Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

The part about this being a kind thing to do actually does resonate with me. Yes, there is some discomfort now and the very purpose of the thread was to make sure it doesn't fester into something more toxic with time.
I am not significantly younger than him to the point where it is outrageous, there's 18 years between us.

I would prefer to live with him, but without extra work 😁
Or find a way how extra work can be outsourced to the max. The issue here is that the things that started to grate on me are not the ones easily outsourceable, i.e. have to be done by someone living in the house. The "mental load".

18 years is a huge gap at this stage and it gets deeper the older he gets.

I get the attraction—you got him during a fire sale! He was between families (or rather groupies. ) Each of his harem had seen him through 10 years and been paid off so he could start again. But his health and one man band/business crumbled simultaneously and during the interregnum you stepped in and started doing the admin and now you have won the booby prize as he has moved in with you. Unlike the earlier wives and children you don’t benefit from his peak earning years. On the other hand he’s not so devil may care or able to leave you as easily as he left each of them in their turn.

So maybe this suits. I have known several elderly men who are still so fascinating and charismatic that they have no trouble pulling a younger woman for several years. It can even be twu wuv. But its folly from your end. You are very young! And he is not. You will definitely spend more years as his nurse than as his lover.

I am not significantly younger than him to the point where it is outrageous, there's 18 years between us.

He is 60 and already has 'touch and go' health issues. 18 years is not 'outrageous' but it is just the right age for you to be taking on increasing caring duties for him over the next 20-30 years.

You are already doing so by picking up his socks, doing the domestics and arranging his appointments. The only people I do that for are my elderly parents who were sliding into dementia. But you are doing it for a perfectly abled bodied 60 year old who is grooming you to take on that role indefinitely at the cost of your youth.

At least his wives and ex-es and dcs got the benefit of his largess. Unfortunately, what everyone on this thread can see is that you have been left with the dregs.

It is your choice of course.

I hope you get him to become more domesticated. I hope you can see the trade offs you are making and put your foot down now before it is too late for an old goat with health issues to change.

That way, you can enjoy more of an equal and mutually respectful partnership rather than a straight road into a one-way relationship of an unpaid carer.

You are young enough to be his kid.
OP seriously this is now so daft I'm wondering if it's fiction.
But I'm going to assume it isn't and ask you to think about why you have such a low bar for relationships and to really work on that.
This is very dysfunctional.

You’re 10 years younger than me and I wouldn’t consider a partner 10 years older with these habits. There’s nothing less attractive than an old man who behaves like a child. Surely this is not your only option? You’re still young.

If that's the only issue then just hire him a cleaning woman and a personal assistant, if money is not an issue for you nor his freeloading ways so why just not hire help? problem solved. You'll be soon hiring a nurse too, that's going to be another chore so add her to the staff.

If you "need to put all your free money into their inheritance rather than paying for a cleaner " why are you spending it on supporting this waster?

An 18 year age gap IS outrageous. It's a huge gap.

Come to think of it, his ex-wives and partners are probably glad he has you so they don't have to worry about caring for him once he starts to lose it.

There is an age difference of 18 years and this will become more apparent as time goes on. I speak as a daughter who witnessed this with my parents.

But come on it’s really not normal that he’s not financially contributing to your household. Nobody can live rent free and then you are saying he doesn’t clean and cook and clear up after himself. Really this isn’t normal.

I think the OP probably can bring about some basic changes where he does a bit more and maybe they muddle through. Probably unrealistic that he will become a house husband after years of privilege/entitlement. I don’t think that is the end of the world either but as mentioned earlier I tend to suck it up myself with my own basket case DH. In the OP’s defense I think it’s unfair to say she has to see if he loves her or respects her enough to change. I don’t think clueless or incapable men don’t love or respect enough, they can just lack the programming or don’t really understand the necessities of daily life and grow accustomed to others dealing with such things. I don’t think it’s a measure of love or respect. Not everyone has that insight or empathy to understand how it can make the other person feel because to them it’s a bit of a non issue in the first place. What probably matters more is if he is a kind person with a good heart.

Don't fall for this op. He's looking for a mother/housekeeper/cook and bottleceasher not a partner.
Move on. It will never change

@NutsForMutts What probably matters more is if he is a kind person with a good heart.

A kind person with a good heart doesn't let a partner working full time engage in plenty of free labour when she gets home after a long day and he's been playing with his thumbs.

Your English is fine OP, and you make yourself very clear. If this relationship is to continue he will have to step up. Its no good just outsourcing the jobs because his attitude to "women's work" won't change, and you will spend your mid or later years as a virtual servant to an old man who expects to be waited on. So you need to have a deep and serious conversation with him, and he needs to understand that he bears half the domestic responsibilities including the mental load and admin. He will need
to honestly commit to this and make a genuine effort to do it, and he will need to be successful. Tell him in all seriousness that you are not prepared to continue being a servant and take everything on and he needs to change his mindset.
Then, to "train" him you could make list of everything that needs doing and start on say a third of it the first week and build up over a month. If you are lucky he will accept the need, and make the effort, and take responsibility for some tasks. I hope he is clueless rather than selfish, but it has to change. If he doesn't step up, your choice is quite grim .. 🍀

Are you sure you don't have low self esteem?

Why did you gradually take over his life admin starting before he even moved in with you?

To me that is textbook low self esteem - thinking that his time, even though he has much more of it than you, is more important than yours

I am not significantly younger than him to the point where it is outrageous, there's 18 years between us

That is pretty outrageous.

So, at the moment, you're funding him and cooking/cleaning for him. Soon, you'll be caring for him. Is that really what you want your future to look like?

As pp said, the only answer seems to be to hire a PA for him and raise your cleaner hours. As you have rejected every other solution.

I am not sure why you are resistant to that idea.

Wow I am surprised at the 18 year age gap. That makes the set up you describe even more incomprehensible as in why oh why are you living with a man like this? and also it is even less likely he will ever change.

He casted a magic spell on you!

And yet his utter incompetence clearly started with his parents and how he was raised. A lesson to those with boys cos let's face it, it's rarely girls who end up as grown women living like this.

Baffled as to how you could not have noticed these traits before he moved in, and baffled how this doesn’t make him deeply unattractive to you.

Communication is key, you just need to sit him down and agree some expectations if it’s going to work. If he can’t change then go back to living separately.

People are making suggestions the OP has already rejected. She doesn't want to live separately.
Hire a PA or maybe a virtual assistant and increase cleaner to daily as you say you don't want to keep tabs.

Why did you bother posting OP because you're not listening to anyone