To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I wouldn't be doing this at 3am. Where are they located in regards to the clubs? could they walk or get a taxi to a friend who lives nearest?

Blimey, when I went out clubbing I had to sort myself getting there & back. No way would my parents do a 30 mile round trip picking me up.
They need to pre book a cab & get themselves home

A lot of taxis where I live now clock off around 9/10pm then come back on at midnight and work on the ranks. This is because they get more money. I rang one once to take DS to hospital. At first they said there was non available. But told her DS had had a seizure and had a head injury. I wasn't ringing an ambulance he could walk absolutely fine to a taxi and had no signs of concussion.

At 18 they are old enough to facilitate their own journey home without needing a lift. A licensed taxi driver isn't some sex craved machete wielding maniac (99.5% of them anyway)

I've been getting taxis since I was 18, maybe 17 and funding them myself too. I turned 19 when I went to Uni and couldn't ring my mum to come get me so I had to make my own way home. Still do now at 38, parents live nowhere near me and my husband has the kids when I go out so I figure it out myself as does he.

There is nothing wrong with picking your 18 year old up if you want to but at some point they have to learn to do it by themselves. If they wanted to go even further afield then they would have to also figure that out themselves. They are no safer at 19,20 even 30 and by then they will eventually have moved out getting themselves back home without their parents.

Ha ha? Did you grow up, you sound like a bitcy child.

It sounds like the issue you are all trying to resolve is driving mum’s anxiety. A taxi is the perfect solution, if driving mum can’t handle her precious daughter taking a pre booked cab with her mates then she can carry on with the 3am pick ups. I certainly wouldn’t be doing it! At 18 I was paying for my own taxis home.

My mum always picked me up at 3am fair play to her.

But 18 is still very young. You don’t suddenly stop being a mum when they’re 18

I do alternative club driving with a friend in summer. We call ourselves the “Midnight Mums”
We want to know our girls are safe. Worry kids get separated, drunk, taxi mix up, bad drivers etc. It’s only during few weeks in Summer.

We both feel like best heroic mums. One of us drives there, waits to be sure they get in and the club. Wait few minutes make sure & wait for text. The other mum picks up. We nap in car, watch Netflix etc.

We alternate. No trauma & love talking to kids,

Absolutely. I moved to London for uni and I remember going into central and people moaning at having to get a night bus home because we were later than the tube times, but the night bus took longer.

I was elated we could get a bus 😂

Can you book them a room in a travel lodge or similar.

When I was their age, my friends and I all had to get taxis home or drive ourselves. No way would any of our parents pick us up ( they would often drop us into town, but that was a more reasonable time). We had to factor the cost into our night out.

Can you book them a room in a travelodge?

Gotta say whilst they are still at home and at school I’d be there to pick them up. I’d worry way too much. University is different but not school. My friend’s parents always picked us up from a local club whilst at school but we always stayed at her place and the club was very close to their house and we stayed over. It wasn’t twice a month though, maybe once every 2 months. I’d absolutely do the same.

Definitely old enough to share and pay for a taxi. Their choice to go out and way too old to expect a parent pick up.

Good grief. Who naps in the car? Getting drunk in a nightclub is not some essential activity. Anyone would think your children were going something really important.

Gosh. You watch your adult kids walk into the clubs? And then they have to text you that they’re in? This is not heroic this is helicopter parenting to the max when your kids are adults.

Sure mums still do things like this when heir adult children are in their thirties.

My male friend us a doctor. I'm pointing that out to say he is accomplished and has a job with a lot of responsibility

He told me that when he goes on holiday he has to text his mum to say he's on the plane, and then text her to say he's got to his holiday destination safely

Mums do not normally watch kids go into clubs then have a text conversation…texting when you arrive at a destination is completely normal, the latter isn’t

No they don’t. My mum has never watched me go into a club and still requested a text to say I’m inside. It would be insane to do that to a thirty year old, it’s bad enough for an 18 year old.

it’s a bit different texting to say you’ve arrived on holiday safely

Why are they going on big clubbing nights every weekend? How are they financing this? I think they need to reassess their expectations, they are still at school and living at home, and need to live within their means a bit more. Next year they'll be at uni and can hit the clubs as often as they like, but whilst they live at home and too far from the decent clubs, they need to get a grip and not expect to be having it large every single weekend.

So no, @bringmetolife YANBU, and the other mum has been coddling them. The whole situation is ridiculous.

Why is texting when arriving at a destination normal? Anyone I know that has a mum that asks them to do this, finds it really annoyjng

I never understand the mums that want this.

My mum used to want me to do it, and i put a stop to it.

I pointed out to her that when she goes on holiday,
I never ask her to text me to tell me that she's arrived at her destiantion

I don’t think it’s great that the other parents are just hoping if they stay quiet someone else will pick up their DDs. They need to get involved in figuring out how to share the lifts.

No they don't need to get involved in anything. No-one needs to pick up the DDs. They can make their own arrangements for getting home.

Can you book them a room in a travelodge?

Oh for crying out loud! This infantilisation of grown adults is beyond belief! They can book their own sodding Travelodge!

Isn’t it fairly normal to tell someone at home “hey got here ok”? It certainly isn’t an unusual thing to do

No it's not normal. Because why wouldn't you get there OK?

And it's ONLY mothers who want this from their adult children

I've never heard of a person saying "my mum is going to france with her friend . When she gets there I've told her to text me that she's got there ok"