Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

I get that you’re viewing this as positively as possible because in the main, you love him and want to live with him. However, I think that’s leaving you a bit blinkered as to why he can’t ’get it’.

I say this because unless he became wealthy via a lottery win or inheritance he made money by working and that requires an ability to function in the world. So I’d argue that he absolutely has the ability to do housework and take on the mental load. He just doesn’t want to.

It may not be conscious but he’s currently waiting you out to see if you’ll give in and just do it. He will deny it, he’ll say it’s a lot to learn after 40 years, he’ll say he just doesn’t see things, doesn’t understand how to do ‘insert job’, finds the washing machine confusing etc etc. but the bottom line is he just doesn’t want to do it. He’ll know that once it starts it won’t stop. He’s seen the women in his life do it over and over and he doesn’t much fancy it really. There may also be some latent misogyny hiding in there too.

As another pp has said - draw the line now, very clearly. If you don’t the resentment will build over time until the ick arrives and then it’s all over anyway.

And watch out for weaponised incompetence- that may be his next strategy.

Write a list with everything on. Give him a deadline of a month. He does all the things on the list without being reminded by the end of the month. Or he moves out.

one last chance. If he can make £££ he can work out he needs to pick up his socks

So he doesnt work
doesnt do chores
cant book his appointments.
sounds a catch.

Get rid. He sounds lazy and entitled.

Exactly! If he lived on his own, would he just sit there and starve to death because there are no fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to his table?

He is obviously expecting you to do what his previous partners did after working all day while he does bugger all. You should be really cross, but you seem to be accepting the ridiculous notion that he can't 'unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life'.

I probably did not express the situation quite right, not sure where all the "cocklodger" and "bin him" come from.
He's incredibly kind and supportive. We have same morals and values in life. Same quirky sense of humour. We can discuss random things for hours. Sex is amazing. I love him to bits. I don't need to be financially supported by a man, I have a good career of my own.

You are happ to pay all thebills for a relatively new relationship where he's not even pickign up any of the slack at home?

And before that he was a "lodger" in someone else's home?

And before that he earnt laods of money and women looked after him?

I can't help wondering if this is all just HIS version of events. How does he talk about his exes? And does he have children? Does he see them/support them?

So he's a lazy layabout who isn't working or lifting a finger in the house and you are making excuses for him? Tell him if he's not working and you are the bread winner then he is the homemaker and give him a list of what's expected in his role. If he doesn't comply then move out. Completely ridiculous for you to be earning the money AND behaving like his skivvy. Up your standards OP.

If you think he has capacity to learn, I suspect he doesn’t and all this is just weaponised incompetence, but let’s say he wants to.
Can you get an app with daily/weekly chores on? The team tomm app is quite good and you can add your own like pick your socks up etc as they arise. Then he can see what to do and tick it off as he does it. Then when he doesn’t do it you can sling the cocklodger back where he came from

Stop doing the jobs and see what happens. Even if he was an alien that has just landed on earth, once he starts noticing there is a problem, if he has any braincells surely he can work out what needs doing? He runs out of clean clothes because all his dirty ones are left on the floor and not washed - how does he think he will get clean clothes to wear again? You run out of toilet paper. Say oh dear, keep a secret hidden roll just for you if needs be until he sorts out buying more!

You arrive back home from work and ask him what is for dinner. If he says I don't know, ask him to sort something out for you both. He's not a 5yo, surely he is aware of the concept of supermarkets and purchasing food and cooking it.

How many ex wives?

I would be very kind, supportive and sexy as hell if I didn't have to work, do housework and admin.
Why don't you move him out and continue dating?

Sex and discussing random stuff is fun for a bit but trust me it will get really old when you're a year into him not working and not lifting a finger.

Enjoy it for a bit while the sex is still good but in the back of your mind start thinking about how to get him out when the time comes. And, I repeat, DO NOT breed with him.

Because genuinely if you have never done this stuff in your life it is not that easy to just suddenly know what needs doing and do it all. I am suggesting a few pointers as a temporary measure to get him started. You wouldn’t expect someone to start a brand new job in a new field and give them no training.

If OP doesn’t want to do this and would rather ditch the relationship then that’s also totally reasonable. But if she would prefer to get him to be more competent long term , I think this approach has more chance of success than just telling him to step up.

Of course it’s ridiculous that anyone can get to this age and have no idea about domestic tasks. But that’s where he is.

Partners and wives? Sounds like he's pissed off a lot of women with his laziness.

The sex must be truly amazing if you'll tolerate him doing nothing and contributing even less. A good rabbit would be a lot cheaper and wouldn't make any mess.

This must be a windup. No woman would put up with this situation.

Leaving you to do everything is neither kind nor supportive.

He sounds like an extremely expensive and time consuming pet.

I bet his previous “landlady” was glad to see him go.

We agreed on somewhere between 1 and 3 years. He has just recovered from a very bad health situation (against the expectations), and to be honest I am just happy that he's here with me, alive and (relatively) well.

@minipie

Because genuinely if you have never done this stuff in your life it is not that easy to just suddenly know what needs doing and do it all. I am suggesting a few pointers as a temporary measure to get him started.

Or alternatively she could just date an adult?

also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own).

Sorry, this is a capable adult who doesn't organise his own doctor's appointments or car insurance?

The quickest way he will learn - is if you stop doing these tasks and mental load - I'm sure he is a quick learner

Sounds like you are overlooking a lot to keep your romantic dream alive. You're being a mug and he is manipulating you with the helpless act and making you feel like a nagging bitch. Take the rose tinted glasses off ffs.

There are plenty of old fashioned books for women on how to be a homemaker. Nowadays there’s influencers teaching the same. There’s apps, websites, blogs, spreadsheets and systems.

Tell him in a month’s time it’s all up to him and he better start researching a system that works for him. He needs to start thinking of running the household like running a business, not a place where things just happen for him.

How on earth is sitting on his arse letting you work full time and still cook clean and wipe his arse being ‘kind and supportive and having same morals and values’?

He must be the best sex ever to tolerate being treated like a maid who bankrolls him