Husband sometimes breaks things when angry - should I leave?

[Stircrazy1984]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, he grew up in a house where his dad was abusive to his mum and his mum would break things from frustration and emotionally lean on him.

As a result, sometimes, when he gets really mad he will smash things up, in our old house he smashed shelves off walls, pounded wicker baskets and one time dropped a plate full of food into our wooden floor, so it shattered in a million pieces, and I told him it couldn't happen again as, our eldest daughter who was a baby in her highchair, could have gotten bits of china in her eye.

We've been here 5 years and I can only recall 3 incidents, he threw his Xbox on the floor when I told him he loved it more than me maybe a year ago, as he spends his life on it, he punched a hole in a door a few months ago and this weekend he threw a large cooking pan, which then bounced and smashed our front window, he then tried to break his phone in half, but I took it from him, then he walked past the pan on the floor and aggressively stamped on it until it was all bent and unusable (it was a brand new one we treated ourselves to). We have a 9 and 6 year old now and I can't bare to think what would have happened if one of them walked through the hall when that pan was flying, and our 9 year old ran and hid and locked herself in the crate with our dog and was clearly affected by it. He did speak to a mental health professional and he has had an assessment with talking space but they don't deal in anger management. He has said I just have to stop whinging at him so much (but I just asked him to be present with the kids and to help me with some housework - I work p/t so do most of it)

My husband says it happened because I was getting at him too much..but I had only suggested that 9am was too early to play on his Xbox and for him to pick up half the dog poos in the garden as I'd done the other half, as we were having guests over for a party a few days later, and he snapped BIG TIME. Burst into tears and said that he works really hard and never gets to do what he wants and that he wants to kill himself...he had been playing his games since midday the day before all day and night until he came to bed late. He has a motorbike, a new mountain bike, a Nintendo switch, his Xbox and a tennis club membership, but apparently he never gets to do what he wants and he says it was how I talk to him...I said I talk to him like that as feel 2nd to the Xbox...proportionally he spends 90% of his free time between Xbox, switch and scrolling through his phone, he has a stressful job and uses it to escape, but by escaping reality he's also missing out on family life.

Anyway, I'm not being myself for fear of setting him off again but he's frustrated at me for not being myself?! And obviously now I have my children to think about and my daughter has told me she's worried when Daddy gets angry again he'll break something again, and he does get angry quite a lot, just not to the 'breaking items' degree.

He thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' this time as I haven't just snapped back to normal like nothing has happened this time...is he right? Am I overthinking it? I'm thinking I need to put my kids first and also me as I don't feel I can be myself around him at the moment for fear of him snapping again.

DH genuinely had an issue with anger which, pre marriage, I told him he had to deal with or the relationship was over. He went to a lot of therapy and did a lot of work.

Do you know what happaned when we had an argument a few years later and he threw a chopping board at a door and it smashed and then fell to the floor? When he calmed down I pointed out that 2 year old DS was in the other room when he did this and that if he'd walked into the kitchen he could have been hit. He booked an appintment with his therapist immediately.

Do you know what he has never done? Blamed me. Oh sure, in the moment, but it was that instinct of blaming me that had me tell hin sort it, or ship out and it was him, in the calm phase fully accepting that his feelings during the anger phases were unacceptable that made him commit to doing the work.

Your H, on the other hand, is clearly just abusive and controlling. his anger is designe ot prevent you from questioning him or challenging him and it ensures he doesn't have to do anything he does not want to do.

Edited to clarify: Post initial therapy (pre marriage) none of these incidents happened again until that day 4 years later. Since then, he has never ever done it again. Why? Becuase he has DONE THE WORK and accepted the responsibiltiy.

OP. Imagine if your child was so scared of you, she ran and shut herself in a cage.

What would you do?
I would be mortified. I'd think about it every day for months, then think about it regularly with that horrible shame you get in the middle of the night. I'd do better & pray the forgave me. I bet you would too OP.

Meanwhile he does fuck all. Tells the Dr a sob story. Gets a week off work. Bonus, more time to play Xbox. He blames you. Blames his parents blah blah blah. Any apologies? Any positive moves to change?

Unfortunately he hasn't been signed off from being an abusive prick. MN is here 24/7 to support you if you leave x

So what? From your own account he has been like this for years. As others have said, I feel sorry for your children.

This is true. My relationship with my mother has never recovered from her decision to stay / lack of taking action to leave and protect us. I got us out in the end, age 17. Obviously I despise my father more, but once I got past the guilt of victim-blaming my mother, the other deep negative emotions towards her surfaced. Don't let this be you/your kids.

I think when we have kids and have been in a relationship for a long time we can sometimes brush it off and blame it on x y z but ultimately he’s abuse and it’s making you question yourself. Your children don’t need to see that or hear that. we need good role models for our children, apart from the aggressiveness and him breaking things, then wanting to play on a game all day everyday how childish! Sounds like he needs to grow up and start spending time with his family and stop blaming you for him being overstimulated from hours of gaming!!!!
please consider your kids and what the see and how they will take that into there relationships like he has with his