Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

I am not annoyed yet

Well, 99% of posters in this thread sound like they would be. I would imagine you will be pretty soon as well.

but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

OP, you are minimising and understandably defensive when the overwhelming majority of people cannot seem to recognise how he is a treasure.

I am quoting from your OP above. Sounds like you are annoyed already.

"The issue here is that the things that started to grate on me are not the ones easily outsourceable, i.e. have to be done by someone living in the house. The "mental load"."

Based on the information you have provided, there is practically no chance he is going to pick up the mental load type tasks. So you can try talking to him, but realistically you probably either need to simply accept that you will carry this mental load as part of the deal, or face the very real prospect that this relationship will degrade into resentment and constant low level irritation.

He is never going to change

In ten years you'll stiill be doing all of this and working full time and you might be his carer too.

Get out now.

Really? Fully grown adults can live for free with you and not even contribute to the bills they increase or the food they eat? Wow. So you give your money to look after this lazy manchild rather than spend it on or save it for your children. As a single parent I assumed your children would be your priority.

OP he doesn't work,.and isn't useful at home.

How is the relationship positive for you?

I would through him back!

Sorry to be crude but if it's his company and his dick that you like, why does he have to live full time at yours?! Can't he just be a fun guest from time to time, rather than a full blown parasite?

Probably because if he doesn't live with this woman, he'll find another woman to take care of him.

He does not have his own place. He was sofa surfing with a friend and according to OP relying on the friends' wife to pick up the domestic tasks.

And OP really really wants this to work.

OMG he’s Bill Nighy in Love Actually!

For reasons that the OP has never explained, her cocklodger used to be 'exceptionally financially successful', but now doesn't even own a tiny studio flat or have the wherewithal to buy (or even rent) one.

I thought it was Katie Price

Sounds about right ❤️

This posthas got to be a wind up?! 😂

18 years older, contributes zero,no chores, no money, just sex is good.

Surely this post has been written by a male?!

Hello

People make assumptions here because if your relation were that good you would talk it out and resolve with him. He would pun in effort.

Instead your story sounds much like one that is in denyal about getting enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship. A relationship that is not horizontal, between equally responsuble adults, but vertical, like mother-child, where he is the child.

From your description he might have a personality disorder like NPD with a knack for communal boasting. No change in sight for those.
Or he might just be a immature man that needs therapy.

One issue remains: why can't you openly communicate with him and enforce your boundaries?

Best regards.

I can’t read 33 pages of comments, but I’d bet I’m not alone in suggesting getting a cleaner?

Return the hobo to the pound.

OP has one already. Now she is going to increase her hours. I have also suggested she hire a PA.

She’s already said that’s the next step which she will pay for while he continues to sit round the house freeloading and not lifting a finger

This is true IP, to be honest he's a grown man and picking up after himself and making his own tea is well within his capabilities. He just can't be arsed.

@glensof how is it going?

OP, can you Google a list of all the weekly and daily tasks that need doing to keep a house clean and running smoothly.

Then maybe pick one or two you'll do, and give the rest to him as a checklist. Give him autonomy on where/how to do them, but be firm that he's in charge of all this and needs to manage it like a job.

He'll have to learn to run a house the way all adults learn!

OP have you given notice to him yet? I do hope so.

No executive functioning? No ability to recognise how to change his behaviour? Or implement process?
is he also bad with money and budgeting?
Unable to see short mid and long term impacts of his decisions?
that would be severe undiagnosed ADHD

Has he not had gaps between partners where he has lived on his own?
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