Page 16 | Dh has new female friend

Saladdays01 · 2025-01-24T22:38:57+00:00

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

Thisisthemomentforchange · 25/01/2025 21:04

Ratisshortforratthew · 25/01/2025 20:47

I really hate this idea that a close friendship is an “emotional affair”. Of course people have emotional intimacy with friends, that’s a good friendship. My good friends are of equal importance to me as my partner. It’s really odd to me to think that because I’m in a relationship I should deprioritise my friends, or not make any new ones. (My partner and I are both bisexual so for us this mentality isn’t limited to people of the opposite sex).

I’ve been on holiday alone with a male friend. I found out I might not be able to go on a holiday my partner and I had booked so he said he might ask a female friend instead. He also goes away most years with his gay male best friend, and I often hang out with a fellow female bisexual friend and talk about deep emotional topics. I guess some people think we’re all having affairs. I find it very sad and small minded thinking there’s only room for one deep emotional connection in life.

If you and your partner are happy with the way you live your lives then that is fine.

But I would suggest that the majority of people who enter into a marriage or committed relationship think of their spouse or partner as more important than their friends. And that is fine for them.

In OP's case her DH's increasing involvement with his new young friend is not compatible with her understanding of what their marriage is: that it's a monogamous relationship where they are each other's priority. So she has every right to be upset and worried.

She has very right to be upset and worried. Just as you have every right to live your life and relationship as suits you and your partner.

Nursingadvice · 25/01/2025 21:14

Thisisthemomentforchange · 25/01/2025 20:43

I thought friendship was about wanting the best for you friends?
You come over as really ruthless and uncaring about how your behaviour affects anybody else..
And yes I accept your male friends are culpable: if they wanted they could step back from friendship with you. If they arent doing that then it says a lot about them
I feel really sorry for their wives entering into a marriage where another woman iapparently feels more important to their DH than they are.
But you do you. I accept its none of my business.

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You’re really making it something it’s not. It’s really not a big deal at all. You’re turning an innocent friendship into something bad.

Ratisshortforratthew · 25/01/2025 21:17

Thisisthemomentforchange · 25/01/2025 21:04

If you and your partner are happy with the way you live your lives then that is fine.

But I would suggest that the majority of people who enter into a marriage or committed relationship think of their spouse or partner as more important than their friends. And that is fine for them.

In OP's case her DH's increasing involvement with his new young friend is not compatible with her understanding of what their marriage is: that it's a monogamous relationship where they are each other's priority. So she has every right to be upset and worried.

She has very right to be upset and worried. Just as you have every right to live your life and relationship as suits you and your partner.

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Even if you do think your partner always takes priority, that surely doesn’t mean there ceases to be room for new friendships? That’s what I don’t get. It just seems such a rigid and joyless mindset. It doesn’t seem he’s doing anything underhand or secretive and this woman is also making an effort to include OP (which according to some PP is also wrong, the mind boggles)

admirible · 25/01/2025 21:23

Oh no no no, no going out for a drink with him on her own. What should you be doing, while they are having fun, getting close, laughing, staying at home doing the dishes. GO WITH THEM

Thisisthemomentforchange · 25/01/2025 21:26

Ratisshortforratthew · 25/01/2025 21:17

Even if you do think your partner always takes priority, that surely doesn’t mean there ceases to be room for new friendships? That’s what I don’t get. It just seems such a rigid and joyless mindset. It doesn’t seem he’s doing anything underhand or secretive and this woman is also making an effort to include OP (which according to some PP is also wrong, the mind boggles)

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Of course there's room for new friendships: but it's the type of friendship that is the problem here.
The young woman colleague/ older more senior and powerful married man/ inappropriate texting/ lifts , and now drinks alone. It's a cliche.
On MN we hear all the time about the cheater's Script. And it's uncanny the way men follow the Script religiously . Well there is almost a Script type 2 which men follow when they embark on these friendships with colleagues which end up as affairs, .

