Not to like being called posh?

[Stillwearinggloves]

What point is a person trying to make by saying someone else is posh? This comment has been made to me or about me a few times recently by so-called friends. AIBU to think it’s rude and not to like being singled out in this way?

We used to have a big house when I was a kid and I regularly got called posh, it’s horrible because it’s usually said in a ‘you wouldn’t know’ kind of way, or else a ‘you think you’re better than us’, generally by people you’ve barely had a chance to talk to!!!! It got to the stage that when I was telling people where I lived I’d be really vague, and sometimes faked walking into other houses😅

No I just didn't think writing that "hobbies" are also used to socialise with the right set, was antagonistic in any way

I'm happy to move on and talk about something else other than hobbies .

I used to be called "poor' as a child. Rich kids used to sneer at me for being poor

I'd much rather have been called posh than poor.

It would have meant that I'd had a big house like you!

Instead we struggled for money. I grew up in a single parent family as my dad abandoned us.

Briannaco

sorry to hear that x we weren’t rich, just lived in the biggest house on the road. It’s not nice being called anything really, especially when people do it in class and all start talking about you like you aren’t there

The socially aspirant, sure, but that’s not restricted to any particular class, bar those who have literally nothing to aspire to in terms of social class. You may have socially aspirant people playing golf or bridge to be middle-class, or nouveaux riches oligarchs playing polo just as they would send their sons to Eton. They’re not going to be UC, but moving in (some of) those circles.

The only person with whom I had a vague acquaintance who played polo was an ultra-rich Thai-Chinese immigrant who had two polo farms in Berkshire, spent millions annually on importing ponies and their riders and touring them around the different polo seasons, and who also had dozens of racehorses, but had started off with a single shop. Definitely not UC, but mega-rich.

To be clear, I don’t do any activities that the people involved in this issue don’t do themselves! I’m not pretentious or affected and just live a pretty normal, everyday life. I don’t have ideas above my station either.

What does above one’s station even mean?
I wonder if fear of reverse snobbery and the posh label limits our ambitiousness and willingness to explore new things and experiences that might be considered above our ‘station’?

Sorry, what I really meant was that I don’t need to be brought down a peg or two.

@Briannaco
Of course it's more offensive to say to someone "you're ao working class" or "you're so poor" or "you're rough"

Then it is to call someone "posh".

Its nastier to insult someone who has very little than it is to insult someone who has a lot.

But calling someone "posh" is so often not based on what they have. As many on this thread have pointed out, accent seems to be a big factor. It's particularly unpleasant when it's othering the person who just wants to get on with everyone. Your theory only works if it's someone with privilege and resources being jeered at by those without, driven by unfairness at the situation. It doesn't stack up when the so-called "posh" person doesn't have these things - then it's just bullying the person who's different/in the minority.

As someone with a SE accent I am perceived as "posh" where I live now, and have been in other places. Fortunately here people seem to quietly assume I'm posh but still interact with me based on whether I'm a nice person.

Unfortunately when I was very young and very vulnerable I experienced the worst of being "othered" due to my accent (in a different area) - I needed help from mental health and homelessness services, but was perceived as privileged/wealthy (whilst living in extreme poverty), so couldn't possibly have any real problems and should just pay my way out (with money I didn't actually have). The most stark example of this was being told I should probably be in psych hospital for a bit, and my parents should pay for me to go to the Priory. A psych nurse actually said that!! (This was about 20 years ago).

That was an area particularly hostile to anyone not "local". When I moved areas I was scared to speak in public, I remember cringing as I had to ask some builders directions and being amazed they just told me in a polite and friendly way.

Anyway, the whole thing of it being ok to take the piss out of the "privileged" group only works when you are looking at large groups as a whole, where one clearly has more resources. It doesn't make sense if its brought down to the individual level when that individual has fewer resources than those alienating them.

When you say it’s particularly unpleasant when the person being othered just wants to get on with everyone, you are totally right and that’s where I ‘am’. I just want a group of friends to confide in and socialise with and I don’t think I have this anymore, unfortunately.

Aah this makes more sense now! You’re conflating posh with snobby.

Snobby is definitely an insult, posh isn’t though

Posh does not mean snobby. It mean you have money.
People can be snobby and have very little money.

I totally agree. I couldn’t work out why people were so insulted by being called posh, but I now realise that it’s because people think they’re being called snobby.

@RunningFromThePastHell I am surprised a nurse assumed your parents were wealthy if they are not. But it is fair advice to go private if the situation warrants it.

It depends on who is calling you Posh and why.

It is possible somebody is doing this for reasons that are not nice - e.g. to make you feel excluded from a group

OTH the reasons may be the same as to why somebody may be called Sporty, Scary or Baby.

Exactly this.
I used to be called “posh” simply as don’t have an accent.

It’s reverse snobbery - I bet you don’t have an accent either.

I joined a group once of mixed people- One immediately started to take the piss out of my non accent-

I immediately imitated his and said “ How would you like it if I took the piss out of your accent?
None of us can help where we are born”

He apologised- so did I .

It was fine after that.

But everyone has an accent. There is no ‘accentless’ speech. The late queen had an sccent.

Interesting thread. I've also been on the end of the PA "posh" observations due to having a "royal" name, talking proper, doing reasonably well at school and these days dressing relatively eccentrically (vintage Goth on the Stevie Nicks edge)((charity shops,car boots sales, eBay etc)).

Family aspirational but never got beyond slightly bettering ourselves from Nana who went into service at 14. No university high fliers, some college, alot of "creativity" and scant property ownership on my parents end.

It used to grind my gears because I've always been relatively "poor" but people have always assumed otherwise. Currently at my poorest and effectively isolated socially because going for a drink means me or my cats won't eat. And my cats must eat.

Which leads to the side eye and raised eyebrows and the odd comment of "but you seem as if you should have achieved more so what exactly is wrong with you?" (And thereby hangs a tale too long and unbelievable to relate).

These days I can shrug it off, or come back with an arch "Oh darling, I'm classless you know" leaving them pondering which pigeonhole to stuff me in.

But I'm in my 50s now and lack filters, however I have sympathy for the OP because it can rankle, and it did in my younger years. I always felt it suggested I had ideas above my station and thought myself superior, when this is just the me, product of my environment and trying to fit in the best I could. In these divisive times it's irritating when you are "othered" even in jest (allegedly). So OP I hope you can figure out a way to knock it on the head and enjoy your socialising without your alleged poshness being mentioned.

@MistressoftheDarkSide It is more that you have some of the signifiers that suggest you have money, even though you do not. So people maybe do not believe you when you say you have no money?

Probably. I wear "naice" clothes, and a hat usually, have accumulated some good furniture and knick knacks, and like the vintage style, and I'll talk to anybody. But I live in ex council rented accommodation and walk and bus everywhere.

It's all about assumptions in this class driven society isn't it? And we all know what they say about assumptions. I taught my son to confound the stereotypes, so he has a very distinct personal style including dreadlocks and tattoos, and when he speaks to people, particularly the older generation, he confuses them mightily as he's gentle, polite, respectful and helpful. All the world's a stage and all that.

We all note certain markers and make assumptions because we're conditioned to do so, but these days what you see isn't always what you get, and finding that out can be great when you make connections with people through conversation etc. Open mindedness is they key I think.

There is no misunderstanding on my part. I have no reason to think they think I’m a snob.

I don’t think that. I just don’t want to be given any label at all. As PP have said, being referred to as posh is probably not a compliment.

Because your comment was dumb and short-sighted!

My DD got it a lot at university up north because she was from London. Mainly from mean girls. We are not posh.