To be annoyed with teacher re inappropriate language

[shoogalypeg]

My DD 8 has an ongoing feud with a girl in her class which came to a head today so DD and her friend got told off for arguing with the girl (no issues there, I don’t know how teachers cope dealing with the petty stuff kids fight about) the problem is she told the girls to “stop being bitchy”

my issue is:

1. This is totally unprofessional language for a teacher to be using
2. Sexist language like this has no place in schools

now do I have a word with this teacher directly and risk getting things escalating (we’ve had issues in the past) or should I go directly to the headteacher to deal with it.

(for what it’s worth DD doesn’t tell fibs and is BEGGING me not to say anything as she fears reprisals from this teacher)

One of the things I was constantly aware of in my teaching days was kids petrified their parent was going to come in and complain because of something the teacher supposedly said. The fear was usually because the child had improved the story to make themselves look good and downtrodden and the teacher bad.

Have a word with the teacher. I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if it turns out she never said that. And yes, everyone's child is always truthful and never improves on a story to get themselves out of trouble. Every single one of them.

A phrase my headteacher used to repeat at "Meet the Parents" - "If you promise not to take at face value everything your child tells you about school, we promise the same same regarding what they tell us about home".
Of course, there may be serious issues to uncover, but how often do we discover that somebody has been getting the edited highlights.
For example, a stream of inane interruptions finally elicits a sanction; when the parent finds out - "All I did was ask a question!"
A grim end-of-year Maths paper; "Miss Twosheds told us not to revise for the exam; she wants to see what we have really learned" (which totally explains the revision checklist Miss Twosheds obliged him and his classmates to write in the back of their exercise book - not a printed sheet, but his own handwriting).
Ask any teacher of your acquaintance, and you will get some beauties.
They say that the ability to spin fantasies and tells lies is a sign of intelligence in children; all I can say is, I've taught some bloody geniuses in my time.....

I personally think it’s OTT to even mention it. It hasn’t been said in a swear way. She’s probably at the end of her tether - wish some people would give teachers a break instead of thinking they are machines who automatically know how to deal with every circumstance perfectly

1. your DD is 8 she definitely fibs!
2. there's a difference between avoiding a child and being rude to them about it.
3. "this child gets away with murder" - have you actually seen it or again is this what you're being told?
4. give the teacher a break - but you won't because you clearly don't like either the teacher or the other child!

Go to the head if you wish but I can almost guarantee you won't like what you hear.

And I say this as someone who has worked in a school and has had dealings with parents like you in the past.

Yes! This exactly. I'm a teacher and when my son feels like a teacher has been unfair, I tell it how it is. Teachers are human, they make mistakes, they don't always get it right. It's parents who are constantly on our backs that are one of the main reasons so many are leaving the profession. The teacher shouldn't have said it, I'd explain that to my child, but I'd also explain that we need compassion and resilience and if they were being 'bitchy' they take the telling off. And get over it.

The teacher will have already re-lived this event many times and regretted their word choices. What's the sense in getting them into trouble? Teach your child some resilience and empathy and accountability for their actions.

Not an appropriate use of language, but humans slip up. Also believe me 8 year old girls are bitchy, so can the 5 year old girls be. Unfortunately it's just how it is.

And 8 year olds lie, they will definitely lie if they have come home, used a swear word. And of course she won't want you to ask. Because it's probably a stretch of the truth.

I work in a school, and it makes me laugh how many parents say my child wouldn't do this or that, and they don't lie, they are just usually the one's who are more sly about it.

I think you are massively over reacting, specially by calling it sexism. Come on, that's just ridiculous.
Teacher has to put out 20 fights by lunchtime, she is knackered, over worked and underpaid. So she picked first workd that came to mind.
Don't go running and complaining of sexism.
Deal with issue of kids arguing not teacher snapping.

It's a word it really doesn't matter

I'd be more upset that my daughter was behaving so badly that she was described as bitchy in the first place and would be more concernee I was raising a bully, not that she was told off for it

This!

This.

Usually as a teacher telling off etc is mostly an act. But occasionally the little buggers get the better of you. Words slip out that maybe shouldn’t.

Whilst it’s an inappropriate word I imagine the teacher thought it summed up the situation accurately.

My mind is drawn back to an incident in my teaching career - in my closing months.

Practical Y11 technology lesson. All working on their projects. I heard a bang and then found out that one boy had cut through a live mains cable.

Fortunately power had shut down, as it should. Pliers missing chunks but boy alive and well. No need for me to see if I’d remembered first aid training + cpr.

I was so shocked, relieved, cross at his sheer stupidity that I too used language more suited to an adult industrial environment.

Was I wrong or was it understandable?

His parents didn’t complain and were happy to have him home alive. Unlikely that he’d be as stupid again.

Kids never lie or get their wires crossed of course.... I'd get both sides of the story before you go off on one.

Language was not appropriate, I agree, but you're making wild accusations without knowing really what's happening. Get all your facts right then go from there. Speak to teacher first, youre jumping the gun and making a massive deal by going straight to the head.

I feel like an awful person right know cause that made me laugh so much I spat my coffee out - I'm really sorry!

