To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

If she can drive why can’t she drive?! Because she wants to hit the aperol that’s why!!

The girls should be organising transport themselves, not expecting mums to form a rota for pickups at 3am. I work all week, I'm going nowhere at 3am bar an emergency.

Also, no, Uber doesn't exist everywhere. We do not have Uber. Not licensed here.

Yes there really, really is no uber!
DD is learning to drive, but not passed her test yet. I think one of the girls has passed her test but it would fall on her a bit unfairly at the moment
DD is happy to get a taxi and i have said I will pay for this until she finish school - she pays for the rest of her social life from allowance/ wages.

I think the decent to do would be to give your dd the full taxi money.

Please stop using this woman for free lifts, a restaurant voucher is not good enough.

I really hope she tells all the parents she won’t be your mug anymore.

Its surely not much to expect the girls to factor 15 quid for a taxi into their budget for their night out?

I think one of the girls has passed her test but it would fall on her a bit unfairly at the moment

I would suggest the girls share a taxi every time. They might need to only go once a month to afford it, but that is reasonable.

If they don't want to do that, they could each take a turn, where they either organise a lift home, pay for the taxi or driving girl could drive if she wanted to for her 'turn'.

This just wouldn't have been any concern of my mum's when I was 18!

Taxi sharing for the teens out on the lash is the normal solution, not buggering up the social life/lie-ins of working parents.

The other mother has chosen to be the martyr here due to her overprotectiveness. She’s done them no favours. They’d have had to figure it out if she wasn’t ferrying them around like toddlers. Maybe they wouldn’t have gone out so much? Maybe they’d have saved some money for taxis..

Um yes they do……..I live in a rural area and they will drive to an even more rural area because they earn the same wherever they go…… the majority come from Wolverhampton to here which is around 70 miles away and will go as far as they want throughout the day………

Not so much case of not existing but where my friend lives you can't use the app to find a Uber. Just checked the list incase was that one time and it's not on there as somewhere they operate either so some places you can't. Rare but happens.
You can get one to there but never from. Bolt however you can. So not sure why not Uber

@bringmetolife

your daughters friends mum can choose to be a martyr if she wants but you don’t have to. YANBU

@PeppyGreenFinch

its that woman’s choice to give the lifts I.e be a martyr, Op isn’t dictating to her

I grew up in a rural area which was a taxi ride from a big town and big city.

even today, there are no Ubers. Taxis need to be booked at least a week in advance and local firms are often one man bands.

taxi firms in the city wouldn’t want to take you that far when they wouldn’t have a return journey.

black cabs would be ££££&

And I said I’m hoping she stops giving all these entitled people lifts.

How many of the posters who said they would actually do pick their kids up at 3am twice a month? And do they have jobs?

My Dad used to do this for me, way back in my dim and distant past. The town I lived in sounds much like yours, OP. Last bus to the bigger town was 6 pm and last bus home was 8.30 pm!! So absolutely zero good for going out in the evening. A taxi now, would cost in the same region. My Dad had a rule, no later than 1 am, which we had to stick too. I think it's rather inconsiderate of the teens involved expecting a parent (regardless of which parent) to pick them all up at 3 am. It's the middle of the night. It sounds like this particular Mum has had enough (rightly so), and is no longer willing to do this any longer. If no other parent is willing to take a turn (even if the girls came home earlier), then there's no options left, other than for them to factor in taxi money into their night out. If the girls aren't working full-time, and only have weekend jobs, then it may be down to the parents to provide that money, to make sure the money is available. At the end of the day, no one can have it all ways!

OP there is NO need to pick them up IMO. They are adults and managing the slight, measured and reasonable ‘risk’ of a pre booked shared taxi is just - life.

I was aware by the time I started clubbing at 16 that my mother had a stressful job like yours, needed her sleep (and a couple of glasses on wine on a Saturday night!) and wouldn’t have dreamed of asking for a 3am pick-up. We used to split a taxi between a few friends and sleepover at one of our houses, both to save on taxi fare and so no one was alone in the taxi. We then made our own way home the next day.

I would offer, going forward, to pay for the girl’s taxis when it’s ‘your turn’. She can pick up the other time. Ideally the other two parents would contribute in terms of lifts or taxi money but some people always manage to avoid that kind of thing! If she insists on picking up her daughter on taxi week then that’s her lookout. You are under no obligation to get up at 3am short of an emergency!

They will all soon be at uni or similar and need to learn to manage themselves. Getting home from a night out without mummy at the wheel is training slopes for this imo.

It might technically exist everywhere but if you're an Uber driver in a town in Devon for example and someone tries to book you from a tiny village 30 miles away are you going to drive over there and do a little job or are you going to stay in the town and wait for the next job that is less than 2 miles away from you? I live in a medium sized town on the south coast and getting an Uber is so hit and miss that we don't bother. Many places still rely on proper taxis.

You have no obligation to do this. The girls are quite capable of clubbing together for a taxi and prebooking it. One mum choosing to martyr herself and do 3am taxi runs does not oblige anyone to follow suit when there are safe and affordable alternatives.

I would hold the line that you totally agree with her that she has done enough and she shouldn't do any more but that doesn't mean other mums have to step in. Taxi drivers are paid to do this work.

Is there a taxi firm that can offer a female driver? That might appease the other mother.

The entitlement from the three girls is off the scale for me here. Don't worry about any guilt towards to the driving mum. Her collecting them is on her, nobody else. The lassies should absolutely be booking and paying for their own taxi. Absolutely the end of the story.

Edited for spelling mistake.

The mum is choosing to that, she doesn't have to. They are adults and can sort themselves out.
It isn't fair for one of the girls to always drive as she probably wants a drink as well.
The obvious solution is the one op suggested they get a taxi.

The mum is insisting that she has to get them. The girls have said they would get a taxi!

I wouldn't say they are entitled, I just think it's poor communication. The driver mum should have had words with her daughter sooner to say she wasn't happy being the driver every time.
Its likely this girl told her friends mum was ok with it.
The girl should have then been able to say to her friends her mum wouldn't be able to pick them up each time and they should then have discussed taxi arrangements if the other girls said their parents didn't want to do it (note how it is the girls who should have been discussing this, not the parents).

I think it is a bit excessive going out twice a month where transport is an issue, and perhaps having to budget themselves will make them cut back. It's not like they have nothing where they live, and while a pub might not be as fun, it's not like there is nowhere for them. If they normally pre drink at someone's house maybe this will also become more of an option and they can just do that.

Forward the message on to all of the Dads, see if they'll do it?

Exactly. It's all very well saying it's only once a month and that you can 'have a nice lie in' or whatever, completely failing to understand that many women with teenagers are at an age where they can't just fall asleep any time they like and have lie ins like a teenager. It's the rest of the responsibilities that most women in their 40s have; often a full time, demanding job, likely responsibility for other, quite possibly younger children, possibly caring for their ageing parents. A lot of women of this sort of age group are working jolly hard through the week, cleaning, etc at the weekend and need their sleep in order to recharge before the next busy week. This is far more of a priority than some adult aged teenagers going clubbing twice a month. It is definitely entitled and selfish if the girls are expecting bimonthly lifts at 3am, depriving their parents of most of the night's sleep. Btw, where are the dads in this? Why are all the lifts falling on the mums?

My DS isn’t allowed to drive past 10pm with his black box, otherwise he gets negative points and it increases his insurance premiums