Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

He doesn't pay anything? Is your philosophy that the house is yours so you'd be paying the bills etc anyway? We have a situation like this in that my husband moved into my house so i was used to paying everything, except he pays his way.
Your bloke doesn't pay for food, doesn't pay any bills, doesn't do anything?

i wouldn’t say the age difference is outrageous, it is what it is, but it clearly puts you in a disadvantaged position. This was the exact age difference between my PIL. MIL met FIL when he was in his prime, a very successful career, living independently and amicably divorced. They’ve been together for a long time, raised children together and contributed equally to the household.

The age gap was still very obvious as FIL grew older and my MIL had become resentful and unhappy, it was obvious she deeply regretted her decision, although my FIL worked part-time till his death, was in relatively good health, cooked, paid for a cleaner, and managed a lion share of their life admin. Still, he was an old man with all the minor health issues of old men and very obviously at a completely different life stage than hers. She never had to become his carer and still the age gap put her at a disadvantage.

Your situation is very different and you have already started at a much more unequal/disadvantaged position.

Another poster used the word 'groupie', and the OP's updates brought the exact same word to my mind too. So now we know that the cocklodger amazingly awesome partner is in a creative field, perhaps quite famous even, or at least well known or renowned in his particular field. Seems as though for his entire adult life, women have been cooing 'Oh, isn't Johnny so wonderfully special and talented and unique? Of course he can't be expected to lower himself to caring about things like dirty cups and buying loo roll, lke ordinary people have to do. We'll take care of that for him! We're not worthy!' I can imagine that he's very charismatic and charming, and that some women easily fall under his spell, as the OP has done. Problem is though, after a few years the spell wears off, hence his pattern of cohabiting relationships for the last four decades that last roughly 10 years.

There are actually many suggestions on this thread. And I suspect that however much OP loves him now and doesn’t want to leave him right now, that over time any love, passion and respect that she currently has for him will be eroded if this is not sorted out and she will be making him leave her home.

And in all honesty if she doesn’t have the conversation with him and he doesn’t reflect and step up to the plate then that will be soon. There is no passion and respect from (or due to) a man who thinks a woman should pick up his dirty socks from wherever he chooses to take them off and leave them.

It seems reasonable to act now before this becomes a huge issue.

He is getting older and isn’t in good health. But he is capable of running his own affairs and lifting his boxers off the floor.

Explain you can see this becoming an issue in your relationship. You don’t expect a domestic goddess but him living there can’t add to your workload. If he respects you he will make an effort.

If he is just using you for an easy life, he will move on to another adoring fan who will be prepared to put up with him. But it’s best to know now if he doesn’t live you.

You can only fix this if he wants to fix it.

Hes already hood-winked 3 other women. He’s about to nick 10 years of OPs life.

Maybe ask his ex’s why they split up?

id get annoyed and that resentment would bleed into everything. Then the arguments start….

You are early 40’s now. At some point you are going to hit perimenopause and then menopause which come with their own challenges. Every woman I speak to my age - mid 50s - just cannot tolerate this bullshit. Because it is.
The fact is in the past there was an exchange of something with this man - he provided the money, the wives did literally everything else. And I’m sure there was some status attached if he was well known.
Now you have the latest version. He expects all of the same, but it is you providing literally everything.
I looked after my dad when my died. My mum did virtually everything for him and had done for 50 years. He only really understood that once she had left but within weeks he was washing every dish, cooking, doing all of his own shopping and washing. He worked out how to do his admin, too. He did have a cleaner once a week who did some ironing and I helped, but he started to enjoy himself. He also had stage 4 cancer at the time. He also said he didn’t want me doing everything and didn’t want be a burden.
You may feel loved by this man in that he’s not cheating on you, or being mean or cruel. He’s clearly good company and probably has a lot of charisma.
But he is entirely self-absorbed and has no need or reason to change.
He is not a house guest.
He contributes nothing in terms of finances and leaves everything else to you.
If you were made redundant, or became significantly ill and could not afford the bills - what we he do to step up for you?

Suppose you lived separately, though? He could still stay at your place sometimes, and you at his (once he has found somewhere), but your situation would be a lot more equal. You could come home from work to a tidy house, and he could deal with his own life admin like a proper grown up man. Plus, this little seed of resentment you feel now will not grow into the sort of monstrous anger that will take over eventually. At the moment, you are relatively young and energetic with good earning power. In ten years' time, you will have a bit less energy and a lot less patience, and you will grow to hate the sight of his socks on the floor, or the sight of him sitting in an armchair, wondering what's for dinner EVERY DAY. He, too, will be older and less healthy, and you may slide into being his carer, on top of everything else. It's not a good idea to sleepwalk into that situation.

Omg stop with " aw he's just a poor hopeless man who can't be expected to behave in a halfway reasonable way so must be understood and accommodated". It's so unhelpful. If he genuinely lacks the empathy or intelligence to see that his behaviour is completely wrong, despite being told by the OP, then he either has a severe neurodivergence or personality disorder (at odds with the description of how he manages other areas if his life) or he is not a 'kind person with a good heart'. Honestly we need to stop enabling this sort of behaviour, and modelling it to our children.

Personally, I don't think that a man who sits around on his arse all day, knowing that his partner is working long hours in a stressful job, then still sits around on his arse after she gets home watching her run around after him all evening, is a good person with a good heart, or a kind person, or a supportive person, or a loving person, or a respectful person, or an empathetic person.

They'll have all kicked him out or left him because of exactly the same behaviour.

I bet he is charming. I am not being sarcastic.

DH is also very charming on holiday away from the pressure of work and housework. And would possibly be even more charming if I did all his personal admin for him. I would be a lot less charming though.

Looking forward to us both being charming in retirement!

Yeah I would be delightful and great in bed if I never had to lift a finger for myself..

What is his love language. What are the things he does for you to make you happy. He doesn't take on the mental load, fine. But what is the effort that he puts in that makes you feel good?

An I don't mean I want to hear "oh the sex is great" or "he is funny". What are the things that he doesn't get anything out of apart from knowing that they make you happy?

If he was able to run a successful business for a few decades (even in the creative sphere), then clearly he has the mental abilities to be able to plan and execute a task.

He simply chooses not to apply that to domestic labour which he considers beneath him.

Even if he was lacking in experience in domestic tasks, he could have taken control and learnt how to do it. Watch some YouTube videos on cleaning routines (there is a whole section on Mumsnet dedicated to this so clearly lots of women have to learn how to do it and they put the effort in to do so).

He could follow Delia's how to cook basic book, or watch more YouTube videos or go on a basic cookery course - there may even be free ones run for older people by the council or local charities.

He has totally normal mental abilities so he does understand that cleaning fairies don't exist. He simply doesn't care enough about you to bother making an effort.

Apologies to be so blunt but that is it. If he cared, he would be posting on the Mumsnet housekeeping section himself asking for advice on whether TOMM or Flylady cleaning routines are best. But is he doing that? No. Instead you are here, trying to change your rightful emotion response of annoyance so as not to upset him.

@glensof

His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

You need to reframe this to see who he is.

His level of effort in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

His level of respect for me when it comes to domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

His level of belief that men and women are equals is non existent

His level of desire to enrich my life and make it more enjoyable rather than harder is non existent

That's the reality.

One thing I can think of is that is that if he's spent his life performing then he's effectively been able to get without domestic work because he's lived on tour buses or in hotels and all his mental load has been covered by his tour manager etc.

Not an excuse but could be his experience for most of his life, but he obviously should have realised this is no longer the case.

What does he do all day except make a mess?

Omg I'm 60 and can't imagine having a 78 year old man to care for, fine when I'm in my 70s and want to take things easy but I wouldn't want those restrictions now but I guess you're his carer now changing and bathing him while your friends are holidaying and having fun in 10 years will be fun. He's already got health issues that stop him working or getting off of his arse which is the route to decline physically and mentally was it a surrogate child that you were looking for or a father figure? He's certainly not the fit able 60 something most of us our.

So your children are trying to be independent and you’ve ended up adopting a 60 year old teenager.

18 years at this life stage is a hugely significant age gap. The other wives have had his best years, you’re a nurse with a purse wasting your 40’s on an entitled cocklodger.

@glensof - are you a bit worried if you put your foot down that he has to start cleaning up after himself and looking after his own appointments/health, that he’ll decide you aren’t actually the woman for him and will start looking for a woman who is able to financially support him as well as prepared to run round after him - like he thought it was getting with you?

From what you’ve said he’s happily jumped from woman to woman, with a pit stop where he got his friends wife to run round after him, he’s been very good at seeking out women who will give him the lifestyle he wants.

Does he love you enough to change and be the man you want, or will he push you to accept caring for him, or will he move to the next woman if you won’t?

OP, I also kind of get that you don’t feel used/taken advantage of despite fully funding him. Both me and DH live our lives in “projects” - we tend to have new fun activities that we are both willing to invest into, in terms of time, energy and money.

So obviously this colours my perception of your situation but I see your DP as a relatively new project that you are keen to work on and invest your time and resources. Understandable. From my experience, such projects grow old eventually though, and they tend to grow old much faster if the return on investment is low or isn’t there at all. What keeps me personally motivated to keep putting resources in a “project” is getting increasingly valuable returns - learning new skills, growing as a person, meeting new people, seeing the results of my work getting more and more refined.

At this stage of your relationship you put in a lot and you are still getting out enough. But is it enough to get the project going? At the moment you feel valued funding him but if nothing changes I bet you would rather invest in something that brings you more joy than resentment.

You are much too young to think about your children’s inheritance. But what about your pension? I am probably a bit older than you (late Gen X) and in a different country but already acutely aware that my pension is going to be crap compared to my current income and I invest money to mitigate that. Would I invest in a PA for a grown up, unemployed partner who is not suffering from dementia and perfectly capable of managing life tasks? Over my dead body.

A few PP have raised the point, and I'm wondering about it now - what would happen if the OP was ill? Plenty of people come down with flu in winter, and what would happen if it knocked the OP off her feet for a couple of weeks? Would her P step up then and do some of the housework? Or would he just let the dirty clothes and dishes pile up, run down all the food without replacing it, etc, so that when the OP recovers she's left with all the backlog as well as having to go back to work full time and still carry on making his dinner every evening?

@glensof previous posters have raised excellent points namely:

1. He needs his own PA (but make sure they’re not a sexual threat to you otherwise spending a lot of private time with someone may cause you probs given his stature in w’ever field or discourse he was previously a mini god in).
   Presumably he will have been used to having someone organise his affairs & will be very skilled in delegation.

2. He needs his own cleaner (as per above)

3. Funded by himself. Except that’s the crux of all of this isn’t it? he’s skint & can’t afford to.

4. This mighty man has been fallen by bad luck, critical illness (any substance misuse history - just curious) & bad business decisions.

5. And lost all of the squillions he used to have. Why? Poor investments? Poor money skills? Why no one managing his financial affairs & no pensions, property portfolio, investments? Any history of Substance misuse? Rockstar lifestyle? Gambling???
   Do you actual know if he’s hiding any of that from you??

6. And all of the exes have rallied to save him & helped groom the OP into taking him off their hands.

7. OP you defend him not contributing anything to the running costs of the house etc saying that as you are solvent enough yourself you don’t “need” the money & it wld therefore never cross your mind to ever ask him to.

8. But surely it’s basic human manners/courtesy/respect for him to at least offer to? Why are you ok with a completely one sided relationship?

9. I suspect you know he can’t afford to - that what finances he does have are minimal & you realise if he did have to contribute he’d be left with v little & therefore more likely to look for someone else.

10. And the pity for & outrage at how this mighty man has fallen & his good looks & charm & ability to give you good sex (atm) are clouding your judgement.

11. You say you’re not wealthy but high earning. Can you afford possible carers for him, will be able to adapt your home for him & can afford the PA, extra cleaner & your own on top?

12. 18 yrs is a big age gap esp in his time of life. Let’s just hope that once your menopause kicks in the scales will fall from your eyes & you’ll start tolerating less of this BS.

13. But you’ll be too saddled with responsibility for him by then I fear.

Good luck

It amazes how women will say “the relationship is brilliant in almost every aspect except….”

And then describe a shitshow of a relationship.

When you say it’s brilliant and you love him do you actually “I don’t want to be single and he is a man who wants to be in a relationship”.

To do all the domestic and emotional labour is one thing. To do all of that while also being the primary earner is quite something else.

It would he a HARD “nope” from me.