To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

Tell the saintly mum that although you are incredibly grateful to her for the lifts so far, it’s now time for them to start being self reliant and using a taxi which they cost in to their night out. This is important as you say for university time. They need to practice some life logistics whilst still at home with one of you for backstop if essential. It will also teach them budgeting skills. Stress it’s for their own good in the longer term. You have a very genuine and very relevant point.

They are young adults I assume, so they should adult.

Budget for a taxi share.

Book a Premier Inn.

If they don't have that much money they go less often with what they do have until they're earning more.

You nailed it.

How many times do girls complain that parents are "treating them like a child"?🙄
So let them be the adults they claim they are and make their own arrangements.

When I was 18 and out clubbing I taxi’d home… we all split the taxi bill and I stayed at my friends as she lived closer…. We bused or Ferry’d in and caught taxi home…
You shouldn’t be paying the taxi home… they can either afford a night out including getting home, or they either go more local or save up and go clubbing less frequently!
Something has to budge! All 4 girls need to realise that if you can’t afford to go out then you don’t!!! You wouldn’t book a hotel in Spain if you couldn’t afford the transport! … and you shouldn’t arrange a night out drinking if you can’t afford to get home!

Good grief you’re a miserable bunch of angry women on MN! Yes I would always pick my girls up if they wanted me too. No it’s not unreasonable and I’m not a martyr. They’re 18 and just finding their way in the world and it’s actually fun to hear all the chatter and giggling on the way home. Also, we always all text each other when we arrive somewhere safely, send photos etc. I can’t see a problem with that either. It’s part of being a family member. A lot of Mums on here seem to think any care is ‘coddling’ etc. maybe jealousy about other Families close relationships?

I am surprised that not on the table is - the girls just not going out this late.

Maybe I am just old and boring but I couldn't stay up till 3am or wake up at 3am for a lift (and realistically given the distances and four girls to drop off, I guess we are talking being awake and driving between 2 and 4am) without being absolutely wrecked for the rest of the weekend.

And sorry no I wouldn't do that on a regular basis for clubbing - emergency or even airport run would be different.

For me it would be lift at a more reasonable hour - midnight, say - or taxi

To the person who said Uber exists everywhere - you are joking right? I can assure you, it does not.

Some people are talking about how it's much less safe these days. Is there statistical evidence for this, as I suspect it's not correct, simply that there is more media to report on cases and females are no longer ashamed to report attacks and good for them.

If anything I would say it's safer with the ability to use phone trackers, ability to get an uber within minutes in most places and awareness of drink spiking.

If it's so scary and dangerous then surely the best solution is not to let the girls out until 3am clubbing. I would never have been allowed out until that time when living at home before uni - with the benefit of hindsight DM is very anxious, and she had the excuse of the Northern Ireland troubles.

It’s safer now. The violent crime rate has reduced over the years people just don’t perceive that as we hear incessantly about the dreadful crimes via our phones.

I don’t personally collect my just 18 year old. She sometimes gets back around 3. If she asked for a lift I would go as far as 1am but her and her friends organise themselves. Her rural friends often stay with us the girls get an Uber on dhs account back to ours. There was a case of a girl vanishing after a nightclub in our city. Tragic but it was in 1992.

Dd2 friends mother is hilarious she has a huge tank like car and turns up at parties and strides in and escorts the girls into it. No cabs or buses allowed! She grew up overseas in what was a dangerous city though.

I think this is the best solution. Between four sets of parents it shouldn't be too onerous.

Correct - it was no safer years ago when we all went out. And it’s no less safe today. Probably a bit safer due to technology and other factors. What is true is that children /teenagers and therefore young adults are completely wrapped in cotton wool by over protective parents who have no accurate perception of risk. This doesn’t help these kids.

They need to figure this stuff out. In terms of risk on a night out - staying in a club until 3am is a risk. A pre booked taxi home with a reputable company is not a risky part of the evening. A tired mother driving at night is probably more of a risk..in terms of having an accident.

And you are not equipping these young adults with life skills.

I also agree with the poster questioning the pick up time. Why has the other mother said ‘I’m not picking up at 3 I’ll be there at 1’. She hasn’t because her child is spoilt.

I’ve only read the OP’s posts here sorry do maybe it’s been answered but: where the hell are the dads in sll of this?

One of the issues with that is one other parent said they couldn't and the other out of the 4 never responded. So it wouldn't be between 4.
Op has a solution that will work the pick up mum just doesn't seem to like it.

I also agree with the poster questioning the pick up time. Why has the other mother said ‘I’m not picking up at 3 I’ll be there at 1’. She hasn’t because her child is spoilt

Exactly

My dad was lovely about lifts but he would tell me the latest he could manage - I wouldn't have dreamed of taking the piss and suggesting 3am, how selfish is that?

And it's not a one off or a special occasion, where maybe I could understand, it's a regular thing

Yes it’s very much teaching children/young adults to be selfish and spoilt.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking this of my parents at 18!

I'd do this once every other month for my child and friends. My eldest is now 25 and living independently in another city but having lost my young niece who drowned on way home after a night out I'd much rather have a late night and have an alive and well child.

Oh, ffs. Where does that end, then? Go to the Police who might be creeps and/or drinks? Then Court where a Judge might be a creep who drinks?

Absolutely 3am is brutal. That’s a nights sleep trashed. 1am you just about get a normal nights sleep with a lie in.

Can’t believe the level of parental pandering here by this mother it’s ridiculous. So the dds can’t possibly be expected to compromise whatsoever on anything not on timing or number of nights out or the driving kid not drinking but it’s ok for the parents to be seriously inconvenienced. Madness.

Years ago, in the late sixties, my dad and his mates went out clubbing in a big city 30 miles from home. They got there, had their night but they couldn't afford to get home. So they walked. 30 miles. Think they were about 17 or 18. Think it took them most of the following day!

Appreciate walking is definitely not an option and am not suggesting it is! None of them dreamed of ringing their parents is the point.

I got myself home in the 90s from nights out clubbing on buses and taxis. I had an overprotective mother too.

This is embarrassing.

I agree. It’s completely pathetic. God help these girls, the real world is going to be a shock.

@BoldAmberDuck

great you find it fun, hun. Most people wouldn’t be in the mood for giggling and chatter at 3.30am.

If it’s that dangerous why are they allowed out in the first place? Jesus you can’t have it both ways!

They are all old enough to arrange and pay for their own taxi.