Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

His ability level is that of a child so treat him like a child…just don’t patronise him!

Set up a daily checklist and pin it to the fridge. E.g:

Monday: hoover, dust and get the weekly shop
Tuesday: clean the kitchen and utility
Wednesday: clean the bathrooms
Thursday: take the bins out and do laundry
Friday: change the bedlinen and hoover
Saturday: cook breakfast
Sunday: put cars on charge

You shouldn’t have to do this, but if he’s never done it he needs some guidance.

Lodging with a mate is, to all intents and purposes, being homeless. You’re being taken for a complete and utter fool OP.

Exactly. Shared values, my arse.

So he's had a few previous partners...hmm that's a clue...

I’ve seen your update. He is an utter cocklodger. Of course his friends wife didn’t pick up his dirty socks from the floor.

He is choosing to treat you as his servant. Not very romantic. He should move out and see what needs doing as an adult.

A lot of men go through life with little experience of fending for themselves, running a household, etc. It's straight from "Mum does it all" to "g/f/wife does it all".

Indeed, and as I said, if she doesn’t want to do any “training” then that’s totally reasonable.

But she didn’t ask for advice on leaving, she asked for advice on how to fix it.

But this is a new partner, OP.

It's not your long term DH who's just been ill and is recovering.

Why have you signed up to be his nurse and housekeeper right away? What does he bring to the relationship?

He isn't supportive enough to do his own life admin, let alone any joint stuff, when he's not working all day.

The sex must be amazing because I can't see anything else keeping you here. Honestly, have some self-respect.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt you are going to have to micromanage to start with.

Mary Berry's cookery book has sections on what "folding" / "beating" / "whisking" all mean so that you are confounded by the recipe before you even start. I'm thinking you need to do similar.

So one booklet that describes what cleaning the bathroom entails (spray cleaning solution, wipe with cloth, rinse) and another booklet that says we do this on a Tuesday morning.

If he takes to it with gusto then you are all good and if he doesn't then it's time for another decision.

All his previous partners / wives have been

How many has he had 😳??

And he doesn't work? What a useless fucker.

Is this real?

Fucking hell, just send him a link to FlyLady or Marie Kondo or something and tell him it’s up to him to learn to adult.

If he is smart enough to run a successful business he is smart enough to learn to pick up his own socks and make dinner, especially given he has nothing else pressing for his attention.

Don't do this. It further infantilises.

We agreed on somewhere between 1 and 3 years

You could buy him the TOMMs book and see if he’s serious about trying to learn.

Or he could be one of those men it’s best to date, not live with.

He thinks woman 1 (you) should do it, or pay woman 2 (the cleaner) to do it.

We're both already not of a breeding age, lol.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not)

How many live in partners has he had?! That likely tells you a lot.

So you have to tidy up for the cleaner to get the job done? I can't believe what I'm reading. He just sits on his arse all day?

He's incredibly kind and supportive. We have same morals and values in life. Same quirky sense of humour. We can discuss random things for hours. Sex is amazing. I love him to bits. I don't need to be financially supported by a man, I have a good career of my own.

Ok. But you are tired & annoyed that he does NOTHING domestic. You work & then come home to his dirty socks & underpants waiting to be washed. His used crockery waiting to be washed up or loaded into the dishwasher. He is sat there waiting for you to come home & cook his dinner.

This needs to change. Or you will get the severe ick. His lazy incompetent faults will overwhelm the good bits, and you will end it hating him.

it does need addressing immediately @glensof It's irritating you already and you'll just become resentful.

This site may be useful

We've been in a relationship for nearly 4 years, just did not live together.

Sex is amazing? I can't imagine being sexually attracted to someone after picking up their mucky socks and underpants.

I have absolutely no issues with one half of a couple not working if they agree. I was an SAHM.
But if one half is not working, not doing chores, not booking their own appointments, what exactly are they bringing to the table?
Good sex and interesting convos are great. But I need more. I need someone to bring something to the table, either an income or managing the house. Otherwise it won't last.

So basically you’re doing everything for him. He must be laughing!
“ Training” him really shouldn’t be your responsibility.
He’s nothing more than a cocklodger .