Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

He probably won't ever recover, realistically, due to a complex set of circumstances that are mostly not his fault at all.

colour me utterly unshocked that of course it’s not his fault

he does fuck all to contribute financially or domestically - what is the point of him? Is his cock made of gold or something

Seriously raise your standards and throw him back. You are worth so much more!!!

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It's certainly a relationship that is brilliant in all respects for him, isn't it? He gets to have yet another servant, somebody to give him sex AND she pays him for the privilege.

God, I wouldn't write a list. Surely you want him to be taking joint responsibility not doing a list of chores for you?

He must have some experience living on his own? How did he manage then?

Sorry, too many questions so will answer in one post.

He's not earning now, but I am comfortable financially to cover that side, so it is not really a problem. He had a successful business, not a career. Now he can't return to it due to a combination of reasons, mostly health related. It's downtime now when he is deciding what to do next, and I am quite happy for him to take time off and regroup.

You've got yourself a cocklodger

Mostly not his fault @Theeyeballsinthesky very important distinction. Mostly

But this one aspect is huge. He is bringing no income into your relationship but is doing none of the jobs that someone who is at home all day would be expected to do.

If he had a successful career at one point, he obviously isn't stupid. This sounds like strategic incompetence. How on earth would he not know that meals need to be cooked, floors need to be hoovered, bathrooms need to be cleaned and bills need to be paid?

I would move out for three months, and let him live on his own. Don't do a single domestic thing for him.

At the end of that time, both of you decide whether you want to live together again.

I would make that 6 minutes not 6 weeks.

He can pull his finger out if he wants to.

So he’s not working and also not doing any housework???

WTF OP!

What does he do for a job?
He needs a cleaner for starters!

He needs to learn how to do it then.
May I suggest at the weekend you both sit down and devising a twelve step program at the end of which he will have weaned himself off being waited on hand and foot and emerge a fully fledged partner.
Like you say, he’s not going to earning the big bucks again so can’t outsource his share of the load. If he wants to live with you he needs to fully embrace the concept of equality.

I'm afraid at this stage of life it's unlikely to change as he's been enabled by women for decades.

You have to decide whether he's worth it. I can't imagine he is. If I was you, I wouldn't want to be the woman who enables him for the rest of your life.

This poster put it better.

Presumably he is very good company because otherwise it's pretty hard to understand what you see in him. I still think that it's a huge mistake to support someone both financially and domestically.

His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night

He can fuck off. He's an adult, he can use his eyes and see what needs to be done, or he can fuck off. Kick him out and tell him to come back when he's learned.

I have zero patience for lazy baby men who disguise their misogyny with "not knowing what to do".

“All his partners/wives” sounds more like Henry VIII. 🤭I’d be throwing him back if it was me. You could ask his former loves how he did, and see why you are another on a list?

This is a good idea. Where was he living before you moved in together six months ago? Presumably you were in a relationship before then.

If he can’t look after himself and his own basic needs then it sounds like it would do both him and the relationship good for him to live on his own and learn how to do so.

We were engaged in some charitable activities together for a few years. Were friends before started to date, so knew each other quite well.
I was obviously aware that he lived an ultra light lifestyle (in terms of posessions, responsibilities etc), but probably did not quite appreciate the extent, no.

He is a cocklodger both financially and practically. Bin.

Man can run a business that supports multiple people but not figure out how to pick shit up or go do a food shop? Are the health reasons he can't work that his brain fell out his head?

It sounds like he needs a few years of living independently and sorting his own life out while you date and enjoy the fun stuff in a relationship. Surely, unless he came straight from another woman’s bed to yours he must have paid his own bills and cooked or purchased his own food and picked up his own socks for some period of time. He needs more of that, not you being his mummy.

We do have a cleaner. It is more smaller daily tasks that are an issue.

So you’re happy with a cocklodger who thinks you’re his servant? Doesn’t sound like an ‘amazing’ relationship at all it sounds like a teenager living with his mum.

Did he move in before or after his stopped working?

What do you actually benefit from this set up?

Got you OP.
Can he not use his wealth to make some of these problems go away for you both?

If the moneys all gone, although not something you should have to do, perhaps setting clear responsibilities together in the house is in order.

Although it may not be what he's used to, looking after a fully grown adult isn't what your used to - you will both have to do your fair share and if he is unwilling to do so you know what to do...