To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

This. Just this. Drop the rope

A safe solution will be needed for a few years.

A few years? At what age are adults expected to be capable of managing their own lives?

Absolutely they should get a taxi, it’s an entirely reasonable solution.

I sleep as normal when dc is at university, I have no idea what she’s doing or what time home. There are parents on wiwikau facebook who track and check they are back in though..
It’s different if she’s here I just don’t settle the same knowing she’s out and I’ll hear her coming back in. Mum Instinct?
All the incredulous at middle aged mums being awake at 3am I assume haven’t hit peri menopause yet. It’s one of my most awake times…

So, op-have you had a discussion with your dd about what she thinks going forward? Are any of them going to learn to drive? Would they share taxis? Would they consider going less? What will they do when they are 19/21/23/25?

I'd suggest they go once a month and take turns to organise lifts. If that person's mum/dad doesn't want to drive and the girl hasn't passed her driving test, she pays the taxi.

I would be prepared to pick up at 11pm or 6am but anything in between would completely screw up my sleeping and therefore my weekend. I would do it in an emergency of course, but even once every 2 months would feel like a horrific burden.

I would once again suggest a taxi and say all the girls can stay at yours when they get back
So nobody in the taxi on their own.

I get that the DM is anxious, but far worse things are likely to happen in the club - drink spiking, theft etc. - than on a taxi ride home with friends and a known reputable driver. If she is that worried, then she shouldn't be letting her DD stay out so late.

They will need to knock it on the head soon anyway with mocks and A levels coming up. Plenty of time for late night partying once they are in their own accommodation.

I was travelling by train and tube to see my sister way before that age. At 18 5 of us went abroad for a week, parents didn't help organise it or anything we did it ourselves and got the coach to and from the airport.
If they are old enough to go clubbing they are old enough to be responsible and plan their journey home.

I’ve just looked and there are Ubers in south Devon, I’m not sure if you understand how Ubers work but they don’t just sit around the area waiting, one will drive from the nearest location to that job so like I said Ubers are everywhere……..

On the why don’t they drive lots of teens drive on black boxes which limits times able to be driving as insurance is astronomical. If you haven’t insured a teen in last couple of years it’s gone up a lot.
ID has really changed things. Again people harking back to older days. Even the pretty crappy club in nearby town shines something to flag up fake IDs. The pub near school ID’s at door and bar and spot checks in beer garden, kids not 18 when they left school couldn’t even go out the last day celebrating, it’s really rubbish being young in year.
They sound very like mine that it was a novelty and as each one turned 18 they had a night out in the night club - it’s x’s first time to go.
Personally I was always happy to do lifts for dc and her friends and it was just part and parcel. A nice to do thing. It was for such a short period of time. I definitely encouraged public transport if practical, some mums insisted on lifts everywhere.

Have you actually ever looked?………

There are nightclubs in my local town, but Uber doesn't exist here. There are taxis, however.

Thank you for all the replies, I’m surprised that so many people are happy to do the early hours pick ups but it’s been really helpful to hear that other perspective. To answer a few questions:

Yes there really, really is no uber!
DD is learning to drive, but not passed her test yet. I think one of the girls has passed her test but it would fall on her a bit unfairly at the moment
DD is happy to get a taxi and i have said I will pay for this until she finish school - she pays for the rest of her social life from allowance/ wages.

DD told me this morning that driving Mum asked her a couple of things about the taxi company in the car, and she explained that they took her brother to school for years and that we use them regularly. So maybe we are getting close to a resolution.

There must be taxis or ubers in the city she visits. It's not essential for your DD to learn to drive as it wouldn't solve the issue. She'd end up not being able to drink alcohol and would feel obliged to drive her drunk friends home. She needs to either stay local or get a taxi home.

So it’s “unfair” for the driving girl to be denied the human right to get pissed but it is “fair” for the mums to decimate their own social lives / sleep so all four girls can all get hammered together. Sorry but that is Absolutely insane!

Uber exists everywhere, why would it not exist? They just drive from area to area 🙄

Sounds like a good solution. Looks like 85% of people agree with you. So not many would be happy to do it!

Some people just wrap their (adult) children in cotton wool far too much. Nothing wrong with a decent taxi firm.

I would be ruined for days if I had to do a 3am pick up. My parents wouldn’t haven dreamt of such a thing. I made my own way home - taxi, night bus etc from around 16. I think if you’ve been brought up to be independent then you try and pass that on.

Where is your roundabout sort of area? I’ll check the Uber app…..

I know. Some of the responses are a bit bonkers. Surely a middle aged, ? perimenopausal, likely working woman's sleep and energy levels are more of a priority than 4 teenagers wanting to get pissed at a club every other weekend and probably on other occasions too.

Uber exists everywhere, why would it not exist? They just drive from area to area

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Good one!

Um. No. It doesn't exist 'everywhere ' in the UK 🙄

But if the nearest one is 20 miles away, they're not going to drive to your location just to do a quick job are they?

I might do it occasionally if I wasn’t doing anything else but collection 1am sharp take it or leave it.

Oh come off it! It's hardly the end of the world to do one pickup at 3 am ONCE EVERY TWO MONTHS - that's not going to decimate anyone's social life! The OP could sleep earlier in the evening, go back to bed when she's picked the girls up, and then have a nice lie in on the Sunday morning. And unless I've missed something, the OP hasn't suggested that the girls are getting hammered when they go out - the mother who has been collecting them is worried about their safety getting home in the middle of the night.

Some areas don’t give uber a licence for
public policy reasons

3am? Fuck that - nights sleep ruined so a lass who can drive can have a drink. Nope.