SabreIsMyFave · 25/01/2025 21:55

Paisleyandpolkadots · 25/01/2025 17:26

I wouldn't be worried about driving it underground by tackling the issue. I think he's much more likely to be cheating in plain sight at this stage. I would ask my husband to dial back this "friendship". No after hours messaging unless its a work emergency. No drink and no lifts. If the friendship is so trivial and unimportant, it shouldn't be a wrench to give it up to save you, his wife, worry. After all he sees her for five days every week.

Actually, my husband wouldn't put me in this position because he understands boundaries. But if you think yours is worth keeping I'd be seeing this woman off promptly. I am sure his colleagues will have noticed and likely be gossiping. It really is a story as old as time and people really do have the capacity to rationalise dreadful behaviour.

This. There are some right arrogant nobby posts on here from a few posters who are saying they don't GET why some wives are allegedly soooo paranoid... And their DH's should be allowed young female friends who they message constantly while with their wife and children, socialise with them privately alone, and chat privately with no-one else there. LOL fuck off. 😂 Is that hell acceptable for any married man to do!

And as for the patronising and hilarious post that someone posted further back suggesting 'maybe some mumsnetters should get some close male friends to deal with the loneliness many of them appear to have' (as the OP's husband's female friend clearly has). Are they taking the piss?!' 😂 I don't need to insert someone else's fucking husband into my life, and keep messaging him 20 times a day, with stupid memes and jokes and photos and cute messages with xoxoxo all over them, taking his attention away from his wife. I'm not sooo desperate for male company and sooo needy, that I need extra male friends in my life. And I certainly don't need to socialise with married male friends - alone. (Or want to!)

I have enough friends, (mostly female but several male) and A HUSBAND OF MY OWN, and also 2 adult DC, and I'm not that desperate for attention, or short of company, and people in my life, that I need to get attention and 'company' from other womens husbands! And as I said earlier, I HAVE male friends. (A few married, a few not,) but I don't constantly message them, chat with them at great length, and socialise with them alone (just me and him.)

And I would NEVER socialise with a married man and completely exclude his wife. As a married woman I have NO desire to socialise with any man, married or not, if it is just me and him. Such a shitty cunty way for a man to treat his wife, AND for a woman to behave with a man she knows is married. If you're a woman who is so desperate for male company, and so needy and attention-seeking and lonely, go for a single man!

.

Nursingadvice · 25/01/2025 22:22

SabreIsMyFave · 25/01/2025 21:55

This. There are some right arrogant nobby posts on here from a few posters who are saying they don't GET why some wives are allegedly soooo paranoid... And their DH's should be allowed young female friends who they message constantly while with their wife and children, socialise with them privately alone, and chat privately with no-one else there. LOL fuck off. 😂 Is that hell acceptable for any married man to do!

And as for the patronising and hilarious post that someone posted further back suggesting 'maybe some mumsnetters should get some close male friends to deal with the loneliness many of them appear to have' (as the OP's husband's female friend clearly has). Are they taking the piss?!' 😂 I don't need to insert someone else's fucking husband into my life, and keep messaging him 20 times a day, with stupid memes and jokes and photos and cute messages with xoxoxo all over them, taking his attention away from his wife. I'm not sooo desperate for male company and sooo needy, that I need extra male friends in my life. And I certainly don't need to socialise with married male friends - alone. (Or want to!)

I have enough friends, (mostly female but several male) and A HUSBAND OF MY OWN, and also 2 adult DC, and I'm not that desperate for attention, or short of company, and people in my life, that I need to get attention and 'company' from other womens husbands! And as I said earlier, I HAVE male friends. (A few married, a few not,) but I don't constantly message them, chat with them at great length, and socialise with them alone (just me and him.)

And I would NEVER socialise with a married man and completely exclude his wife. As a married woman I have NO desire to socialise with any man, married or not, if it is just me and him. Such a shitty cunty way for a man to treat his wife, AND for a woman to behave with a man she knows is married. If you're a woman who is so desperate for male company, and so needy and attention-seeking and lonely, go for a single man!

.

