Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

That's a very different scenario obviously!

Op, ask your husband to set up the group / add you to their messaging chats. It'll clearly show her he's not up for anything without you & hopefully she'll either back off a bit or you'll see that it really is all innocent & you'll have made a nice new friend.

Good luck though as this is horrible!

But if your other half said they were uncomfortable with it what would your response be?

‘Best friends’, unless they’re bizarrely possessive, generally ‘allow’ their friends to have other friends, though!

I mean, just because you were friends with someone who turned out, not very subtly, to want more than pictures of kittens, it’s hardly a reason to tar 50% of the population…?

She is getting herself way too over involved

and maybe your dh is enjoying the attention, it’s foolish but we can all fall for having our ego boosted

I would be wary too and tell your dh you feel uncomfortable and if reversed would he be comfortable. I wouldn’t go along with games as joining them for a drink I would be encouraging him to back off

I suppose it's reflex response to people being told you're clingy and insecure, and should accept something you aren't comfortable with for risk of looking needy and pathetic.

He can have friends. But I would not accept them going out for drinks together or texting all day every day. There are limits on the behaviours I will accept.

I think "cool wife" is an interesting concept. It was jarring when I first heard it. I then realised I was a cool wife in my marriage and that's how I became a cool single mum.

Boundaries, my friends!

Exactly, healthy and respectful boundaries that run both ways 🙂

Funny he isn’t striking up a friendship with good old Mark from finance. And meeting up for drinks one on one. Why do you think that is? If a man is hell bent on defending his “right” to go out to drinks with some random single woman he JUST became friends with to the detriment of his MARRIAGE then the alarm bells should go off everywhere for his wife. Because if it’s just a friendship why get so defensive over something completely innocent? Never mind the fact that he feels more protective of this rando woman and his “friendship” with her at the detriment to his relationship with his wife. Where is all this energy in protecting his wife’s feelings and fiercely protecting his marriage and their boundaries and putting his wife first which his wife should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS come first. Even (and let’s be clear she’s not at all to object to this) being a bit unreasonable about the friendship look at the cost benefit here. You can’t choose both if the friendship upsets the wife. And of course your wife’s wishes should win ten times over any day over your friendship with this mother woman. So it boils down to what relationship is more important in your life a friendship with some other woman or your marriage to your wife? You have lots of friends and can make lots of friends but you have one wife and your shared life and loyalties should lie with her always.

This is so true!

This 100% ⬆️

I'm a single mum and if I get on well with dads (sometimes I do more than the mums at nursery events etc) I never, ever, start to message them directly myself. I wouldn't dream of sending them links etc. I do not see myself as entitled to make friends with married men.
If I really wanted to pursue a friendship with them as a couple for play dates etc I would focus all my communication to the mum as that's what's appropriate.
Don't allow yourself to be gaslit.

Indeed. I’m not a Cool Anything. I just have three decades of managing not to shag male friends. And DH has female friends likewise. Most people I know do, and there’s no explosion of orgies.

@ViciousCurrentBun ‘detachings’ - that’s great, I’m going to keep it!

I think the term ‘cool wife’ is pretty misogynistic term for someone who doesn’t sex-segregate some friendships as unacceptable. But to go along with the concept for a minute, I’ve been one for close to 35 years, and DH has been a ‘cool husband’. We’re still happily married.

As someone who work in a male dominated field, my work friends are all men, many of them are married. Does it not make me a decent woman then?

I wouldn't tell DH who to be friends with. You can invite yourself. If you stop it, it would make it look more "special" to him.

Ladies, you can't stop a cheater if they want to cheat. Live a good life and make him think you can live very well without him.

I used to be the "cool " wife . I wasn't remotely jealous and I was happy for us both to have friends of the opposite sex .

I am now the soon to be divorced wife....I thought my H would never cheat , and wasn't the type - how wrong was I .

I realised probably too late that he had had quite a few of these friendships . One I had been wary of , but just kept a watchful eye .

He then moved onto a full blown emotional affair , which I knew nothing about ( or the person ) until I discovered it after my gut told me things weren't right .

Yes , some people may be jealous and have " trust " issues but that wasn't the case for me . I fully accept that men and women can be friends .

