To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

It's crazy! They should pay for themselves, share a taxi, or wait until they are at university before going 'clubbing'.

We all do that in our family including the flight number so we can track it. It’s kind of tradition. We wish each other a safe flight and all feel relieved when we get the “landed safely” message.

it’s about being a family and caring for each other.

My daughter had a school friend (male) who knew he had to go to uni because his mum made it clear once he turned 18 he was out as he wasn’t her responsibility any more. I will never stop worrying about my two - its just weirdly easier when they're living away from
home. Maybe because you're not listening for the key in the door.

I text my dad, he texts me when he arrives. But I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal to text someone at home but obviously is for you

And dad and I don’t live in each others pockets but I like to know he has got to a destination with out any delays or travel issues

What If someone doesn't want to send the "I've landed safely " text in your family?

Are they allowed to not send it

I don’t think it’s the big, dramatic message you seem to think it is.

Yeah its fine for the people that WANT to do it

But I know of quite a few people who feel that they are forced to send this kind of text to their mum.

They don't want to send it. But she makes them do it. And will start ringing round other people, if they don't send the text

@Briannaco If we're brutally honest, our young adult children aren't interested in what we middle-aged parents are doing. 😂

@Doxiedolittle

''I will never stop worrying about my two - its just weirdly easier when they're living away from
home. Maybe because you're not listening for the key in the door.''

Exactly this: ☝️

When DS was at home, he used to walk into town and back with his friends, and I'd be so relieved to hear the soft sound of the Yale 🔑 in the lock and the door opening.

I was a surge of relief.

When he went travelling for a year, I didn't worry nearly as much..But would just await the 2am phone call {due to time differences}.

If the girls don’t want to be in a taxi alone - I do remember the last one dropped off always feels a bit vulnerable - then maybe the last two can be dropped off together and sleep over.

It's not just the text I'm talking about.

It's adult children who are hounded by their mums about their whereabouts, when their mums need to let go.

I have one friend . He said that he went on a holiday to Spain with his partner.

His mum has told him that she wants an "ive arrived safely " text from him when he goes anywhere.

He has told her that he doesn't want to do it, as he is tired after travelling and just wants to relax when he gets there, and she says "but I just worry!"

Anyway he got to Spain that time. They got there late. He was tired , didn't text his mum, fell asleep.

His mum rang his partner. She was also asleep and didn't answer.

His mum then rang around five of his friends in the UK in a panic.

My friend was raging when he found out the next day He's 40!

Some mums completely spiral with worry. So people start to get afraid - if they dont send the text , what will their mum do

I agree @oakleaffy. I don't worry much about DD (19) at university but when she's home, I suddenly start worrying more. Totally illogical!

If you’re old enough to go out clubbing, you’re old enough to get home. These girls should be factoring this into the cost of their night out.

I too had a teenage daughter who thought she knew best. I didn't drive and had little spare money for taxis at the time. She was assaulted in the worst possible way, by a stranger. I cannot forget or forgive myself for that day, it's something I have to live with forever. Guilt.

I would not want to pick up at 3am but I would share a rota to do a midnight pick up and forgo a glass or two of wine, I would at a push pick up at 1am as I'm a night owl and if a special occasion like a birthday. But def not 3am.
Are any of the dads prepared to do it?
If no parents aret prepared to do it they will have to book a taxi, spread the cost between them and consider it part of the cost of a night out. Although I understand it's expensive and they don't have many options tbf the parents choose to live rurally not the girls (we live rurally too and I have done many a late night pick up incl new years eve but 3am.is too late even for me!)

where are all the dads?

I mean surely if these girls are not orphans you can all take a hit every 16 weeks (8 parents, they go out every other weekend, that's 1 night every 16 weeks) if that is what you think is essential to keep them safe.

also, if these girls are old enough to have BFs and go clubbing until 3am every other week, then they should be mature enough to organise their transport and save for the cab. or get new boyfriends that can drive them around...

either organise with all 8 involved or stop pampering these girls

I do see where you are coming from because it’s a ridiculous time and a long drive but if you shared it between the four of you it’d only be once every couple of months which I personally don’t think is too much of a big ask, she’s not asking you to give up your weekend to go driving out to the city every weekend. I personally would definitely do this for my DDs.

Girls book a hotel near by!

My mum is in her 90s and she still rings either dsis or me (who then is expected to pass the message on) to let us know she has arrived when she goes away - or she might get a travelling companion to text instead. The only reason she doesn’t text is because she can’t text 🤣

Dh and I both like to hear from DS if he goes on a long trip or long drive (e.g. holiday, drive back to uni) and he is pretty good at sending a quick text or WhatsApp msg to say he’s arrived safely. A while back he had a car problem on one of his drives which ended up needing to call the breakdown service and they brought him and the car home - think it really brought home to him that it is nice to know that there are people waiting for you and looking out for you even if they can’t do much just knowing that somebody knows and cares if you are experiencing a problem is a good morale boost in itself.

And these days of course being able to use Find my phone etc for keeping tabs on family members who give permission is really handy.

If you all think thats bad try living in Ireland, irish mammies and all that (I'm definately one, thankfully kids don't take offence and just laugh)...

I live in ireland too

And they’re old enough to get harassed by creeps, get in a taxi with a creep, or the taxi driver who drinks. Or the pre booked that is late and she’s alone.

Just saying

That's awful, so sorry that happened
It's not your fault though, you shouldn't feel guilty, I know that probably won't make you feel better though.
You don't drive and didn't have much money, what were you supposed to do? x

If they are old enough to be going out clubbing then they are adults and old enough to plan how they are going to get home.
When me and my friends used to go out we either got a taxi back and split the cost of the fare between us (normally if it was reasonably local), and for further afield we took it in turns to be the designated driver.
There was no way our parents would have been expected to collect us in the early hours unless it was a major emergency, and we were expected to fund our own nights out including transport there and back. My parents were happy to help out with costs associated with college/uni studies, but certainly didn’t subsidise my social life.
So no YANBU. When my DC’s get to this age I will expect them to do the above, I won’t mind having a group of them stay though so no one is the last in the taxi or the designated driver isn’t having to drive around dropping off at multiple houses.

Picking them up is not going to prevent them being harrassed by creeps. It's better to teach them to always stick with their friends and never go home without them. It's unlikely that you're going to be available to give them lifts for their entire life and giving the impression that taxes are unsafe could backfire. Wouldn't you rather your child got a taxi home than walk along the streets by themselves at night because they thought taxis were unsafe?

Times are different from when you were young, I think people are forgetting this, I walked home from town because we would have spent our taxi money on that extra drink, you only have to look at the murders, women being killed on nights out to realise this surely