Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

But as has been said REPEATEDLY on here, these new friendships (for these married men) are never 53 year old Dave from Accounts, or 57 year old Carol from HR are they? It's always young, fit Emma from Finance, or cute and girly Lily the Admin Clerk.

These MARRIED men always become 'close friends' with usually younger, and nearly always single women. (Same in the gym, or any sport they play.) They seem to enjoy the ego boost from an attractive young woman talking to them and confiding in them.

And some of these women (as has been PROVEN on here) seem to hugely enjoy the trouble they're causing in the man's marriage, and how upset the wife is with her husband's new 'friendship' with another woman. And how he confides in her that things aren't really quite right at home with wifey. (If that isn't leading up to fucking the 'female friend' I don't know what is! Open your eyes FFS!)

The female friend LOVES sharing secrets and stories with said married man, and having intimate meet ups, and private messaging each other with little jokes and memes, and cute photos and lots of kisses and love hearts! And the man has got his ego blown up so big that he can barely get out of the room. And the female friend loves the attention from him, and his wife feeling upset and angry about it all. Gives her a little ego boost too, and a little dopamine hit! 'Ooooh he is picking meeeeeeee!' 😂

Seriously, no wonder these women (that these married men makes their friends) are nearly always single. Most of them judging by the thread especially, don't sound like very nice people.

I know around 5 women like this actually. All in their 30s and early 40s, and they seem to try to make friends with married men, (though some are not interested in them as anything other than friends. A couple turned into affairs, but most didn't)

They do have non-married 'boyfriends' occasionally, but they rarely last. They seem to have a different man on the go around 3-4 months of any given year, some last 2 months, some last 3, (and they often have big gaps in between!)

None of these men ever stay with them.

Judging by some of the apologists on this thread, saying the OP's husband and this female friend are doing no wrong (and the wife is in the wrong,) I think a few of those women are on here.

Enjoy your life, alone, ladies. 😎

Of course she does, sometimes she comes along. She hasn’t just had a baby either. He’s not ‘accidentally’ bumping in to me. He’s also not giving her a break. He does 80% of all childcare/child stuff. He is the ‘main’ parent if you like.

They sometimes bring their wives and that’s fine, we get on well. It’s not for me to invite them though, I don’t have their phone numbers. I don’t think it’s causing upset and disruption in their marriages, but I think it’s been mentioned at some points. I’d like to hope as the years have gone by they have realised that it’s innocent and nothing to be worried about.
We’re not meeting up on a weekly basis or anything either.

That’s all true (albeit extremely dramatic) but is completely my friends choice. I’m not pushing or instigating a friendship. He’s free to take a step back at any time. It’s not an intense friendship anyway. We are not meeting up weekly, we just catch up casually maybe once a month maybe less. She’s always welcome to join, occasionally she does but usually not. She’s not really one for going to the park for example, that’s more something he does alone with the kids.

@ThisQuickJadeWasp
Brilliant post - can't seen how anyone can disagree.

'If my partner told me I wasn’t allowed to say hello to the postman I’d leave'

Who said you cant say hello to the postman? The fact than some can't see the difference between saying hello to people and constantly messaging married colleagues demonstrates the lack of awareness re social boundaries.

'The ‘lone female’? Is that like the Lone Ranger, but with added sexual threat? Or a lone killer? And is the ‘targeting’ like a sniper getting a fix on someone?x

No no not like the Lone Ranger, rather the recently separated person who is looking for an ego boost and starts targeting married colleagues to be their <checks notes> 'friend'.

So why the pseudo-military vocabulary? Is separated 50something Marjorie from Accounts ‘targeting’ married Barry from HR if she suggests they eat their sandwich at the same cafeteria table so she can show him her photos of her holiday in Vietnam?

I sometimes think all Mners view their DH’s female colleagues like Alan Rickman’s office squeeze in Love Actually, sitting around making sex faces and straddling office chairs suggestively.

I’m sure there are many friendships that move into unacceptable territories. I can only speak for myself when I say that is not the case with me or my friendships, I think I can safely say that after 10 years.

Someone said, why can you be friends with single men? Well the friendships developed organically. One of them was actually single when we became friends. I didn’t ‘choose’ them or ‘target’ them. Again, this is such a weird and sad way of looking at it.

But, this made me think and maybe subconsciously there is an element of safety in these friendships as I know they are married now and completely uninterested in me. With single men there is always a worry of if there is an interior motive. I guess with some married men there still would be but I can only speak for my situation and there absolutely isn’t here. It means I can let my guard down a little bit. I have no interest in any men in a sexual sense, or a relationship sense. So again, I can only speak for myself but ‘other peoples husbands’ are safe 🙄

I do think it’s sad though, that I’m expected to look at someone as ‘someone else husband’ or ‘someone else’s wife’ when they are just my friend by some people. What a sad way to live. Some of you are making marriage sound truly awful.