I would however be wary of these friendships . As others have said they are totally distinct from old standing friendships . It is the new ones that you need to look out for as you simply don't know the intentions of your H / the other person .

It is also the time they are devoting to this person which can get out of hand . This is usually time taken away from their own partner / kids .

Also listen to your gut - why is this particular friendship causing you to worry ?

I would also be wary about those husbands / partners who are kind towards female colleagues . I appreciate that it will not be the same in every case and some people are kind towards all colleagues irrespective of their gender .

For my ex he was kind and thoughtful towards attractive female colleagues . I hadn't met most of them , so wasn't aware of their attractiveness at the time . It also made him feel good undoubtedly , but as others have said he wasn't supportive towards the fat , balding middle age man in accounts !
I know now I very much had a DH problem .

When these friendships are formed , it is undoubtedly also an ego boost for your partner .

I think you need to speak more with your DH about why this particular friendship is making you feel uncomfortable. Agree what would make you feel comfortable and what boundaries should be in place .

And if my husband insisted on meeting up alone with a younger woman who is in a emotionally vulnerable position as a new single mom to a child who he just met when he is married to me and if I was sitting at home with nothing to do and he said, “I’m going to meet Sandra for drinks” and I said, “cool let’s go” and he said “no honey you’re my wife but I really want to meet up with her alone” that would be highly inappropriate of him bc why does this meeting need to happen alone would be my biggest question? Clearly he is talking to her about things or she talking to him about things that he doesn’t want his wife to hear and why is that?

funny how these friendships with men and women always seem to be younger attractive women. Why isn’t he inviting Mark from finance or 60 year old aging Margie out for drinks. How often do you hear of a man finding a male colleague to text all hours of the day and night and meet solo for drinks. Funny enough it’s always women and single, attractive, emotionally vulnerable ones to boot.

why tempt fate

Do you generally invite yourself along every time he goes out?

One of my closest male friends is younger than I am and conventionally attractive, well-off and with a prestigious job. I am older, plain, and not particularly well off. I’m hardly some kind ‘trophy female friend’.

No, as a single woman I don’t think it is very decent to text a married man outside of work socially every other day and go out for drink with him on their own.

I think it’s decent to accept that isn’t the best idea.

I didn’t say I therefore think he will cheat. I said I would have my guard up.

I'm wondering if the posters who are saying it's fine would mind if the woman was a ringer for Margot Robbie.

Just because you have portrayed it as dating doesnt make it so.

Controlling friendships is abusive behaviour, even if you justify it with insecurities around infidelity.

Its OK for them to talk everyday?m so long as its at work?

Bluntly, there are not too many Margot Robbies wandering around befriending Nigel from Accounts. But most people who have extramarital affairs are entirely ordinary-looking.

Do you want to be friends with her, or have a friendship group of the three of you? Because if you don’t, and are only doing it to keep an eye on her/them that tells its own story. You don’t have to make friends with every new person you come across. Her behaviour ( frequent messaging ) is making you uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be keen on her myself.

That said it’s on your DH to sort this. It may be entirely innocent on her part ( though I doubt it ) but it’s making you uncomfortable. He needs to set boundaries re the messaging etc, that way there is no confusion for her, or you about the friendship. Don’t think affairs don’t start or continue in plain sight. They do.

I have a couple of close male friends of thirty years plus, it’s entirely possible to do so. I am confident that there partners have not been uncomfortable about me or my behaviour around them.

Totally agree with this! In an ideal world many ppl would love to be able to date and have sex with whoever they were sexually and emotionally connected to with no repercussions to the partners on either side, and with their knowledge and consent, but in the real world ppl have to accept the boundaries of a relationship if they want to be in one, both theirs and the other person’s.

There’s a lot of things that would be great to do that aren’t socially acceptable - that’s life. Just because PP wants the ability to befriend a married man whenever she chooses, doesn’t mean that’s always within the realms of possibility. Like @Poppyseeds79 has said here, you are friends at your hobby, why do you need to see him outside of that setting alone? There are single men out there who would be happy to do ‘dates’ if platonic male companionship is what you’re after, you don’t have to seek this with someone who is in a relationship and will likely cause upset to and between him and his wife.