Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

DH says he's going out for drinks with Margot Robbie lookalike because she is sad but they are just friends.

Wife says OK babe have fun.

😂

Not at all. I just know it’s platonic and we’re not going to have sex. Why is that difficult to understand or believe.

Well spotted, the point I am making is that I think it’s waaay over the boundary of acceptable for the husband to tell you his wife doesn’t like him being friends with you but he’s going to carry on anyway. Do you really not see that seeing you when his wife isn’t happy about it is one thing, telling you is quite another. I think that’s really awful of him I’d be amazed if you couldn’t see it. Does his wife know you take their child out and is she happy about that?

DH has loads of female friends, some close. He goes out with them. It’s not controversial in any way.

It hasn’t been said to me in a bitching about his wife way. I can’t explain it but we’re friends, we talk. I haven’t been explicitly told what’s been said, but I’ve just got that impression.
Yes she knows, children are late primary so would obviously say. I was also invited to their recent baby shower. Wife is nice to me, we get on fine but under the surface I guess there’s an issue and that is what I do not understand.

Thank goodness for some sense. I can understand people being insecure, I would have been with my ex because I didn’t trust him. But that’s not how a healthy relationship should be.

But betraying a relationship isn't just about having sex.
Betraying a relationship is often about having an inappropriate emotional connection with somebody outside the marriage/ partnership. I've seen women on MN saying they could have coped with their DH/DP having a purely sexual relationship with another woman much better than them having an emotional affair.
Betrayal of intimacy isn't necessarily always physical.
You come over as proud of knowing your male friends most private thoughts and intention. It reads that you really see your relationship as more intimate than the one they have with their wives. And I feel no wonder the wives are insecure.

reading between the lines, you don’t think people can be friends with the opposite sex? Or there are different rules attached to those friendships? Nobody explained these rules to me. My friends are just my friends. It’s not complicated and I don’t know why you are trying to make it so.

You’ve also made a lot of assumptions there. I don’t know where you have got the impression I know their most private thoughts and intentions or that I feel it’s intimate. I’ve used the word platonic several times.

Do you both work full time and have children? How do you both have the time? Are you swingers? 😂

Given what you've said about your friendship I would not be surprised if this was indeed a source of anxiety and stress for the DW contributing to a less than happy marriage. She is probably putting up with you as her DH has dug his heels in. Why would you do that to someone? Mostly social etiquette would mean taking a step back.

I would love to see the AIBU OP of this DW: "AIBU for not liking my DH's female friend to take out DCs on day trips even though I've told him I'm not comfortable with this friendship?" 😒

So, @nursingadvice what do you think of my pal's dh getting a message from his works prolific messager asking him what he was having for tea. Can you see how that is intrusive and weird, no matter how desperate some folk are to be friends with married men?

I would never ask anyone what they are having for tea as I don’t care. If she’s using that as an out of the blue conversation starter then yes it’s a bit weird. But general back and forth reciprocated messages are not weird.

If I had a female friend with a controlling husband who had issue with me (another female) being friends with his wife, would you say the same thing? Because as much as you can argue that it’s not the same thing, it really genuinely is in this situation.

Can you not see the hypocrisy in this sentence.

And the other comment suggesting you knew your friend's internal thinking was probably aimed at you coming to the conclusion the wife is jealous.

You really know what you are doing.

It's really not kind.

Yes, both work FT, yes, have a child. No to swinging! (Though we once lived, unbeknownst to ourselves, in a village apparently notorious for it, but among an older generation…😀)

When I say ‘going out’, I could be talking about a drink after work, rather than some kind of night on the town, mind you! We’ve moved around internationally a lot, and lived in London for ten years, and Paris for a couple and in the US aeons back, so if either of us is travelling for work there’s often old friendships to pick up there.

I do believe people of the opposite sex can be friends.

But a marriage/ partnership should always take presidence, otherwise why bother getting married or enter into a partnership?

It's not complicated for you because you are single. But your friends arent single. They have someone else to consider.

You appear to assume that your married friends have no obligation to put their intimacy with their wives as a priority over their friendship with you. That's what I have a problem with. You seem to see your friendship is equal to, or more important than, their marriage.

The point I was trying to make it it’s unhealthy and toxic. Why should I lose a good friend because of that?
I’m not kind because of an innocent friendship? I should just stop speaking to my friend of nearly 10 years?

I don’t view it in that way at all. It’s just not my concern. It’s for them to figure out, if they need to step back then I hats fine but I won’t be the one to instigate that.

I think that’s perfectly fair.

I thought friendship was about wanting the best for you friends?
You come over as really ruthless and uncaring about how your behaviour affects anybody else..
And yes I accept your male friends are culpable: if they wanted they could step back from friendship with you. If they arent doing that then it says a lot about them
I feel really sorry for their wives entering into a marriage where another woman iapparently feels more important to their DH than they are.
But you do you. I accept its none of my business.

I really hate this idea that a close friendship is an “emotional affair”. Of course people have emotional intimacy with friends, that’s a good friendship. My good friends are of equal importance to me as my partner. It’s really odd to me to think that because I’m in a relationship I should deprioritise my friends, or not make any new ones. (My partner and I are both bisexual so for us this mentality isn’t limited to people of the opposite sex).

I’ve been on holiday alone with a male friend. I found out I might not be able to go on a holiday my partner and I had booked so he said he might ask a female friend instead. He also goes away most years with his gay male best friend, and I often hang out with a fellow female bisexual friend and talk about deep emotional topics. I guess some people think we’re all having affairs. I find it very sad and small minded thinking there’s only room for one deep emotional connection in life.

I agree. If any of my friends said their partner had an issue with our friendship I’d frankly think less of the partner and consider it entirely a them problem.

I’d also wonder why the friend was telling me. That’s their relationship issue to fix.

Yes, I agree with this.