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I have no words for this

TableTimesGo · 25/01/2025 22:47

Nursingadvice · 25/01/2025 22:22

I have no words for this

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How about recognising that is how many married monogamous people feel, and that includes both sexes.

Really Nurse, most women would dread having somone like you on the periphery of their relationship, it's almost like you're waiting in the wings, much like op's h's friend who seems to like inserting herself into other people's marriages.

SabreIsMyFave · 25/01/2025 22:49

TableTimesGo · 25/01/2025 22:47

How about recognising that is how many married monogamous people feel, and that includes both sexes.

Really Nurse, most women would dread having somone like you on the periphery of their relationship, it's almost like you're waiting in the wings, much like op's h's friend who seems to like inserting herself into other people's marriages.

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Yep this. ^ Put it so much better than I could put it.

I think that poster has recognised herself in my post. 😆Especially in the last paragraph! #hitarawnerve

Nursingadvice · 25/01/2025 23:16

TableTimesGo · 25/01/2025 22:47

How about recognising that is how many married monogamous people feel, and that includes both sexes.

Really Nurse, most women would dread having somone like you on the periphery of their relationship, it's almost like you're waiting in the wings, much like op's h's friend who seems to like inserting herself into other people's marriages.

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But why? Like what is the problem? I’m genuinely baffled why someone would dread someone being friends with their partner. It’s really weird and I can not get my head around it.

Nursingadvice · 25/01/2025 23:21

SabreIsMyFave · 25/01/2025 22:49

Yep this. ^ Put it so much better than I could put it.

I think that poster has recognised herself in my post. 😆Especially in the last paragraph! #hitarawnerve

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Your insecurity is making you differentiate between male and female friendships though. To me, my friends are just my friends. I’m not friends with them because they are male and I am wanting male attention. That’s a weird and warped way of looking at it and says more about you that it does me. They are close friends who I adore, the same as my female friends. I don’t have a large circle of friends but the few I do have, are all very good friends who I trust and treasure. If these men were pricks to their wives or disrespectful, they would not be people I’d want to associate with.
Just to be clear, I go to their children’s birthday parties etc I am not some secret forbidden friendship.

veraswaistcoat · 26/01/2025 00:03

@SabreIsMyFave well said. You have summed it all up.

veraswaistcoat · 26/01/2025 00:11

@Nursingadvice

"
It hasn’t been said to me in a bitching about his wife way. I can’t explain it but we’re friends, we talk. I haven’t been explicitly told what’s been said, but I’ve just got that impression.
Yes she knows, children are late primary so would obviously say. I was also invited to their recent baby shower. Wife is nice to me, we get on fine but under the surface I guess there’s an issue and that is what I do not understand."

Oh my that is a horrible thought to have and even worse to not appear to care about it. I imagine you say " well he wants to" thereby saying that he is not giving his wife's needs the respect they deserve. Yet you also say your male friends treat their wives well. I wouldn't say this is a respectful man and it seems you are in the same boat too.

TableTimesGo · 26/01/2025 00:15

Nursingadvice · 25/01/2025 23:16

But why? Like what is the problem? I’m genuinely baffled why someone would dread someone being friends with their partner. It’s really weird and I can not get my head around it.

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Well you yourself said you didn't trust your ex husband, why was that, it's not rocket science is it.

veraswaistcoat · 26/01/2025 00:18

@Nursingadvice you said
"I hate threads like this. I’m single and I’ve had 2 really close male friends, both married. Would go for lunch or whatever with them or meet for coffee. Met both through work. Would message very frequently.
Both wives have problems with it, even though I’ve met them and it’s friendly. Behind my back they complain and make a fuss. One friend now doesn’t speak to me which is really sad. The other is still a close friend luckily. "

Is it because threads like these make you realise that these people might be tolerating you, feeling sorry for you or even joking about you? You know you cause/ caused problems in two relationships but you dismiss your role in it? That's a horrible thing to admit. 😳

Nursingadvice · 26/01/2025 00:19

TableTimesGo · 26/01/2025 00:15

Well you yourself said you didn't trust your ex husband, why was that, it's not rocket science is it.

