Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

He gets over the shame by not feeling it - because he thinks it’s women’s work to do all the mundane things.

To put this another way OP, stop interfering. Stop trying to control him.

Let the man be the man and make his own decision about whether he's interested enough in this relationship to put in the necessary effort to make it work.

If he CBA he's letting you know that he's not that into you. Listen to him. Respect his choice.

This is a 60 year old man who doesn’t work, lives tent feee on his partners house while she’s working to bankroll his lifestyle and he can’t be arsed to pick his dirty socks off the floor or ronde a mug - and she’s his 4th long term cohabitation partner. I’m not sure the word shame is in his dictionary

I am reading and there were a couple of very useful suggestions. "Unfuck your habitat" a PP suggested looks like a very useful approach - similar to the pomodoro approach, but with detailed checklists.
I did not expect such a pile up, so I avoided participating since. I am not new to mn, it was a name change so I did expect some criticism, but I did not expect such outright hostility and people making up shocking stories in their head - and then attacking me based on that. I can't really believe someone suggested domestic abuse counselling or invoicing a person you love for household chores, so can't really engage with these contributions in good faith. I don't have self esteem issues, I don't have a history of abuse in previous relationships, my own children are well provisioned for and I find a suggestion that as a single parent in my early 40s I need to put all my free money into their inheritance rather than paying for a cleaner for myself to make my life a bit more comfortable quite funny - are there people who seriously prioritise like this?

Not a rock star but yes, this is very close to the reality of the situation.

Ok, just increase your cleaner hours. Seems like the best option for you as you want to keep living with him.

So OP, you are what, 20 years younger than him? The “nurse with a purse” risk is high.

You are going to have to be very blunt and put a deadline in your head. Tell him he has to not make your life worse. From your perspective, you are keeping a “house husband” and yet coming home from work and having to not just do the normal cleaning that would be needed if you lived alone, but clean and tidy up after him. That he has the time and ability to sort out his own appointments and clean up after himself. That while you don’t expect him to run round after you, it would be nice if you at least only had the workload of being single.

Then leave it to him for say a month. If he starts trying to sort stuff, great. If not, you have to decide if the sex and great chat are worth lowering your lifestyle for. (Particularly from an older man who is only going to need more not less help over the next 20 years.)

he could learn. the big question is does he love you enough to make the effort. Only time will tell.

Does he pay anything? Groceries? Utilities?

You are only in your 40s! Okay scratch my earlier post. You do need to leave, or at the very least live separately, but I appreciate you’re not yet ready to consider either of those options.

This will fall on deaf ears but knowing your age I can’t help but say it. You have so much life ahead of you and you’re going to waste it caring for someone who, realistically, is going to need a lot more looking after within just a few short years. If you’re already finding it challenging imagine what it will be like then.

I see you do have children. Do they still need looking after too or are they adults?

Do you have aging parents who you’ll soon need to support with their day to day needs too? I’m almost afraid to ask this, but what about your partner’s parents? Do they need care, and will he expect you to help with that?

Lol....I'm imagining an aging hippy type artist who sits all day playing with something

Even if he contributed hugely I would advise any woman in her 40s to get out of a relatively new relationship with an already unwell man in his 60s. I know it sounds callous but he’s not your husband. He hasn’t earned your care. You have one life. Don’t spend it in service to someone who doesn’t even respect you enough to pick up his socks.

No, but those are really not material in my budget. Never even occurred to me to charge people living / staying with me for these.

It's really astonishing to me that women I know from the Asian community who had arranged marriages and are expected to be homemakers have more agency than you. At least their husbands bring in a wage and don't have multiple children and ex-wives. My mum was in this situation and still had a more equal relatonship!

He's conned you into the worst of all possible worlds. Every single poster has said this. But of course we are all wrong and not engaging in good faith.

So I am painting a picture. You are a wealthy, intelligent woman in her forties who has children - assume still at home. Lovely, comfortable lifestyle. You have a good career.

he is a charming but ineffective man. Had a career as actor or writer, it fizzled out and a few bad choices along the way mean he is off modest means with a string of failed relationships. Now in his sixties needs taken care of.

you are his savior - he lives with you rent free. Bumbles around the house making a mess all day waiting like a helpless puppy for you to come home, clean him up, cook his dinner and enjoy his warm company.

you are sort of happy with this - but your patience is wearing thin that a sixty year old seems unable to muster the effort to do even a simple task.

If your children live with you, is this the sort of adult you would want them to become? Is this the sort of relationship you would want them to have?

imagine this man in 15 years. When you want to start enjoying retirement, traveling. And he is shuffling around the house waiting for you to make him a cup of tea because he can’t really work the kettle. And sure that’s women’s work anyway.

I don't really need another wage in the house, and I have multiple children and ex-husbands myself. Maybe it actually was me who conned him and is using him for personal gratification in exchange for food and shelter, evil evil me. Or maybe it is a loving relationship where people don't keep tabs and running totals on each other. Who knows!

If you had such a loving relationship you would not post.
Expecting your partner to either bring in a wage or keep the house somewhat clean- ideally both-is not keeping a tab. It's a basic for all relationships.

But he's not a visitor, he's a fellow adult living there. Why on earth wouldn't it occur to you that he'd pay his share of food, utility bills, like adults do?
Except of course that he doesn't behave like an equal adult, he behaves like a primary aged child.

I get not coming from a worry about equitable finances. If I had the money I wouldn’t (necessarily) ask my live in lover to pay for anything. And in your eyes this man is quite a catch. Former creative/activist/artist/writer who has a glamorous past producing whatever snd now condescends to retire to your humble abode and grace you with his company in the evening. How ungenerous you would be to complain about the cost of his sherry and cigars, or his socks strewn over the floor.

But we are also right to caution you. Because he is displaying a lot of poor behavior. My dh is 65 and handles all his own admin and laundry (mine too, come to think about it). His age is not the isdue. He is comfortable exploiting you or, indeed, any woman.

But you chose to post on here! All posters have done is react with genuine shock at your situation.

Sounds like hes conciously incompetent. He knows what he needs to do but cant be arsed to do it. If he leaves it long enough, youll eventually give up asking/reminding him. No one wants to have sex with someone you have to mother. Cocklodger man child. I couldnt put up with that tbh

Your story OP is so sad. I wanted to ask if you were more than 2 years younger than your partner but you are actually much younger than him. So he found himself a carer that also pays all the bills, provides food and shelter and also is his PA.

I don’t understand why you started this thread if you feel happy with the cocklodger, but your first post suggests that there is some resentment already building in.

My suggestion is give him a month’s notice to move out and continue dating. If he loves you he will be happy to get rid of the parasitic behaviour that he’s bringing into the relationship. It’s a kind thing to do as well - you are in love now but these strong emotions will not last forever and you will inevitably grow even more resentful. In 10 year’s time if he has health problems he will be an old man without much financial security and quite frankly a very unattractive partner to anyone with a bit of common sense. I think it’s better for him to grow up now than delaying this.

There's some truth in the picture. I am not wealthy, just earning a reasonable salary so that groceries or electricity are not a major expense. His background is indeed in public / creative area, and he never had a shortage of women willing to share the lifestyle - it is probably fair to say that in exchange for completely running his domestic affairs. I know two out of three his significant exes (due to the health situation, it was touch and go at some point, and they share children / stepchildren so everyone kept in touch). They are all quite friendly and harbour no ill feelings - neither had to work a day outside of the house since the beginning of the relationship (even after it ended), they and all children were very well provided for. I don't know why most posters assumed that he was an abuser to his exes and forced them to be barefoot kitchen slaves.

I am not annoyed yet, but it started making me uncomfortable, so I thought to ask for some collective wisdom. I admire one of PP's husbands who is an executive at an footsie100 firm and runs the house alongside it, but I am not at that level of perfection - I am quite lazy myself and outsource as much housework as I can even without any men living with me.

My children are (trying) to be independent.

But it was you who was keeping tabs on him sufficiently to notice he does nothing in the house and post about it here. The only reason any of us know about that is because YOU told us!

And what “gratification” are you getting from him? Literally only sex and conversation, both of which he is getting from you too, in addition to having you run his life for him.

So no. You did not con him. He is not the one being conned.

There has never been a more loving man than the one who is jobless and homeless. Shut the money tap and watch what happens to his unrequitted love. I challenge you to do the experiment.

Do you actually think you would be happier living separately but still in a relationship? Or do you prefer to live with him even with the extra work it brings?

If the former you could start seeding this idea now and see what kind of reaction it gets.

If the latter then you don’t have a problem really do you? Doesn’t matter what a bunch of anons on mumsnet think