Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

This is such a naive response. No one says you can’t be friends. But within agreed limits with your partner. Your partner’s feelings should matter to you. Few affairs start off with intention of being affairs. An awful lot of them start off as innocent friendships that due to circumstances grow over time. You just have to read some threads on here to see that! Much better to “nip it in the bud” and save a lot of heartbreak.

This is awful op. All very innocent and easily explained at the moment but this is how these things start. All friendly until you start having a go at him about it, he'll confuide in her and we all know where it'll go.

I've worked with married men and there is not a chance I'd be messaging them constantly, she is so out of line here but so is your dh for encouraging it.

All you can do is watch and wait, awful that you have to. He should've nipped this in the bud ages ago. Keep them both onside and be alert.

How would be feel if you had a bff who was a bloke?

How would your DH react if the situation were reversed, @Saladdays01?

Well sorry to have hit the nail on the head @Saladdays01 but this is very much about a man whose whilst not withering on the vine is hitting that mid life crisis stage. Many men and women have them . So many people broke up on my friendship group in their late forties and early fifties. Not always because of affairs though that scenario I wrote reflects exactly what happened to one of my closest friends.

As someone mentioned upthread it’s never women who are 10 to 20 years older.

A young attractive bloke who'd just broken up with his partner @Gloriia 😉

Suddenly striking up a friendship with a newly separated woman and meeting for drinks in the evening and not including your partner in this hangout is fishy. Let’s not conveniently forget all those other details.
Sure they want to be friends fine let’s see how innocent this “friendship” is based on how he reacts to his wife inviting herself along for these drinks if he hedges at all you have your answer.

Not exhausted at all.

Men or women shouldn't message married men and married women constantly. Yes occasionally, fine. Go for a coffee with your workmate? All good. However when the contact is constant as the op describes it is not ok.

Exactly.

Yes find a willing colleague a younger bloke obviously, just friends of course . Message constantly go for 'drinks' with. I bet Mr Saladdays would not be impressed .

He is having his ego boosted here and the colleague is taking the piss messaging you too.

I hear the faint ringing of an alarm bell. ‘Its really not like that’ but if it was he’d tell her he’s not interested - and then what? Carry on being friends knowing she’s attracted to him? Face, at the very least, awkwardness at work.

Take it from someone who’s been there, be very wary of shiny new friends of the opposite sex who pop up in midlife. Most people by that time have got their jobs, partners, families, hobbies, friends, plenty of things that fill the time. If there’s suddenly time available that wasn’t previously and it’s being spend on someone new, then there’s a lot more too it, I’m afraid. And if there isn’t yet, there very soon could be.

I’m a bit older than you and looking back, the 40s are the divorce years. And Ive seen an awful lot of them spring out of ‘new friends’.

Now your DH knows you’re becoming uncomfortable with the situation he should take steps to reassure you, therefore the one on one drinks suggestion should be turned down. I’d go out as a couple instead and invite her along.

I’d be uncomfortable with this too, OP. I work with a male colleague and we do message outside of work but I also know his DW, absolutely no romantic intentions whatsoever, I would however never suggest going for a drink together, in a group yes, alone no, that’s overstepping the mark.

DH announcing he was off for dinner and drinks with his new best mate that he's been texting every day and just happens to be a woman... is hilarious to me.

I mean surely the female friends in this situation are completely aware of how inappropriate this is?

i basically have nothing in common and she's not someone id be friendly with but if her coming along every now & again is to reassure herself then I have absolutely no issue with that at all.

