they put me on a plane to Brazil (alone!) to stay with my Uncle's family for a month. They looked after me very well, but looking back this just seems insane. We had other family much closer! Not sure how I feel about it now,.as the parent on a young girl. I didn't feel being picked up from a normal sleepover was ever an option either. 1990s eh!

You are making a massive leap. I grew up free range in the country side, I sailed, hunted, rode horses, camped with friends, but on sleep overs growing up, I always knew my mother would come and get me if I needed. This translated at parties when I was older, not getting into a car with a drunk driver and stranded because there were no taxis, to calling my mum who I knew wouldn’t get angry, and would always come and get me.

I’ve had a career working and living all over the world, with plenty of adventure. My mother taught me resilience, by teaching me how to keep myself safe. I’ll teach my daughter the same.

This reminds me of my first sleepover aged around 8. My dad dropped me off and I had fun with my friend until I noticed the tension between her mum and dad, they were arguing, although not loudly. I became increasingly uncomfortable and when the mum asked me if I was sure I want to stay, I said I want to go home, so they called my dad, who picked me up straightaway.

OP’s dd’s situation sounds different, I’m glad she stayed and hopefully had fun.