To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

There have been incidences of women (and men) being assaulted or killed on nights out for a very long time, this is sadly not new.
I still think if they are old enough to go out clubbing (e.g an adult activity) they are old enough to plan ahead for a safe and sensible journey home, which can include pre booking and indeed pre paying for a taxi so they don’t have to worry about spending all their last money on booze. Parents should of course educate them before they start going out on how to keep themselves safe, e.g sticking together, not accepting drinks from strangers etc.
If these girls the OP is referring to are of to uni a few hours away later on in the year, they won’t have mum or dad available to collect them at 3am in the morning then so it’s a good idea for them to get used to planning their transport home now.

I don't think times actually have changed - or if they have, it's safer now.

Also as others have pointed out, the biggest risk to a woman will always be a boyfriend or husband but no one ever suggests you prevent your daughter from dating

Im with you on this one about paying for the taxi but completely understand why the mum feels a bit miffed - although no one asked her to do the lifts… I think your reaction is reasonable but think the other mums are pretty crap for not even offering a solution or replying.
3am is unreasonable if a parent is picking up and if it goes down that route then I guess it’s up to the parent to specify what time they’re willing to collect even if that means midnight.
When I was a late teen, I would never have asked my parents to pick me up, neither did the other girls. We shared the cost of cabs - and we lived 10 miles from the nearest nightclub. That was back when mobiles were only just becoming more common and we didn’t have them. So with tech the way it is now, and the checks on taxi drivers I think it’s safer now than it was.

There’s no accurate perception of risk on here. Yes women are most at risk from partners and people they know. They are far more at risk in the club — being spiked or going off with someone they’ve just met.

Being attacked by a pre booked taxi driver from a reputable company? Especially if they all stay at one girls house so nobody is ever in the cab alone?

YANBU by suggesting they share a pre-booked cab that has been verified by you. This may not be relevant, but my parents never picked us up from boozy nights in town when I was a teen - we all shared a cab and normally took turns at sleeping at one another’s houses.

Your husband should do it.
If they are too drunk, someone may have to carry them and a man can manage better.

I agree that you shouldn't have to pick up your daughter and friends at that time in the morning, and if they pre-book a taxi that they all (or you) pay for between them that should do the trick.

I never got picked up from nights out when i was that age, simply got in a passing dodgy taxi and took my chances (not ideal!), so if you are able to pre-book taxis that would be the perfect solution. The driving mum might still have resistance to this idea, worrying about strangers driving her daughter home, but these girls need to get themselves organised in preparation for the grown-up world, fussing over them and sacrificing your relaxing evenings for them isn't going to do them any favours.

The mums who went silent on the chat need to speak up about what arrangement they are prepared to go along with, as you and the driver mum shouldn't shoulder travel costs alone on behalf of their offspring, so ask them pointedly what they think and are prepared to do or pay.

Why don't the girls all chip in and get a cheap hotel in the town where they are partying? Someone can then drop them off in the evening so they can get ready there and then pick up the next day around 11ish when they have to leave the hotel. All the parents then get their Saturday night to do as they please. If an taxi is about £60 I'm sure a travelodge or something similar can't be far off that.

My 15 year old was sexually harassed on a bus at 4pm wearing a regulation school tracksuit and no make up, Am I expected to give up my job and follow her around with a large stick?

Yes. If predators want to cover their tracks they are far more likely to prey in nightclubs or on the streets than in taxis. They are tracked nowadays in real time.

No way Id have wanted my mum picking me up from a night out lol...how embarrassing...like after a school disco🤣 Parents need to let go a bit!! Prebooked taxi, paid by themselves sounds a good idea

OP please ignore all the posts saying that you should pick the girls up. For all those mums worrying about their safety I’m sorry but what is your safety plan for them inside the clubs etc as well?! Based on those thoughts, you should be chaperoning them all night to make sure they’re not spiked, to make sure no man pulls them into the bathroom etc. And at what age will it end?! When they’re 21 the risk of them getting attacked is still the same. Given that the risk here appears to be getting a taxi, I would argue a 30 year old lone woman is more at risk than 3/4 18 year olds all catching a taxi together.

A pre booked taxi from a reputable company is perfectly acceptable. And still very very cautious compared to what a lot of young people do! Most probably find a taxi when they’re out- they won’t be the only young people getting a taxi home. Not all taxi drivers are predators, that’s very discriminatory.

She had said 18, and they would have to be or they wouldn’t be drinking and clubbing

Hate to say it but agree with many they are old enough to go out they are old enough to make own arrangements.
The threat on women is very real and we should have to still in this day and age do what we had to do growing up. I would have a brew with the other mum find out why she feels it's necessary to collect rather than they make their own way.

