Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

Sounds so far ok but I wouldn't mix alcohol and them alone personally.

🤣🤣🤣
Muffin top Mandy aged 50 vs. leggy luscious Laura aged 30.

I'm definitely more akin to the former though😬

Well, I can only assure you that while I don’t have a muffin top, I’m 52 and more ‘hatchet-faced Helen’ than ‘luscious leggy Lauren’. Whatever my male friends see in me, it’s not my looks, any more than my female friends do. I mean, do you choose your friends for their sex appeal?😃

Being in touch with you too is muddying the waters, throwing you off the scent. You've been wondering if this is what's happening. It is.

I hate threads like this. I’m single and I’ve had 2 really close male friends, both married. Would go for lunch or whatever with them or meet for coffee. Met both through work. Would message very frequently.
Both wives have problems with it, even though I’ve met them and it’s friendly. Behind my back they complain and make a fuss. One friend now doesn’t speak to me which is really sad. The other is still a close friend luckily.

Its 100% completely innocent on both sides and always has been.

So you know 2 other women are unhappy with your behaviour and yet you carry on with it. How immensely classy of you. Have a medal

What do you mean by my behaviour?

Why would you message these married men who were work colleagues frequently, why not just chat at work?

We don’t work together anymore and haven’t for over 5 years but have kept in touch and remained friends. Well with one of them anyway. The other one gradually distanced due to the wife- it’s not a happy marriage (nothing to do with me before anybody assumes)

Also do you not message your friends?

I also disagree and don’t find it suspicious. I have had close male friends in some jobs and close female friends in others. I message a lot outside work with a female colleague at the moment, we just get on and have in jokes from work etc. This has been similar with a man in the past with nothing untoward in it at all. If she is being friendly to you and you like her, just make her a mutual friend and all three of you can hang out sometimes. Not all single women are after people’s husbands, she just sounds like she is trying to meet new people.

No I don't choose my friends based on their sex appeal but that definitely doesn't preclude OP's DH pursuing this "friendship" on that basis.

What some of us are trying to say is that if the DH was planning drinks with Neil from IT, Dave from Finance or indeed 50 year old Mandy, that would be less to worry about (no offence, Mandy). However the DH is indeed looking a bit too cosy with luscious Laura who happens to be single. We are just saying that this could be the beginning of trouble, especially given they are planning drinks!

Great if it's all innocent of course but OP is not comfortable with this which is absolutely reasonable. There's no right or wrong, it's how OP feels (and many others by the looks of it).

My DH doesn't even meet male friends for a one to one drink and message everyday. We work full time, have a family, have loads of couple friends, he plays golf. He needs to work and sleep. He has absolutely no interest in having a female friend.

As regards the 100% innocent you can only speak for yourself: you do not,and will never know, what these men think about you in the privacy of their own thoughts.
I don't know why you are single - it's none of my business. But a single person owes nobody anything apart from themselves, when it comes to relationships. These men friends of yours are not single: they have made a commitment to another woman. Therefore they have a moral duty to prioritise their relationship with their partner. So what right do you have to criticise their wives for not being happy about their DH's relationship with you?

Ahhh, this is why I love Mumsnet: someone says they're very happily married and is given all reasons why this absolutely can't be possible, that we must be deluded or 'it's only a matter of time'.

We've been married for 30 years, we are best friends and we've both said we'd choose each other all over again. So no doubts here! 👍

I can guarantee it is 100% innocent on both sides. They are close friends that I know very well. They are just not like that, they’re good people, good husbands.
I guess I just judge anybody, male or female, that wants to control their partners friendships for no reason other than their own insecurities.

All I see is posters saying that they have male friends and it's fine but not many saying that their DHs are staying out with their female friends.

I message my friends yes. The pp said she messaged her married male friends very frequently. I don't message married male friends very frequently nope.

I'm sorry but this really reads as though you honestly think you know these men and their thoughts and behaviour better than their own wives. That you feel you are closer to them than their supposed life partners.
Really I'm not surprised their wives are upset because you come over in your post as thinking your friendship trumps their marriage. If these wives are uncomfortable with your presence in their marriage I don't see it as them being controlling at all.

Hold on - you’re saying these women have told their husbands they’re not happy with the friendships and not only does one of these men continue going out with you, they both told you their wives aren’t happy about it? And you don’t think that’s awful?

It was me that said that. I don’t treat my friends differently according to sex or marital status though. They’re just my friends, I’m closer to some than others. Some I speak to monthly, some weekly, some more. The friend I speak to the most is a married male.

Going for a drink? No way unless you’re invited. How disrespectful to you if they do, from both him and her.

If it was a male friend it'd be a completely different scenario

Yes I do think it’s awful that a partner would try to control their partners platonic friendships but I assume that is not the point you’re trying to make.

We are not going out for romantic evening meals. It would be meeting in the park with both of our children and grabbing a coffee for example. He has taken my child with his to the cinema, I have also taken their child on days out with me. No different to my female friends.

My friend's dh once got a message from a woman at work asking what he was having for his tea . He didn't reply, she had form for being a text pest with others but seriously how weird and intrusive.

These deluded people who have got to be messaging people incessantly really need to get a hobby.