I know this thread has a million and one responses already but OP I think you need to be aware that this situation - an ongoing feud or a class bully that the teacher seems incapable of managing or even acknowledging is becoming a very common thing. When my daughter was in a similar situation I asked the teachers to at least keep my kid apart from the child she was having trouble with (who like the child here was also violent), and instead things got worse and confrontations were ignored and allowed to escalate.
The teacher is not keeping your child safe and your daughter is too young to advocate for herself. Trust her version of events not the teachers. It’s terribly unfair that your daughter feels things will get worse for her if you intervene. Our kids are being treated like crap and punished for complaining.

Not inappropriate at all! Sounds like teacher had had enough, they were being bitchy & they needed to be told!!

Oh for goodness sake, leave be. It's not the most important thing in this situation. The teacher is probably tired and fed up. Ask for an appointment with the teacher/headteacher but not about this. Ask what they're doing about the other child's behaviour/your child's behaviour.

Children do lie often, it’s completely normal. So maybe your daughter has embellished the truth slightly and that’s why she doesn’t want you to talk to the teacher.
I am an auntie to 11 nieces and all my siblings would swear that their children don’t lie, but they do. Mostly because they don’t want to upset their parents, sometimes because they don’t want to admit guilt.
Also teachers have a REALLY hard job at the minute, so if you can, be gentle and sensitive when you broach the subject with the teacher.

Good luck.

Are eight year olds capable of ‘malicious gossip’? 🤔

I can see by your replies that you are going to address it with the teacher, no matter what.

I personally wouldn’t but would use it as a teaching opportunity with DD. Explain what the word means and tell her that whilst you disagree with the term, ask whether she thought that both girls were displaying these behaviours and are they appropriate in a classroom?
Give her tips on how to politely interact, take the higher ground without appearing rude. These are behaviours that she can use her whole life, rather than focusing on semantics.

Your first port of call would be to discuss with the teacher. In all my years of working in a school, I have yet to meet a child (including my own) who hasn't lied or exaggerated the truth slightly. If the teacher did use the word 'bitchy', then no it wasn't appropriate. However, teachers are human and a slip of the tongue can and does happen. You only need to escalate if the teacher doesn't give you a satisfactory answer or there are more issues going forward. You do need to remember, you weren't there, so you are hearing information second-hand that may or may not have been exaggerated. Don't go in guns blazing. You need to establish the facts, and that means talking to the teacher concerned.

Is it that bad? As a woman I use the word bitchy, but I’m not easily offended at all. If that’s the worst word your DD hears at school then she’s very lucky! If the other girl is that bad then that needs discussing more than a little conversational slip up.

This!!!

This. As she gets older it’s going to be a LOT more important that she feels comfortable confiding in you and talking things through. It’s going to be really important that she trusts you, because unless you escape it by some miracle, teenage girls experience far worse than this with friends etc through their school years. Communication is key.

I think it was probably Freudian slip, I know I have been there before as a teacher. I have done something similar then regretted it after. But equally we are human beings and you may think your child is the best thing since sliced bread but that doesn’t mean everyone else has too. Also how children behave away from you is never exactly the same. I’m not saying it’s always negative either. Some children behave better lol. You can mention not wanting that word used but if your child is being spiteful then another synonym will be used and will you get angry 😡 over that word too?
let me give you a tip, if you are the kind of parent who keeps finding little things to complain about to the teacher it’s not going to be a great year for you. Any parent who has done that to me, any little thing their child hasn’t done or could be working better at - I let them know. They soon stop bothering me. Remember you’re opening a can of worms. Is it worth it?

On re-reading your post, I note that both girls were given a ticking-off, so perhaps the other girl is was not being let off scot free; neither you nor your daughter know what happened when the news reached the other child's mother, if she got wind of it.
I do remember from my own school days that there were some occasions which I would rather not have passed on, as Showing Me Up In Public was a serious misdemeanour.
@Parri is right about the nitpicking; I have seen more than one parents wilt with embarrassment when full chapter and verse were disclosed.
Check with the teacher if you feel strongly; I agree that the adjective she used was inappropriate in the circumstances, but I have no more idea of the antecedents than you do, and it would appear that she was content to give a strong reprimand and leave it at that, not being a grave enough incident to involve parents (yet).
It is her decision whether she mentions it to her colleague or not; when I have taught the sons of colleagues, we had a general agreement that we would only mention to them a misdemeanour for which any other parent would be called in.

Gosh I love that there are so many ‘perfect people’ who never say the wrong thing at the wrong time!
Whilst it is inappropriate to have said it the teacher is probably as fed up as you are with the ‘ongoing feud’. What word would you prefer her to use?

Imagine having to teach a class of children where you have different abilities and understanding so you cater for everyone and on top of that your boss might pop in at any time to observe everything about your lesson and just as you are about to deliver the dream lesson that’s you’ve planned, you have to delay that to deal with an ongoing friendship issue - so you try to deal with it quickly whilst not allowing the other 28 children to lose focus and you accidentally said a wrong word!

I think a little chat with the teacher just asking her if she wouldn’t mind not using such terms would be sufficient.