She doesn't speak English - pointless meeting up

[Dannnyy]

My brother recently got engaged, he and his fiancée are coming to visit next week, we have met her briefly but have no relationship with her really.
My parents really want us all to go out for a meal, however she speaks 3 languages none of which are English. I know my brother could just translate and I have school level knowledge of one language. However I think it would be extremely awkward, and just not very fun. Apparently she is learning English but my brother says she's not in any hurry to get "good" at it.

AIBU to think it's pointless meeting for a meal in these circumstances?

OP aren’t you surprised when you visit a country where you don’t speak the language by just how much it is possible to communicate with locals who don’t speak English? I’ve had so many wonderful interactions over the years with people with whom I don’t share a language.

we have met her briefly but have no relationship with her really.
you seem determined to keep
it that way. What an odd outlook, you sound very 'British'

Exactly 💯

She's never left the UK and there are no foreigners in her hometown.

@Dannnyy culturally - and you’d no know this as you’ve never been anywhere/explored anything outside your own area - when someone Germanic says they don’t speak English it means that they don’t speak it at practical mother tongue level. There is a strong possibility that she can say a few things, and her hi and bye could have been more that you weren’t bothering to speak to her and finding out.

First rule of meeting people who are inportant to your family? DONT BE A DICK!

Massively unreasonable of you to assume that.

I'm sure she speaks a little English, and do you know any of the 3 languages she knows to converse in a little?

YABU, my SIL is Italian and Spanish, she speaks French and English as 2nd languages to a very high standard.
She invited me to her hen night and it was a total melting pot of languages and language proficiency, from her Italian and Spanish friends/relatives who barely spoke any English or other languages to people proficient in many (like herself). I ended up becoming close friends with one of her school friends who spoke a little English but mainly Spanish, and another of her friends who also spoke a little English but Mostly Italian. I'm now much better in both languages, I have seen some amazing Italian and Spanish films, have my music isn't in English anymore. Be open minded, use translate on google if you need to.
I have also found the European definition of not speaking English is actually I can hold a conversation in English but it won't be perfect or complex.

If that's the vibe she's getting from her in-laws to be, no wonder she's not in a hurry to improve her English!

In OP's defence, it is extremely unusual and strange for someone to know three languages but none of it being English. Without giving away identifying details, my work involves a lot of languages and identifying the degrees of fluency. One thing that many, many people tend to lie about is how many languages they can speak.

When someone claims to speak "3 languages", it's usually just one language and they only have very basic or no skills in the other two. Language bragging is particularly common in people with lower education levels but who still want to impress others. They tell everyone they speak several languages because they know you cannot verify if that's true.

True trilingualism in the sense of being able to fluently speak, understand read, write and think in three languages is vanishingly rare. It requires a high level of academics and (usually) some sort of international background. As a result, one of those languages is invariably English as that's the most common denominator across the world. Before anyone gets triggered by the paragraph below, YES there are loads of people in the world who can speak 3 languages truly fluently but over 90% of them have English as one of the three.

So in this case, it's probably YABU not to meet a potential close relative due to communication problems but YANBU to question why she told your brother she "speaks" 3 languages but is in no hurry to learn English. That is a genuine red flag. Based on experience, many people who claim they speak 3 or more languages are simply lying about it impress others or to embellish their CV. It would make you question what other things the are faking about themselves to make themselves appear better.

Lots of people are berating OP here because they immediately believe the fact that this SIL can speak 3 languages. I would say you need to question that first. OP, if your family has never met this girl and you only have what your BIL told you about her, you need to dig a bit deeper to see if she really can do all the things she claims. We don't know more about her family or work background, so maybe there are unique factors that make sense. However simply going from a statistical perspective, it does not sound very plausible.

Might have missed some posts but it sounds like she grew up in Western Europe? English is always the second language taught in schools across Europe so something in her story doesn't add up.

Why don't you try and learn a few words of her native language?

I think your parents are probably just being horrible and she can speak English passably. Even if she couldn't, stop being nasty and make an effort!

I'd clam up too if I was her, in an insular northern town with no diversity or experience of life outside.

Why don't you try learning one of her languages rather than judging for not being in a rush with English when she already knows 3 others?

My wife is German. Her mum lives in Germany, but is native Finnish. I speak neither (well I've learned some German now!). My wife translates and it's fine. A little odd but fine once you're used to it.

You're obviously being unreasonable here.

Oh no I’m fairly certain she does speak all 3 languages. Her mum is French and her dad Swiss German, she grew up mostly in Italy but a little in France. I asked my brother once what is her first language and he said “her phones in Italian, we speak in French but she speaks to her family/siblings in a mix of German and Italian. They met in France, she was doing a post grad their and her undergrad she did in Italy so I think it’s safe to assume her French and Italian at very least are to a very high standard.

@User757373 given that she has loved in France and Northern Italy and has a German speaking dad it's not hard to imagine she speaks 3 languages. I'm not sure anyone has actually claimed she is trilingual.

It's also easy to see why English isn't one of them.

I speak 3 languages well enough to spend an evening in each, read books comfortably and watch TV, listen to the radio. I don't claim to be trilingual.

You are being very unreasonable, why can't you make an effort, for your brother. use Google translate communicate in broken English/one of the languages she speaks/speak through your brother.
My DS in-laws speak a language we don't, we have met them several times and manage to communicate fairly easily. We feel we know them quite well. It is possible. And you will be going out for a meal so there will be plenty of distractions anyway

Spoken German dialects are all quite different, across and within the German speaking countries, although many dialect speakers will also understand and speak standard German. Written German tends to be more standard although not completely. The two state schools where I live teach French and one or two other languages.

Ok fair enough. That's a very unique situation where it's believable she could be exposed to all three languages. Northern Italy was formerly Austria so it's a weird pocket of both Italian and German. It's still very odd that she doesn't know enough conversational English? Virtually everyone growing up there will have learned some in school.

You are being ridiculous and small minded.

YABU. You’ll never get to know her, and never make her feel welcome, if you won’t open your arms to her while she’s learning.

Go to the meeting, be warm and friendly, rely on your brother and translation apps. Learn some basic phrases in one of her languages so you can use those too. It might be a bit of work but surely it’s worth it for the person your brother loves, and to ensure your relationship gets off to the best possible start?

One day (probably soon as she’s clearly very intelligent and capable with languages) she will be able to speak English, and it will make a big difference to your relationship with her, your brother and any future kids they may have if she remembers that before she learned the language you made an effort and opened your arms to her, rather than turning the cold shoulder because you didn’t think it would be fun enough to meet her.

In all honesty I don’t know what her English level is, my parents have made it out to be very little past hi and bye but they’ve only met her 2 times and aren’t very chatty people. There is a chance it is school level English but rusty if she hasn’t used it much in adulthood. I only know what my parents have told me.

With that background she will understand quite a lot of English even if she doesn't speak. So don't make remarks!

My German SIL doesn’t speak a word of English and I’ve known her 25 years. She does however speak Dutch because of her husband so we communicate in that language even though I’m very far from fluent.

It was a bit tricky at first I suppose but I felt it was on me really to learn some Dutch. Do you have any French op?

Of course YABU she’s becoming part of your family it’s important to make the effort. She’s trying to learn English (not an easy language btw) which shows she’s trying to make an effort with her in-laws.

Valid point.

I went to Argentina to meet relatives I never knew I had. I don't speak Spanish, they don't speak English and yet we had a blast. It was hilarious and I fell in love with them. They are amazing people and I'm glad I have them in my life.