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Wasn’t my husband and he was abusive. That isn’t the case here though.

Nursingadvice · 26/01/2025 00:21

veraswaistcoat · 26/01/2025 00:18

@Nursingadvice you said
"I hate threads like this. I’m single and I’ve had 2 really close male friends, both married. Would go for lunch or whatever with them or meet for coffee. Met both through work. Would message very frequently.
Both wives have problems with it, even though I’ve met them and it’s friendly. Behind my back they complain and make a fuss. One friend now doesn’t speak to me which is really sad. The other is still a close friend luckily. "

Is it because threads like these make you realise that these people might be tolerating you, feeling sorry for you or even joking about you? You know you cause/ caused problems in two relationships but you dismiss your role in it? That's a horrible thing to admit. 😳

I don’t think my close friends of 10 years that I’m incredibly close to are tolerating me or joking about me, no.

TableTimesGo · 26/01/2025 00:27

veraswaistcoat · 26/01/2025 00:11

@Nursingadvice

"
It hasn’t been said to me in a bitching about his wife way. I can’t explain it but we’re friends, we talk. I haven’t been explicitly told what’s been said, but I’ve just got that impression.
Yes she knows, children are late primary so would obviously say. I was also invited to their recent baby shower. Wife is nice to me, we get on fine but under the surface I guess there’s an issue and that is what I do not understand."

Oh my that is a horrible thought to have and even worse to not appear to care about it. I imagine you say " well he wants to" thereby saying that he is not giving his wife's needs the respect they deserve. Yet you also say your male friends treat their wives well. I wouldn't say this is a respectful man and it seems you are in the same boat too.

So his wife has just had a baby ? He's taking the older kids out to the park to 'give her a break' and at the same time meeting up with you, 'accidentally' in front of the children or does he tell her explicitly he's meeting you.

Your conclusions about his wife being unhappy come from him.
She doesn't know you meet up does she.

Poor woman

ThisQuickJadeWasp · 26/01/2025 00:50

Ratri · 25/01/2025 11:25

Do you generally invite yourself along every time he goes out?

One of my closest male friends is younger than I am and conventionally attractive, well-off and with a prestigious job. I am older, plain, and not particularly well off. I’m hardly some kind ‘trophy female friend’.

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Nope I don’t but in this particular situation I would. And the question isn’t why I would invite myself but why I’m not automatically invited in this situation in the first place.

And I shouldn’t need to invite myself if this new friendship with this other woman is so innocent what is their to hide from his wife why would this get together need to happen in secret People keep mentioning and bringing up long standing opposite sex friends of 30 years that they had long before their partner was ever in the picture which is a completely different scenario to the one that is presented here. This is a shiny new friendship and being he is human and this woman is younger attractive in a vulnerable state a newly single young mom that adds a whole added messy layer to things.

Then she suddenly becoming single befriends this man knowing he is married and invites him out solo for evening drinks instead of saying would you and your wife like to come out for dinner/drinks she invites just him. A true woman would respect his marriage and not pursue this friendship outside of work hours or if she did always make it very clear the invite is for the couple not just extend it to him. You go out of your way to show you aren’t a threat to your marriage. Part of caring about and being a good friend is respecting their marriage.

all of this combined new woman he is suddenly chatting up, texting after work hours about non work related matters when he already saw the woman 8 hours that day, leaving his wife and child to meet up with her for drinks, tending to a woman in an emotionally vulnerable state is a recipe to fall into an affair. That’s literally the textbook classic definition of an emotional affair. In fact I would seduce he is already cheating not physically but emotionally. Allowing this woman into his family life by giving her head space by texting her non related work things after work hours. That’s time he is alloting to her, leaving his wife and child at home to meet up solo for drinks and not inviting his wife check mark for going behind his wife’s back and not being out in the open, one on one in an intimate environment evening drinks one on one. The only thing left to do is have sex with her but I can guarantee that’s not too far off. My man and I don’t even text all day or get to go out for drinks one on one all the time he certainly isn’t about to do it with some other woman he just met.

reverse the genders and say OP just met some new younger newly single man and was engaging in the same exact behaviors with him dollars to donuts her husband wouldn’t be ok with it.

