Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

Cheating is a trust issue. Can see many netters have trust issues with their spouse.

So if these "many netters" simply trust their partners they'll never get cheated on? Except lots of people do trust their partners, don't have trust issues and still get cheated on.

I'm a single male and am on friendly terms with an attractive married lady at work. She's younger than me, but I'm a similar age to her husband.

We occasionally (once per week at most) exchange messages outside of work, inc on holiday, but there's an unspoken mutual understanding that it doesn't go beyond that, and there's no way on Earth that I'd ask her out for a drink - that would obviously be dodgy.

I became close to a guy I worked with years ago, we were really close and both in separate relationships. I wasn't interested in him romantically but we did have a lot in common. His girlfriend and then wife was always mostly nice to me but there were a few times I could tell she wasn't thrilled about me. I stayed at their house for 2 nights once at their invitation when I was between flats and I heard her moaning quite loudly about me to him how I had better now over stay my welcome when to be fair I had already told them I'd be moving into the new place the next day! I also cooked and cleaned for them when I was staying there.

We did get on ok mostly and occasionally did things just the two if us but it was always a situation where someone else had dropped out and she needed a fill in at short notice. They got married and so did I, at each others weddings and all that. Me and her husband still hung out on our own at concerts and exhibitions. However after she had her first baby she just seemed to hate me, him wanting to meet up with me was causing arguments and on one occasion at their flat when I dropped in to leave a gift for the baby she was openly hostile to me. It was quite upsetting. I very rarely see my friend now, it just isn't worth the aggro, his family and marriage is more important than our friendship. Such is life, sadly male and female platonic friendships are often problematic eventually due to partners being uncomfortable or feelings actually developing.

There's one of these threads almost every other day.

25 years ago I worked with this guy, we hit it off, we used to go out clubbing together because his partner didn't like it so it made sense that we went on our own. 25 years later he's still in my life, he married his partner a couple of years ago. I was one of the few friends invited to the wedding. He's my best friend and I love him dearly, the thought of anything romantic makes me cringe.

Not every woman wants to jump into bed with your husband. Quite frankly some women think their husbands are studs when in reality they're nothing special.

P.S not every separated woman is desperate for your husband either. Not sure what her being separated has to do with anything.

It’s natural for friendships to ebb and flow. That’s human nature and life. 💐

You went clubbing with a man because his dp didn't like clubbing? I mean why would either of you do that. Surely the whole point of relationships is you have common interests.

The point of the op is they are messaging constantly. That isn't normal or ok. Ive worked with married men and the only ones I've seen socially are when it's a work do. He shouldn't be your best friend and you really shouldn't love him, very weird and inappropriate. Do you have other friends?

He shouldn't be your best friend and you really shouldn't love him, very weird and inappropriate. Do you have other friends?

@Gloriia

Whilst I agree OPs husband is on dodgy ground and messaging this woman is entirely inappropriate. I really don't understand why @XxSideshowAuntSallyx shouldn't have a male best friend or indeed love him? Why?

I do have a word with yourself. Men and women can be friends, it doesn't stop because one gets married. You sound like my abusive narcissist ex husband saying he shouldn't be my best friend.

I have loads of friends thanks for asking, including his wife! Who doesn't mind us going out on our own because she's happy and confident in her marriage, and she trusts her husband and me.

I'm sure after 25 odd years we would have known if she wasn't and she wouldn't have invited me round for various events including their children's birthdays, Christmas meals, family events etc.

Fine to have a married man as a friend but again for the trillionth time we have social norms and boundaries. I'd be horrified if any of my male friends professed to loving me or thought I was their bff. Just no.

'Men and women can be friends, it doesn't stop because one gets married'

Yes, men and women can be friends I think we've all established that.

What isn't ok is all the messaging in the op's case or saying you love your married male friend in your case. Boundaries!

No, they're YOUR boundaries! No one else's! You speak of social norms - it's a social norm in many places to cover women head to toe so they can't be gawped at by the menfolk. Shall we do that to married people? Or shall we accept that men and women can be friends, choose to love, in any capacity, whoever they want. That boundaries can only be built within a marriage and what is a boundary for one couple, isn't the same for another. That loving a member of the opposite sex doesn't mean you want to caress their penis!

'it's a social norm in many places to cover women head to toe so they can't be gawped at by the menfolk. Shall we do that to married people? Or shall we accept that men and women can be friends,'

No we shouldn't adopt dress according to other people's religions obviously.

And yes men and women can be friends. Once either are in committed relationships there should not be covert constant messaging and imo socialising involves all parties together with their dps. Or else it is weird and inappropriate, sorry. Having said that my dh did go to a gig with a woman from work but it was a one off and he certainly doesn't love her or vice versa.

I wouldn't be worried about driving it underground by tackling the issue. I think he's much more likely to be cheating in plain sight at this stage. I would ask my husband to dial back this "friendship". No after hours messaging unless its a work emergency. No drink and no lifts. If the friendship is so trivial and unimportant, it shouldn't be a wrench to give it up to save you, his wife, worry. After all he sees her for five days every week.

Actually, my husband wouldn't put me in this position because he understands boundaries. But if you think yours is worth keeping I'd be seeing this woman off promptly. I am sure his colleagues will have noticed and likely be gossiping. It really is a story as old as time and people really do have the capacity to rationalise dreadful behaviour.

This is so true about the eating up time! My DH has a female work colleague and they spend all day in the same office , have lunch together most days ( as a group- but all go got a walk together or all go for lunch out) plus they have lots of socials. They used to what's app loads at night which would piss me off as I work evenings so the time we spend just as a family isn't that much. He also would sometimes go meet just her for dinner( she has a partner) which annoyed me as we barely spend any time together. If I go out with friends I feel guilty that I'm not there for the kids to go to bed ( as I miss it when I'm working) I often joke ( well half joke) to him that if he added up how much time he spends with me it's much much much less than with his friend he works and socials with ( plus as we have kids our time together is also with the kids where as they have one to one time).

If the friendship is so trivial and unimportant, it shouldn't be a wrench to give it up

Excellent point

How does he respond?

He doesn't agree
To be fair he doesnt whats app when I'm not at work anymore so I don't think they chat much out of work unless on a social anymore .And hasn't been round her house in the last 6 months. I've met her and her partner for dinner and they were nice but all over him if that makes sense. And when I've seen her at his work she doesn't speak to me which I always feel is weird! Tho most of his work people are like that.

Both OH and I have friends of the opposite sex who text, with whom we have dinner, go to events that the other half isn't interested in. The fact that these friends are of the opposite sex isn't a problem. What might be a problem would be affection in which sex mattered.

If this is the first time that your husband has had a female friend, then it's unusual, and perhaps not within the terms of your relationship. So you either attempt to put a stop to it, citing your explicit or implicit contract, as it were. Or you let it go, and if it's fine, you update the contract.

Other posters have said that if someone wants to have an affair, they're not going to decide against just because they've been told not to. I tend to agree. You can't stop it. And, actually, if our relationship was such that an affair was going to happen, I'm not sure I'd want to stop it. I'd rather just be told so I could get out.

Are the work ppl a bit odd or could he have mentioned something unfavourable so they may have pre-judged you do you think? I don’t want to stir the pot, I’m not saying he slags you off or anything, but maybe he’s vented and that may have had an impact on the way they view you. I’m probably wrong tho.

I hate when women focus on your bf/partner and blatantly ignore you tho, so ignorant and disrespectful. The men never seem to notice tho 🙄

Every single affair that I know of among my friends and acquaintances, without exception, has come as a total bolt from the blue to the spouse.

I spent an evening with friends once, I’d have said they were the most well suited couple I knew - together over twenty years, three kids, perfect match in every way. They even stood with their arms round each other waving us all off at the end of the night. The next morning he got up, packed his bag and left. He went off with a woman he met doing voluntary work. He was just waiting for his youngest to finish his exams.

I really don’t believe we can even be 100% certain our spouse won’t cheat. I don’t even think we can be 100% certain that we wouldn’t either, under the right (or wrong) circumstance.

Though I’d love to know how your husband repeatedly proves he only has eyes for you. My mind is boggling

I dunno I think they are all quite clicky!! One of the women who is nice, I said to her partner how they never speak to me and him and her both said they don't speak to him either. I think it's really childish to not acknowledge the other person who's stood right there. They're all young so part of me thinks it's just younger people😆. When his friend came for dinner it was almost hilarious because it wasn't just her entirely focused on him, her partner was too. They didn't ask me a single question😆. And weirdly they brought him a present but nothing for me or our young kids

Why should she need to invite herself, the fact the plan didn't include her to begin with...

"She has been very proactive in reaching out to me separately..."

Nobody on MN can tell you for sure, but that doesn't stop posters going berserk on here. (quoted post, good to see...)

We simply cannot tell you! What you're seeing here is just a history of various experiences. Pretty useless really.

Very proactive. Have you reached out to her? Arranged a one-to-one of your own?

You will then soon know a lot more than MNers can ever tell you.

Here's hoping a genuine friendship with another woman develops. It does actually happen you know. 🙂

A woman who is 10 years younger and single and whom OP's DH is feverishly texting back and forth like some giddy crush by the sounds of it.

There's no point from some posters arguing the toss about that THEY have lovely cosy friendships with married / single men, insisting to the OP and others that it's all tickety boo and any other thought on the matter is "abusive". I wonder what type of person finds themselves being the "type that shall not be named" and what they put up with or dish out in their relationships. But yes, ridiculous to insist the OP should be ok with her DH going on a drinks date with this much younger single female colleague.

And yes it is VERY different to going for a drink with Ian from Finance or Neil from IT😂

Invite yourself!

It seems like she’s making an effort to be friends with both of you so I don’t think it will be a problem at all?