I understand judging it on a ‘case by case’ basis if you like, but not having a blanket ban on all friends of the opposite sex. As I said, I think after 10 years, it’s safe to say I’m not threat.

Interesting though how this poster I’ve been responding too has made new efforts with his wife or invited his wife along to show she isn’t a threat and even worse the woman’s own husband hasn’t invited his own wife.

But more to the topic at hand this OP’s husband didn’t know this friend from before the marriage so you can’t use that argument in fact he just met this woman and he is already engaging in an emotional affair. Texting her about non work related things after work hours late into the evening constantly, not making this a couple friendship but meeting her one on one for dinner and drinks in the evening which is a total date scenario, being a shoulder to cry on as she is newly single. My god this is the way someone would describe interacting with a new bf or gf.

The constant texting, the dinner and drinks, the one on one hangout, the being their emotional support person. I’m sure her husband is loving all the attention he is getting from this new younger and I can assure you not exactly hideous woman either. no I don’t believe it is normal when you see your work colleague 8 hours a day 5 days at work to be texting them well into the evening and inviting them out solo for dinner and drinks. That’s more time some people talk to their own spouses. Shame on this woman as well for completely disregarding the fact he is married therefore off limits and not always making it abundantly clear the invitation is always open to his wife. They are just friends supposedly after all right!? I can bet dollar to donuts he never texted like this towards a male friend texting all hours of the evening, being a shoulder to cry on when his male friend divorced, meeting his male friend out solo for dinner and drinks but suddenly when little sultry hussy blonde hair long legged Suzy is in the picture he is suddenly this noble guy. How convenient for him how noble of him

@Ratri

"And when you encounter someone socially, do you ask them about their marital status before you socialise with them? ‘Sorry, Nigel, I think you’re great, but I can only have a coffee after our evening class in upholstery if you’re single or if you bring your wife as chaperone’?"

Any decent person will talk about their family naturally and not act as if they are a single person.

'If my partner told me I wasn’t allowed to say hello to the postman I’d leave'

@Gloriia

Who said you cant say hello to the postman? The fact than some can't see the difference between saying hello to people and constantly messaging married colleagues demonstrates the lack of awareness re social boundaries.

Exactly this. ^ Bloody stupid post. 🙄 No-one has said people can't say hello to the fucking postman!

@Jumpingthruhoops

I have this funny thing in relationships where I don't like telling my man who to be friends with. Because I'm not a control freak.

############
Yes but it's not about that.
Men/women can have as many opposite friends as they like
It's that one particular friendship where the married person
•suddenly befriends a newly single, younger, attractive person
•is texting them daily
•is going out with them , one to one for drinks (dating)
•the wife has bad vibes about this, voices her concerns, and is told not to be ridiculous, they are 'just good friends' - biggest red flag of all.

When these can of behaviours are put together it breeding ground ground for emotional intimacy, which should be going to the spouse.
Make no mistake this will damage/take away from the primary relationship.

Yes you’re right like at it as a case by case basis and in two of those cases you found out your male friend’s wife didn’t like it. And yet you chose to ignore those two cases and continued on with the friendship depsite that you were half the cause of another woman feeling upset.

I know you hate the fact that you have to view your friends first and foremost as someone else’s husband but the truth is in those two particular cases when the wives are unhappy with the friendship that’s what it boils down to because one has to give and it shouldn’t be the marriage that gets the short end of the stick here. at the end of the day he has a choice of upsetting his friend or upsetting his spouse and a decent husband who loves his wife and respects her will always put her first above that of another woman every single time.

The fact this didn’t happen with one of your male friends but two makes me think it’s not exactly the wives that are the problem here. There is a pattern developing and the common denominator seems to be YOU my dear.

I sometimes think all Mners view their DH’s female colleagues like Alan Rickman’s office squeeze in Love Actually, sitting around making sex faces and straddling office chairs suggestively.

Nail on head. Not all the female ones of course. Just the younger single ones who seem to LOVE targeting married men, with their tragic little 'pick me' stance, and rubbing their hands with glee when it causes problems in the man's marriage.

And if you think Marjorie and Barry (in their 50s,) eating a sarnie in a local café and looking at holiday snaps, is the same as a married man making a young single woman at work his BFF, them messaging each other constantly, (and sharing private moments and going out together alone;) then there's no hope for you, and you don't know what the hell you're on about. And I can only surmise at this point that you're yanking our chains.

All the " reasoned" and jokey responses by the ladies who love to be friends with married men remind me of the naivety I possibly had when I was about 18 about marriage. It seems that many of them have remained in this stage possibly by not having entered into a significant enough relationship of their own.
How often is it a woman who has a career and a happy marriage juggling kids indulges in this? No we've all encountered the ones who are " mates" - they're the single ones, often the overweight loud ones who are so free and happy in their lives. They don't have kids because if they did they would realise that life isn't all about themselves and their entitlements.