ThisQuickJadeWasp · 26/01/2025 00:57

BreakfastClubBlues · 25/01/2025 11:43

So having any kind of boundary or expectation of how someone in a relationship with you behaves, is an abusive, controlling act?

My DH can absolutely do whatever he likes, be friends with who he likes, choose to invest hours into another woman that isn't me and shag whoever he likes; but he won't be able to do all of those things while remaining in a relationship with me.

It's not abusive and controlling- it's a boundary.

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I said it before and I’ll say it again. Of course my husband is free to go on dates with other women, dedicate lots of time texting a new female friend after work hours about non work related things, keep the friendship under wraps by not inviting me out to evening drinks with her on on one sure he’s absolutely free to do all those things…but I will be divorcing his ass then he will be free to date all the women in the world he wants. He can’t have his cake and eat it too

madamweb · 26/01/2025 01:00

ThisQuickJadeWasp · 26/01/2025 00:57

I said it before and I’ll say it again. Of course my husband is free to go on dates with other women, dedicate lots of time texting a new female friend after work hours about non work related things, keep the friendship under wraps by not inviting me out to evening drinks with her on on one sure he’s absolutely free to do all those things…but I will be divorcing his ass then he will be free to date all the women in the world he wants. He can’t have his cake and eat it too

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Exactly.

I wouldn't stop mine doing it, if that's what he wanted. But he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it.

He is free to act as he chooses. But I am free to end the relationship whenever I choose to.

Kisskiss · 26/01/2025 01:02

I have make work colleagues that I could class as friends and I still wouldn’t be going out with them alone.. I go out with their wives alone or as a double date. Sometimes myself and my husband will meet them alone.
think there’s no point opening the situation up to any risk , he doesn’t need to take everyone under his wing! Feelings can develop over time and it’s easier to just avoid creating an environment where that can happen

ThisQuickJadeWasp · 26/01/2025 02:22

Jumpingthruhoops · 25/01/2025 12:55

Not an issue for me at all. Other people's relationships are none of my business.

I just know in MY own relationship, there are boundaries my DH wouldn't cross, so he can be friends with whomever he chooses. I respect him and trust him enough to know where those boundaries are and I'm confident he would soon spot the 'red flags' in a woman like this and cool the friendship.

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But why even go near fire to wait and see if he gets burned. Your logic of he will wait and see if red flags appear is faulty bc that’s the equivalent of sticking your hand near a hot oven or a fire and waiting to see if your skin actually gets burned. That’s what boundaries are for safeguarding your marriage so that possibility doesn’t happen. And texting a newly young single woman constantly and meeting her alone for drinks without inviting your wife along to join is called leading her on. Well this man is willing to ditch his wife at home to meet over drinks with me and message me constantly clearly he is into me.

TammyJones · 26/01/2025 02:26

Thisisthemomentforchange · 24/01/2025 22:42

I would go along OP.
It sounds innocent enough so far but things are developing : they are frequently messaging about non work stuff, lift sharing and now talking about going for drinks together so they are obviously becoming close.

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Hum .... do I want my dh to go out for a drink , with a newly single woman (that's call a date isn't it ?)
Let me think .... hell no - bet she doesn't look like a Troll either.
Doesn't she have any female friends?

TammyJones · 26/01/2025 02:56

WoolySnail · 25/01/2025 09:30

Every couple I know who introduced a new friend of the opposite sex has ended up with one of them cheating. All of them introduced them to their spouses, had them in their homes, made friends with the wife or husband etc.
So I'm afraid it's left me rather cynical. Interestingly each set were all vastly different ages and gender too.

Quel surprise.....
This makes me quite mad... tell him no he can't go a date with her , and to stop texting , Attractive, younger, single , lonely women.... and if he says 'he should be allowed female friends' grab your cost , stick some lipstick on and tell him, you're off out to meet Pete from sales , who's recently divorced and has been asking you for drinks since November....: