Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

You can’t fix a man. If he wanted to, he would and he clearly does not want to.

So you need to accept it as it is or leave.

Would you see the disrespect if it was a housemate expecting you to do all the hosework and pick up their underwear?

‘My suggestion is give him a month’s notice to move out and continue dating.’

This.

There are plenty of disabled, sick and elderly people they still do things to help even if it takes them all day ....this man is not just disrespectful to the op but to every person who is elderly and sick or disabled. Unless he's absolutely bedridden (the sex suggests not) he can do stuff the op really seems to like being skivvy or has no self worth....frightened maybe that she will be replaced

You've got some really useful info available to you, ie that the average length of a relationship with this man is ten years.

Think about where you want to be in ten years when it falls apart and plan accordingly. That's if you are going to insist on seeing this whole scenario out.

It is 10 years if this prize specimen is supporting the women and their families. I suspect it will be shorter if the prize specimen does not bring anything to the table other than good chat/sex and faded glories.

PS he will have erectile dysfunction to look forward to.

So many obnoxious replies here!! My dear MIL married a man 20+ years older after her first husband died young. She was in 40s and he was 60s. He was the loveliest man ever who would cook and sing for her and just generally adored her. She felt like she'd won a prize having two wonderful husbands, and didn't resent at all that he needed some extra help once in his 90s. I do recall her one complaint: He left his socks lying around.
I just don't actually believe all these posters have perfect partnerships where everyone contributes equally and is thoughtful and caring about lightening the other's load. Where are these magical men with no minuses?

I expect your MIL's husband contributed something apart from shits and giggles, though...

...and, as time goes by, it's more shits...

@NutsForMutts - there’s minuses in all relationships, but this man has a lot! He’s always been lazy and expected to be looked after, not just housework but “mothered” with admin like doctors etc sorted for him, in exchange his pluses involved being entertaining, charming and importantly, rich enough that while looking after him was a full time job, he could give a lot of money to a wife/partner for living that role.

now all he’s bringing is the charm and entertainment value. His level of admin /parenting he needs is higher than before as his health isn’t great. He has many minuses. They are beginning to grate on the OP, if he doesn’t fix this, the minuses will outweigh the slight plus of “entertainment”.

or he will just move on to the next woman.

Don’t know why people have these types of relationships
“I have to get home and get dinner ready” etc

or
“I have to make his lunch for work”

dark ages stuff

wouldn’t put up with it

Really? You don't think he should contribute to food and utilities?

You're your own worst enemy Op.

Ageing, impoverished artist mooches in on youthful, independent career focused woman, worms his way into her home, fills his time with their mutual charitable interest, all at the expense of her home, her bills and her paycheque.

He is not sufficiently solvent to devote all his time to captain save the day charity causes.

OP wake up, no doubt this guy is a great flirt, he has spent his lifetime mooching around some arty scene, cosying up to useful people. I can sense the EGO from here, typical of artists and typical of charity leaders.

Would you hook up and sponge off someone 18 years your junior? Would you live the life that he is so presumptuous to live?

He has a full generation of extra life experience than you, he can use that life knowledge to manipulate you.

So what if he looked after his previous partners, he is not looking after you. He seems to have offloaded ALL life responsibilities on you. Why???

@glensof what do your dc think of this arrangement? It’s a shame you’re paying for this man with money that could be used for the benefit of your dc. If he’s paying for his exes and his own dc, you and your dc are subsidising all of them.And if he’s paying for his coterie of ‘dependants’ he can also pay you a contribution to his own day to day expenses. That would be fair wouldn’t it?

Op imagine your life in 10yrs. Your discomfort has turned to annoyance then to frustration then to downright anger. You're still paying for and doing everything, he's still pretending to think that life runs and pays for itself. Meanwhile you're getting older, possibly with health concerns and v likely with less energy.

He gets fed up of you 'nagging' him and thinks sod this and trades you in for a new younger woman who is just as enamoured with his fantastic charisma as you are now and thinks herself lucky to have him (despite him living in her house, doing and paying fuck all).

You'll be left wondering where the last 10ys went and how you could have been so blind.

Is that the future you want?

I just don't actually believe all these posters have perfect partnerships where everyone contributes equally and is thoughtful and caring about lightening the other's load. Where are these magical men with no minuses?

They're with women who wouldn't settle for less.

And did your MIL’s new husband sit at home all day refusing to pick up his dirty socks or rinse a mug while MIL was out at work paying for the mortgage, bills and shopping and still expected her to make his medical appointments and sort his insurance out (and probably pay for it as well)

This is such an excellent way of putting it. It it was a housemate people would immediately see the disrespect - so why do they become blind when it is an intimate partner?

The bar for women is in hell.

I don't think many people would mind looking after a beloved partner of 30 years once they are in their 90s and need extra help, especially if they had cooked and sung for us in their 60s.
The 'D'P is question isn't bringing cooking and singing to the relationship. One party is working full time, funding everything, doing all the jobs around the house, organising doctors appointments for an apparently fully functioning adult. The other is bringing nothing. A day of leisure and they are happy not lifting a finger until their knackered other half comes home to cook for them. Not even heating up something that the OP went out to buy.
I don't think people are being obnoxious, they're just trying to get the OP to open her eyes to the sponger she is living with because it's so sad to read that an apparently very capable, intelligent woman has set her bar so low.

Pretty sure no one here is claiming to be in 'perfect partnerships' with 'magical men with no minuses'. But there's an awful lot of ground between a (mythical) man who's perfect and magical and takes over 50% of the household burden and a man who is waited on hand and foot and does nothing, absolutely literally nothing, in the household. He doesn't contribute financially, not even towards the food he eats and the electricity/gas/heating he uses, and he doesn't even rinse his own sodding cups after drinking out of them or pick his own socks up off the floor.

People don't have to be in 'perfect partnerships' to see that this man is a sponging, piss-taking cocklodger.

Can you not see that "He was the loveliest man ever who would cook and sing for her and just generally adored her." makes your MIL situation entirely different?

Still incredulous about this situation - is it a wind up?

My final plea to you @glensof:

How would you feel if this were your daughter choosing to financially support, cook, clean & manage the life of an older man with no financial security, income or willingness to help her?

Truly beginning to think this must be a hoax thread!!

I think the other thing to remember here is that if he genuinely wants to learn, he can learn.

So be that by using ToMM method (or whatever it's called, I think it's this, basically 30 mins a day with a rota) or by using "A Slob Comes Clean" (worth a look) or whatever.

If I were him I would:

1. Every morning see if a load of washing needs putting on.

1. Set an alarm for 4pm or 2 hours before you get home or whatever.

1. At the time of the alarm do a 10 minute/15 minute high level clear down of the house. Then do 15 mins focused on one room. Possibly another 5 purely focused on the kitchen.

1. Put washing on airer/in tumble drier.

Given you have a cleaner, that would, broadly speaking, do it.

If he forgets, if he makes a checklist once and then sets an alarm that should do it, surely?

More accurate title:

"Living with a partner who believes that cooking, cleaning and life admin are women's work, that men are entitled to opt out of anything they don't want to do and expect a woman to do it for them because a man's time and energy is fundamentally worth more than a woman's."