Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

He can't work or do chores or life admin and he's got severe health issues and just recovered from another against the odds, but he's up for amazing sex?

Sure, Jan. 😂

I don't need to be financially supported by a man, I have a good career of my own.

Thats not in question here

its whether he is a cuckoo who needs spoon feeding every day

@JoanCollinsDiva They've all chucked him back, Joan

Three, all 10+ years marriages / relationships, and he's early 60s. I don't think this is something incredibly unusual?

There's no problem with this man's knowledge or skills where domestic tasks are concerned, because they are ridiculously easy to understand and perform. Men just pretend they're difficult in order to flatter women as 'much better at it' so women keep doing it for them. The problem here lies solely in his attitude. His previous relationships have reinforced his sexist view that its women's work and beneath him and he won't let go of that in a rush. Why would he when he can look fake confused and you rush in to 'teach him'? You need to either accept you're living with a man who sees women as domestic servants or tell him you're leaving if he doesn't change. Then if he doesn't- leave.

Jesus Christ, he’s a grown man. Why does the OP need to write him a list? Does he have no arms?

He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done

Stop making excuses for him, you sound like a fool.

You sound a kind person OP, but do give some good honest thought to a long relationship with this person. Dodgy health, not a good previous relationship pattern, hasn’t got a clue about sharing tasks, doing things etc……. You might be able to share a few things in terms of helping him learn how to get along better in a relationship, if he’s willing to communicate and co operate, but think about him getting older, you getting older, and then everything falling on you. The best, truest, longest, nicest relationships are shared ones for as long as possible, not one sided and almost resented right at the start. He will obviously have past form, so do for your own sake, be wary.

So you support him financially and do all the housework. What's the point of him?

You're a nurse with a purse I'm afraid!

How can you find it sexy to be with a man who has no clue how to look after himself or others?

It amazes me on here sometimes how low some women’s bars are. How can you be in love with such a lazy selfish slob, who treats you like a slave? How can this not make your vagina immediately clamp shut? He has zero respect for you, he sits around doing fuck all and is happy to watch you slaving away. Seriously OP, are you that desperate for a man in your life? Chuck him back.

Does he wipe his own arse?

You’ve only been together 4 years and you e agreed to bankroll and wait hand and foot on him for 1-3 more years - give your head a wobble OP.

And 3 previous marriages - seriously the red flags are clear if you take off the rose tinted specs - he’s a lazy cocklodger who wants a nurse with a purse in his dotage.

No matter how great his company is, this inequality will lead to you resenting him. If you want the relationship to work you need to stop doing things for him until he does them himself.

If he doesn't have a dentist check up or a hair cut, his problem. Stop washing his clothes, just do your own. Tell him which nights he is responsible for making dinner and stick to it, even if it's beans on toast.

Goodness, I'd missed this bit!

OP: I do have one possible small insight here. My autistic son has moved out (finally!) and, against all the odds, is managing to keep his own flat relatively tidy and sanitary, do his own shopping, get to work and even, very occasionally, book a haircut.

I mentioned to him how pleased and surprised I was, given the total chaos that always followed him at home. He said the difference was that he only had stuff in his flat that he recognised and needed, and that no one else would want to put somewhere different, use differently, do tomorrow or whatever.

In other words, when solely responsible for solely his stuff, he could kind-of cope (with lists, and apps, and whatever).

I think your chap needs to do the same?

Hating is probably a very strong word but yes, I started to get annoyed a little bit here and there. This is why I want to nip it in the bud now before it develops into something more corrosive.

Everyone is in accord on this thread, OP. I'm sorry but you're being taken for a fool.

Is his name Harry?

Oh lord.Hes 60 and doesnt know how to put dirty socks in the basket or cook or hoover?
I am Asian and come from a long tradition of useless men, but even the men in my house aren't as useless as this.

Three, all 10+ years marriages / relationships, and he's early 60s. I don't think this is something incredibly unusual?

You don't think it's unusual he's had long term relationships with 3 women and they've binned him and he's now onto his 4th? That's a lot in my opinion, most people I know haven't had more than 2 marriages or significantly long term relationships, but maybe that's just me.

But what's the betting his inability to look after himself was the predominant reason none of those relationships succeeded?

Was this a surprise when you moved in together?

He can download the TOMM app for the housework, it even has tick boxes for him to tap when he's done the job. You'll have to show him how to scrub the toilet and wipe the kitchen counter the first time but after that he should manage.

Huge issue. I wouldn't have moved in with him.

If there are no kids surely he has to make his own doctor’s appointments?! I think you’re a mug if you pick up his socks, do insurance for his car etc - anything that’s not yours. Are you doing his laundry? If so stop.

Partner? This ain’t no partnership. He’s treating you like a free maid. Well I say free, sounds like you’re actually paying him as you’re the only earner