Well you are wrong again, one of them met his wife 2 years after our friendship began. I genuinely believe the other is in a controlling relationship, so no I won’t terminate the friendship. I don’t think the wife is a bad person and as I said, we get on fine but I don’t see that it is my responsibility to end a friendship. I do not know the ins and outs of their marriage or conversations, but if my friend chose to take a step back then that’s down to them. It’s really not down to me to initiate as I’m not part of their marriage.

For arguments sake, let’s say you believe me when I tell you it’s 100% platonic and innocent, zero risk of it ever developing into something else or crossing any boundaries. Do you still believe that friendship should end? Because I truly cannot understand why it would. If the wife is uncomfortable surely she is being very unreasonable here. I don’t think it’s about me, I think she is a bit like it with any of his friends.

But this is becoming about me, and it’s not. As I said, I do understand it’s not always acceptable and really depends on the people involved. But I can only speak for myself, and I know my situation and what it is and what it isn’t and that’s why I feel confident in doing no wrong. I think you’ve painted a picture in your head of something else, and that’s fine because both things exist.

Again female friends with another female is a completely different scenario in a heterosexual marriage than a male and a female being close friends with their wife is excluded from the friendship. A straight woman isn’t going to fall into an affair with their other female friend where as a man might fall into an affair with his female friend. No matter how dedicated and loyal a husband may seem he is still a human being and please read all the threads on here where just that happened. “Oh I thought he would never cheat he would be the last man on earth to cheat well I didn’t want to control his friendships.” It’s ok as a wife to have a little sense of pride and not stupidly stand idle or stand by while a possible affair (which can take many forms happens beneath your eyes) occurs. It’s like playing with fire hoping you don’t get burned why even go near the fire in the first place. Affairs don’t start bc you decide to wake up one day approach leggy Jane over in accounting and say I hate my wife do you wanna have sex no that’s now how it works. It starts off by putting yourself in bad positions such as entering a new friendship that’s exciting the attention you are getting from another woman who isn’t your wife so you don’t have to deal with handling a household and kids together so this other woman is sooo much easier to talk to bc she is fresh and new and she totally get you and you get her.

To the posters targeting me and painting me as some scarlet woman. I’m a 40 year old average looking, overweight woman with social anxiety. I’m not stealing anybody’s husband. Does that make friendships more acceptable? I’ve been celibate for 10 years and have ZERO interest in romantic relationships.

How does one ‘act like a single person’, though? And sure, people’s family may well come up in conversation, but if I’m at a work event we’ll be talking shop and anything else is way down the priority list.

I have colleagues of both sexes whose marital and parental/non-parental status I only learned after working with them for quite some time, including some socialising. I live locally but some of us commute long distances and may stay over one or two nights a week, so spouses and families are not always close by.

I have been in this job since summer 2022 and have socialised occasionally with one female colleague of my own age (50s) and only discovered this past summer that she has adult children. She’s often talked about her family, but in the sense of her family of origin — her sons had just never come up. Not everyone talks a lot about their home life. I can’t imagine cross-examining someone on their marital status before contemplating a friendship.

This is painting men as innocent victims of affairs. If you have a husband who would do this, they were not a good man in the first place and it’s is not the woman’s fault no matter how young or good looking she is. A good man would control his impulses. Unfortunately these men are rare.

The line that they use - it is "platonic" or it is not about sex I think they think this raises them to another level. They are desirable because of their personality , their fun persona, their ability to brighten the married man's day with a little gif or an understanding ( which of course they definitely do not have) of a marriage issue. It is MORE THAN about sex. It is them. The wife - well it's the kids and the sex isn't it? They rate themselves so highly it's laughable. We've all known these women - the cling ons. We've seen raised eyebrows, the rolling of eyes, the conversations about " poor so and so she hasn't got many friends or much of a life".

@Ratri "

"I have been in this job since summer 2022 and have socialised occasionally with one female colleague of my own age (50s) and only discovered this past summer that she has adult children. She’s often talked about her family, but in the sense of her family of origin — her sons had just never come up. Not everyone talks a lot about their home life. I can’t imagine cross-examining someone on their marital status before contemplating a friendship."

As usual here is the extreme language. Cross examining. It's not like that for most people - it is a natural flow.

Why do you think some posters are 'painting you as some scarlet woman?'

Seriously, go back and read your own posts. 🙄

There’s so much distrust on here.

I adore my DH and we’ve been together a long time.

I also have several male friends from my previous and current jobs. Zero attraction, just friendship and we enjoy catching up every month or so for 1:1 lunch/coffee etc. We might chat about colleagues, work, holidays, books, tv, families. Purely platonic. I’d feel really sad if any of their wives thought this inappropriate. We even send occasional memes, messages. I think the important thing is that none of these interactions take away from family life and there’s no threat to any relationships.

I have been on work trips and had 1:1 dinners and/or drinks with male colleagues. Because we’re in the same place at the same time and get on well. This really shouldn’t present any of their partners with concerns though.

OP - your spider senses are tingling and hopefully you don’t have reason to be concerned.