Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

Yep this. ^ He's not gonna be 'messaging constantly outside work' and meeting up with Jean from Accounts who looks like Mary from Coronation Street is he? Nooooo, it's never any woman like that. It's fit and attractive Becky who goes to the gym a lot and looks like a Victoria's Secret Model.

From the numerous posts on Mumsnet from posters whose DH/DP has struck up a friendship with a colleague which includes lots of messages outside work, this is never, ever with a male colleague.

old friends of opposite sex from teens/ twenty’s are an entirely different thing to new ones ….

Surely you either trust him or you don’t
If you do what’s the problem
If you don’t why are you with him

@Jumpingthruhoops

Regarding this male 'friend' of yours...

Why on earth do you 'message him daily?' I don't even message my adult DC (who live 15-20 miles away) daily. We message each other every 3 days maybe. And my extended family I speak to maybe twice a month. And my friends I am in contact with probably twice a month, maybe three times. (We acknowledge each others Facebook posts once a week maybe in between, but we don't speak more than two or three times a month.. And we meet once or twice in between.)

Sounds rather obsessive, and somewhat needy, to be messaging a 'friend' every single day. I do wonder which one of you starts the messaging off, although I am sure you will say 'it's 50-50.'

Do you really believe your DH is just deliriously happy with you messaging a male 'friend' every day, and his wife will be proper chuffed too (if said 'friend' is married?) Seriously, you're deluded if you think your partners don't mind. If they actually don't mind you having close daily contact with someone of the opposite sex, they're probably up to something themselves!

And no, it's not that we have not 'got past this idea' that men and women can't be friends, most people have no issue with that! But in the situation the OP is on about, her DH and this woman at work are not just 'friends.' You're hilariously deluded if you think they are - or if ANY man and woman constantly messaging every day (and meeting up alone together) are 'just friends.'

What's more, I know plenty of people with friends of the opposite sex, (including me,) and we don't constantly message each other every day. 🙄 (OR go out - just the two of us, without anyone else every time we meet!)

.

She might be getting friendly with you so you don’t suspect she’s after your dh 🚩🚩

It pisses you off? Poor you.

In this case the fact she wants to be friends with you is a positive sign;why not get to know her better?;I wouldn't worry too much about her;normally in these cases the man is usually very cagey about these interactions and tries to ensure the wife doesn't know their texting so often.

Definitely invite yourself along. Messaging is one thing but real life socialising out of work is another.
Shape the narrative: isn’t it nice that Jemima wants to be friendly with us! But it’s a bit sad that she hasn’t got her own friends to socialise with and seems dependent on a married couple. Can’t we come up with a nice man we can introduce to her once she's ready?

It is different. In your late teens/early twenties you are spending most of your time socialising/ making friends/ having new experience etc. so you will make new friends often. When you meet your spouse they will have these friends already and hence you know it’s platonic. When older/married with children your time/ priorities/ commitments are different… and you don’t know if your spouse views person platonically.

It's very telling that you only want to have male friends. Are you one of the 'cool chicks' who gets on much better with men? Are women jealous of you? Do women not like you? Are all wives threatened by you? Do you look young for your age? Do you follow lots of stereotypical male hobbies?

It's yes to all of those questions isn't it? (In your head!)

😂

.

I've always felt, with the ' oh my husband has a female friend from uni 30 years ago' tribe that 30 years ago there was definitely sex between them. The woman of this friendship likes the man as a person but has absolutely no desire to ever repeat the sex 30 years later. The man would absolutely repeat it if she gave the slightest indication. That's the difference between it remaining a friendship or becoming an affair.

I can't imagine any parallel universe, where me and a bloke who isn't my DH, go out one on one for drinks. That's a date!

If my DH said he was meeting up with OW for dinner/drinks, like fuck would I invite myself along. It would be the end of our marriage.

I can't believe you're putting up with this.

Exactly. It's understandable for Hannah to be friends with Tom and Luke who she knew from school or University, and go out now and again to the cinema with them, or go play tennis with them. Even though they have partners now. (Because they met the partners AFTER the became friends.)

What is NOT understandable or acceptable is Hannah starting a job at a local firm, and becoming best buddies with Steve in HR (who is 8 years older than her, and married with kids,) and the two of them messaging each other regularly, daily, outside work, late at night, and meeting up regularly (alone together) for drinks.

Nah, fuck that shit!

My 2 adult DC (late 20s) have friends of the opposite sex, that they know from school and University who they message now and again, and see socially once or twice a month - go to the cinema or a pub quiz or to play badminton. And they don't message every bloody day! Maybe 4 times a month, at the most!

Men are only friends with women they want to have sex with . The only barrier to the sex actually happening is whether the woman also wants to have sex. If she doesn't then they're friends. If she does then his marriage is over.

Not in our case

I would not be comfortable with DH meeting new female friend for drinks whereas I have no problem with old female friends. I wouldn't go out and have drinks with a man even if I wasn't interested just because I wouldn't want things to get awkward. DH is friendly with everyone and he talks to female coworkers, clients etc during the day but it ends there.

Jesus, some of you must be exhausted from the amount of second guessing, monitoring and and micro managing you do of your partners.

If my partner tried to tell me he would not allow me to go for a drink with a friend just because he was male id tell him to fuck right off and would expect him to do the same if the role was reversed!

They're friends, she's reached out to you to initiating friendship. Either you trust him or you don't, this woman has nothing to do with it.

If someone wants to cheat they will. No amount of allowing or nipping in the bud or whatever will change that. And honestly, would any of you really want to be with someone who's only not cheating coz you won't let them go to the pub?

This would worry me its ok having male/gemale friendships but the fact they already see each other in work daily now increase in frequency in messaging daily also and now drinks. A previous poster on mumsnet once said the greatest threat is opportunity and I fully agree people don't realise they fall into these habits then suddenly oh no I've developed feelings I can't stop thinking about them etc. I would go for the drink too dont push too far yet on the boundaries and over texting just watch

I think it's natural for us (as women) to believe than men can see women just as friends, because we can easily do that with them.

My 50 years on this planet has shown me it's not the case.

It's always the female friend who needs a shoulder to cry on and 'support' from the DH isn't it, it's never balding Dave from finance with a beer belly.

@Saladdays01 I asked him this morning what he would do if she wanted more than friendship and he said he would say he wasn’t interested. And that she wouldn’t and that it’s really not like that and can’t I see her just as a person rather than a woman.

Hang on, so he knows you're bothered but is going to carry on anyway?

What do you mean by proper friends though? Is it meeting up for drinks, dinner, walks? I know, get on with and like men through various activities I do. We have a lot in common about a specific interest. But outside that, I dont see why I need to be friends or do more with them.
I have my husband, family, friends to do other leisure things with and going out with one of the activity men would just be weird. Your married male hobby friend is taking part in something he enjoys, it’s part of his life but then he gets on with the rest of his life with his wife and everything else he does. Really not trying to sound hostile here but does he even want or need your friendship outside your shared hobby? It’s interesting that you think it’s women cutting off your friendship opportunities.

No, this is not okay and completely disrespectful to your marriage