Where I lived I had to travel in a taxi down a wooded country lane in a taxi on my own no choice due to me being the furthest out from my friends but we had measures in place.
We always took the number plate and drives details. And I was always on the phone to my friend who was out before me until I was safely locked back in my house ( parents)

Do the girls have hollieguard down loaded
Do they ensure drinks either have covers or are not left unattended
Do they ensure they always always stay together. Arrive together leave together.
Do they know to have their keys accessible and between their fingers if they feel threatened
Do they know to always use a precooked taxi company and have the details sent to who and when they are being picked up so they not only share with each other but their parents.

Do they always have to drink or can they take it in turns driving. When we were to skint to do the taxi as an extra cost of our night one of us drove and didn't drink because it was about going out and having fun but then again I used to go with my sister from 15 so I honestly just went for the clubbing not the drinking 🤣
We also had each other's parents contacts so that should anything ever happen or we got separated we had an emergency contact for each of us and ourselves

It's not unreasonable of you to want to have to traipse out at 3am that's your choice as a mum of a daughter these days I possibly would be more inclined to but I also like my sleep and at some point I have to trust everything I have taught her about being safe and keeping safe and her friends safe has sunk in.

I have to admit DH another kettle as DD 15 and he won't allow her to walk 8 min to an early evening train to then go 1 stop to then walk 4 min to her club something I'm more inclined to start trying as I'm not her from 630am - 6 on that day and it clashes with our DS club which is 18mile away. So instead currently GP involved but they are not 100% fit though more than willing to do and help

YANBU. At 18 yrs of age they are adults and need to sort out their own transport home, and if they can’t they shouldn’t be going.
It sounds like the other mum is over protective, she made the decision to pick them up and in doing so made a rod for her own back, what does she think will happen when they start university? They’ll have to think for themselves then. Babysitting adult children does not prepare them for the real world.

Nah. My dad did occasionally get me at 1am which is more than reasonable. I’d not be going anywhere at 3am.

If you're old enough to go out, you're old enough to sort yourself out getting home. My DD and her mates go to our nearest big city and a taxi is normally £50-60, they just split the cost and accept that's part of their night out. No way I'd be driving out to get them, they regularly stumble in at 5am.

Of course, we don’t ask, we just all do it. No one is forced. We also follow it up with “love you” for the outward journey

probably in case it’s the last text we ever send. Morbid possibly but I guess along the same lines as never storming out on a nasty argument without at least trying to resolve it. if something happens you’ve left a doubly distressing memory and no opportunity to tell them you loved them.

Absolutely agree. I was shocked by how many MN’s think at 18 their kids are adult. I thought was too at that age and was fiercely independent and chose not to move to Cornwall with my family and live on my own in the city. I was incredibly niaive and recall choosing to walk home as I couldn’t afford a taxi. I was subsequently chased by someone who clearly had nefarious intentions. Thank goodness I managed to run like hell and catch up to a couple and beg for their protection and the would be attacker ran off. That was in the 80’s. It’s far worse now.

YANBU if they are old enough to go clubbing, they are old enough to sort out transport there / back. Instead of their parents being tied to not having a glass of wine, not being around, not having an early night etc. I wouldn't get involved in it. Lovely other mum has been doing it but doesn't obligate you

They are adults at 18 and it’s not worse now.

You weren’t really a trailblazer leaving home at 18. Most go to Uni at that age..the naive ones are those that are not street smart and have been wrapped in cotton wool by over protective parents. They then make questionable decisions as they’ve not been used to thinking independently.

You need to learn to be able to keep yourself safe.

And how should young women learn that? By almost, or worse, being attacked. Trust me my mother warned me but I didn’t pay any attention to her. As mothers of young women we know only too well what they will
face. My daughter was just 15 when she experienced her first sexual harassment encounter from an older boss whilst working at TGI Fridays. I’m not saying that sexual harassers are also rapists, just commenting on what every woman will face in her lifetime and it definitely is, sadly, far worse now.

The Andrew Tates of this world have put respect for women back 40 years. It’s just not safe now unless in numbers and yes they do learn that at university but not before unless it’s the hard, potentially life altering, way.

But if you can live with the guilt of not making sure they were as safe as you could help them to be, and pass the blame onto your naive daughter(s) who “have to learn”, fine that’s your choice.

Many people left home at 18 in the 80s. I personally was very streetwise at 18 and there is no way I would have walked home late at night rather than get a pre booked taxi. Perhaps that is because my my parents and friends parents taught us how to look after ourselves. Taxis are not worse now. Quite the opposite as they are tracked.

Surely if you want your children to safe it is better to teach them to get taxis home rather than suggest that they are unsafe. You aren't always going to be there to pick your DD up and if they don't think taxis are a safe option they might be more inclined to walk.

I think you suggestion is a good one. Really the girls should be sorting this for themselves, it’s part of arranging a night out.