How very good of you 😂

I do think men and women can be friends, but a married or family man striking up a new female friendship - the odd message or sharing a meme with a new friend wouldn’t bother me, but I wouldn’t like regular messaging, you know, sat at home in the evening together or a day out that’s being interrupted by a constant relay of messages between them, I’d find that a bit insensitive and would worry about a deeper connection forming. Meeting for drinks one to one outside of work sounds like a date. Group drinks would be fine.
Could be just my views but I wouldn’t like it and would feel like it’s over stepping boundaries.
i do also think that it’s important to realise that our discomfort with this could be partly due to insecurity, previous experience that proved unhealthy, or even the influence of general society/media telling us male and female friendships can never be platonic.

only you know your husbands personality - if he is acting out of character, seemingly excited about this friend, changing views or attitudes and this is making you uncomfortable or have doubts, I’d say that this is a relevant feeling and you’d be right to have concerns.

it’s a stereotype and not a rule, but I have found a lot of men in or approaching 40 plus seem to have some mid life crisis and enjoy way too eagerly and accepting of any ego stroking they can get. (Yes, same can be true for women I know). A lot of affairs have began through a harmless new friendship. A lot of harmless new friendships have remained just that. For me, if either of you are in a relationship, a friendship that becomes quickly intense with the opposite sex offers the potential to cross the line due to the emotional closeness that can develop and so boundaries should be in place.

ultimately, if someone is going to cheat, they will, you can’t stop them. You can speak calmly and openly to explain how you feel about a situation and hope they respect that. But I agree with others that laying down the law and telling him he cannot do such and such would possibly be detrimental and either cause an upset in your marriage or push the friendship along further

Definitely alarm bells and red flags all over this. Keep your eyes open and don’t be ‘cool’.

Good luck!

Not wanting your husband to date other women and message them all hours of the day as if they are their spouse isn’t abusive. Now I heard it all!

@BeelzebubsHoover with age comes wisdom doesn’t it, same here reflecting. There is the hatchlings, matchings, and despatchings of life but inserted between needs to be detachings.

What I discovered in life is male and female relationships with zero attraction or intention is rarer than most think.

50% of my male friends have at some point intimated they want a romance. I mean I married one of them, almost 30 years together now.

There is no such thing as the sisterhood, well rarely.

Not sure about their motivation. Unless someone is a potential client/route to promotion or they fancy them, most people at work don’t go for drinks 1:1 with a someone of the opposite sex. They tend to stick to group drinks. Being the subject of work gossip plus the potential for misunderstanding means it is best avoided.

A few years ago I became close to a male colleague. We are both married. We no longer work together but are still friends and message quite a lot. We go out for drinks just the 2 of us. Absolutely nothing untoward about it and reading this thread I'm feeling lucky that neither of our partners have tried to stop the friendship.

Its just a classic tale, sadly, of how flings start. The hapless married person asserts that is is just a friendship, the wannabe other person bides their time being a 'lovely friend' sending harmless messages, the married person's spouse cause trouble by daring to object amn then the married person plays victim and then the wannabe other person is in.

Going for a drink just 2 of them? Absolutely not. As I said I worked with married men for years yes we'd all go out together socially for work dos but did I ever meet one of them alone for a drink? Nope.

I think men and women can be friends, but my husband is my best friend. I’ll be the one to text him daily and go out for drinks thank you very much. My husband is not going to be some other woman’s best friend.
But then I’m unashamedly not a cool wife.

Additionally, I’m mid forties and was friends with a married man in his late 50’s at work. Not to the point of texting daily, I wouldn’t do that. But we text outside of work every 3-4 weeks or so, just to show off a plate of food or a new kitten, whatever.
However, after around 6 months of this, I started getting gifts delivered to me. When I saw him, he began greeting with a kiss and a cuddle. I’m not stupid, I could see exactly what was happening. It’s been the pattern of my life. Many men want more than they let on. Some women do to, which is when you get a problem.

I’d tell him that I absolutely don’t agree to see her as a person and not a woman and I don’t particularly care about her situation. I’d rather cut to the chase, than drag out months of watching their relationship develop, which is like death by splinters.

I can assure I’m not ‘dating’ my male friends if I meet them for a drink or to see a film. Quite apart from anything else, I’m happily married.

this is a really horrible term, and its only ever used to bully and belittle women who have opposite opinion where opposite sex friendships are concerned. stop using it.

Why do you go out just the 2 of you? Your spouses should be involved. Why are you messaging quite a lot? Maybe both your partners are at it too that's why they don't object?