Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

Would he have been homeless if he didn't move in with you? In the US we call it "hobosexual."

Don't be a mug OP.

You'll be back on here in 2 years having realised you've been his slave and he's another lazy misogynist man.

I'd tell him to leave and come back when he's learned how to function as an unselfish adult. Whatever happens do NOT put him on the tenancy or mortgage.

In the UK we call it a cocklodger

Tell him you are going to end it unless he picks up the slack a bit. Tell him he should do a course in housekeeping if he doesn't understand what to do.
Honestly he's taking you for a ride. He may not have understood what to do but he doesn't sound stupid.. he could easily learn if he wanted to. Tonnes of info online about how to organise household tasks, how to clean any item, how to use any washing machine.. etcetera
What's his excuse for not at least attempting to keep on top of things?
He doesn't need to be Martha stewart, just do a bit of laundry and operate the dishwasher from time to time.. hoover a rug. It's not rocket science. Doesn't need to look like a show home.. he should just be showing a little bit of effort to support you since you are supporting him.

He was lodging with a friend for a year - I suspect the friend's wife picked up quite a lot of those tasks then.

Sounds fucking shit. Why are you with him?

Tell him he needs to think of the domestic stuff as if he’s starting a new job.

It will be a steep learning curve at the start as he has no experience. But he’s a bright guy, he can learn. And he needs to learn if he wants to get kept on at the end of his probation period.

If he needs some training you can provide pointers, lists, reminders but after a few weeks of that you expect him to get it and start doing it by himself without being told.

I’m not even joking. Men like this understand better if you frame things in work terms.

Wow he saw you coming didn’t he?

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts.

This is as close as I've ever seen to a textbook example of an oxymoron. If he does zero housework of any sort it's not a brilliant relationship.

If you have pointed this out to him and he doesn't acknowledge this, its a dead or dying relationship. That is all.

I would approach it in the same way I would training, so take him at his word.

Ok darling, you say you don't know how to do this, so let's work it out.

Large bits of paper and marker pens - food - 3 meals - where does the food come from? Who is cooking it? What needs to happen afterwards?

Laundry - what needs to happen? How often?

Cleaning- bathroom/vacuuming exactly what and exactly when? You get the idea, do this for everything.

Make him do it and write it. Just make general encouraging noises and additions if required.

You shouldn't have to but if he is genuinely claiming to be so thick he can't work it out, teach him. Then there is categorically no excuse for not doing it.
And if he doesn't like it and complains of being patronized them he knows already and it's bollocks.

Either way the reason disappears and he can take his place amongst other competent adults who just get on with it.

This!!!

No, he wouldn't.

One, how did he survive between relationships on his own?

Two, if you really want to try to teach him you either make a list together of ALL tasks a grown up needs to do, divvy them up and then 'set and forget' leaving him to sort his side

Or, (preferably and!) you stand him in the middle of the room and ask him what he sees that needs sorting out or will need ongoing attention

You could also put the tasks onto something like the tomm app which is customisable and then he can sort the ones allocated to him

The Mumsnet term 'cocklodger' springs to mind...

I would move him back out and reconsider the whole relationship. Frankly, paying for a cleaner when he is home already is ridiculous

He doesn't respect you. Probably a misogynist too. Only he can sort this out, it's absolutely not your responsibility to train a grown man.

@minipie

If he needs some training you can provide pointers, lists, reminders but after a few weeks of that you expect him to get it and start doing it by himself without being told.

Why on earth should the OP need to waste her time project managing this moron on top of doing the housework he can't or won't do?

If that's true then he's both lazy and selfish, imagine expecting friends to not only provide you with somewhere to live but also act as your domestic servant!

He's intelligent enough to have run a successful business, he can do all of the domestic stuff, he just doesn't want to.

If his health is so bad he can't work, are you making his appointments and transporting him to the doctors and therapist's offices? Has he applied for disability or do you have to do that for him? WTF does he actually do besides breathe?

If he managed a complex business, how can he not manage things like life admin and simple chores? Is one of his health issues cognitive?

From what you have written so far, he sounds like a leech.

When exactly is he planning on regrouping by?

If I had someone willing to pay all the bills and do all the housework and wait on me hand and foot then I probably wouldn’t be in too much hurry to “regroup” myself…

Leaving aside the weirdness of this situation, practically he needs to take ownership of this and solve it himself. It isn’t your problem, it’s his. He is lacking in skills and he needs to gain those skills quickly.

How about The Organised Mum (TOMM)?

I'd employ a cleaner and a maid. Charge him half of whatever income he has. If he has none, get rid of him stat. You are the cleaner/maid and are not getting paid for it are you?

There is no other way I don't think. He is set in his ways and in the end will do things if nagged, but will do them the wrong way so you will end up doing it anyway. It's a known ploy.

Get help at home.

Another one who needs to repeat - women are not rehabilitation centres for useless men.

Buy him a couple of those "life skills for teenagers" books that cover the need to wash your clothes, pay car tax and go to the dentist, and sign him up to something like FlyLady or the Organised Mum. Then it is up to him to show that he is genuinely making an effort (even if not 100% perfect instantly).

Sorry OP but this one has cocklodger tattooed on his forehead. It could not be clearer. I'd be trying to get him out as soon as you can. Whatever you do, don't breed with him.