To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

This is nonsense. Taxi drivers aren't 'strange men' they are professionals doing their jobs, assuming licenced taxi company. And taxis will obviously carry 4 drunk adults as long as they aren't puking or passed out. Have you never taken a taxi after a night out before??

I feel like I live in a different world to some people. Surely taxis pickup 18 year olds from clubs all the time.

Yes taxis for 18yr olds are the norm around here and certainly not £50 to £60 for 13miles but maybe it's a postcode thing.

This. Entirely.

Cottonwooling these people is not doing them any favours.

We live in a village with no bus service and a taxi from the nearest town is about £40.
DH did lifts for years, and he gave lifts to various friends in neighbouring villages who's parents never did lifts.
We considered it the price you pay for bringing up kids in a rural area. Once the DC were earning they would share the cost of a taxi.
DC are grown up now but if they're home over Christmas DH will still offer a lift to the pub or to friends.

I don't think it's unreasonable to do it from time to time whilc they are still at school.

I grew up in a small area where it was mainly a couple pubs and a small night club. So again once/twice a month us girls would venture further out. It was always my Dad or one of my friend's parents that would drop us there and collect. I look back and think how amazing were they to do so and again it'd be a minimum of a 40 mile round trip depending on which area we went. Often ourselves not getting to bed until 3 am. My Dad worked 6 days a week so a Sunday was his only relaxing chill day. For that reason alone I would have to do it for my children, it would not feel right if I didn't. I think though that if you really can't the solution to prebook the taxi where the people are known to you and you pay whilst your daughter is studying is not an unreasonable option. It does seem unfair for it to be the one parent always driving.

I'd imagine this is what taxi drivers spend the majority of their evenings doing. They're adults. I went on holiday with my boyfriend at 19, getting taxis abroad. At what age do you start teaching DC life skills?

I dont disagree that they can fund it themselves but imo its the last of their "childhood" nd I would absolutely do it for my dd and her friends.

She will remember her friends mum did it.

The other mum has done it by choice and no longer wants to. You and the other mums don't want to.

The girls need to work out another way of getting home or they don't go out. They are old enough to work around college hours to pay for a taxi.

They share a taxi and pay for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

i will pick up my 16 year old lad from any parties he goes to but obvs hes 16. I was going out from age 17+ and always got a taxi home. Generally cost me (back in 90s/00s) around £15 to where i lived

I think clubbing until 3 a.m. is the beginning of adulthood rather than the last of childhood. I would pay for my child's share but it is perfectly normal to get a taxi home. If it's not safe when they are 18 why would it be safe when they are 19 and potentially not living at home?

I would ABSOULUTELY pick up my 18 year old daughter on a rota and give up my bottle/glasses of wine every 6-8 weeks to do so!
.All her friends live in separate towns and she would always be the last one in the taxi. She and I are just not comfortable with this.
I'm genuinely bemused a lot of poster's wouldn't do this for their son/daughter every 6-8 weeks - 2 months?
Different strokes for different folks I guess!

Hasn't this only become such a habit as they have a "taxi service"?

Shouldn't it be that they only go when someone is willing to bring them back?

(Or they decide to fund a taxi?)

Its very nice of the other mum to collect them, but also totally understandable that you don't want to.
Mine aren't quite that age yet but I already know there is no way that we will be collecting them. I have a busy full time job, I need sleep at the weekend and it would affect me for days after having no sleep on the Saturday night.
When i was 18 we went out every weekend , Friday and Saturday night sometimes, parents would give us a lift up there (i would be happy to do this) and shared taxi back staying at someone's house. Mine will have to do the same

Give up an entire night's sleep and wreck the following day so that my teenager can go clubbing? Not a chance. Driving for an hour at 2am might be a small thing to some people but to those of us with insomnia it means zero sleep. So no, it's a bridge too far. I also don't believe that taxi drivers working for licensed firms with tracked vehicles are dangerous. Get your DD to take a photo of the taxi's licence number and text it to you before the journey if you're worried.

I would always pick up my kids (and/or any of their friends if they needed it) the suggestion from driving mum is basically once every 4 nights out, although given the other responses or lack thereof it seems it would be every other night out. Why would anyone begrudge making sure their girls got home safely once a month? One bloody night??? I wonder how many parents are sitting there now just wishing more than anything that they had picked their daughter up.

I think you should agree to do this first pick up and it's right that you thanked the other Mum for her many nights of pickups. You could pick them up and have conversations before they plan to go out again.
Admit that you can not sustain picking the girls up every month regularly. Be honest.

The girls need to find their own solution that doesn't rely on the other Mum more than once every second month and you and the other Mums for however many times they volunteer.

The prepaid taxi is a sound idea.
They could be dropped off and sleep at one girl's home.

A safe solution will be needed for a few years.
Can any of the Dads pick them up?

If they're out clubbing they're adults. This sounds crazy to me. Mums what's app group for adults? Going out to collect them at 3am is bonkers unless it's a one off where they end up stranded for some reason.
When I was 18 I always kept aside a full taxi fare which was about £25-30 so I always knew I could get home. It never occurred to me to ask my parents for a lift and none of my friends or anyone I met out was ever picked up by a parent. Things were just as risky for young women back then too.

As I've said a couple of times already - as I have insomnia this would mean losing a whole night's sleep. If it's a choice between my teen missing a night clubbing and me missing a night of sleep then the clubbing is going to go, not at all sorry.

I'd likely have done it the first few times while they figure out the club etc but anymore I think you're doing them a disservice.

They need to learn about how to get home safely. How to stick together. How to put money aside for getting home.

If they were going out, I'd not drink though because I'd want to be able to respond to an emergency.

If this is your view, why aren't you going into the club with them? Or stop them from going out?

Who lets a child at 14 walk an hour at night? It’s really sad that when you experience neglect it’s often internalised as normal - when as you say it’s so wrong to anyone objective.

I would pick up my sons and their friends any time of the night or day if it was an emergency. Eg they were drunk and disoriented or felt unwell, unsafe etc or they were lost and I could track them on life 360 and find them.
For a routine night out no way would I be collecting them at 3 am. My son is 16 and I give him money and he has a part time job so when he is 18 I would expect him to just order and pay for a taxi/ uber. Same with the group of friends.
I wouldn't get involved but if one of the group's mum has picked them up several times then the rest of the group should pay for taxis for a few months to even it out. Yes to all staying at each others houses. That's always been a thing. You crash at the most convenient house then worry about how to get home in the morning when it's much easier, busses are running etc.
It's kind of her to do it but that's her choice. It's reasonable that your daughter also takes a turn and either pays for a taxi and/ or they should give them mum some cash if she would prefer that. Not for the mum's to be sorting once they are 16 and above in my opinion unless they have additional needs and need some help.

They were riskier actually in the past. No DBS checks, no mobile phone/GPS tracking. If the girls are worried about the last one dropped off by taxi (and I would suggest 2 stay of them stay with another so there’s only 2 drop offs and they’re never alone) they can share location and stay on the phone with each other until the last one is home.

They’re 18 if they’re old enough to go clubbing they’re old enough to deal with getting home without mummy. They’re as much, if not more, at risk in bars and clubs.