Husband sometimes breaks things when angry - should I leave?

[Stircrazy1984]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, he grew up in a house where his dad was abusive to his mum and his mum would break things from frustration and emotionally lean on him.

As a result, sometimes, when he gets really mad he will smash things up, in our old house he smashed shelves off walls, pounded wicker baskets and one time dropped a plate full of food into our wooden floor, so it shattered in a million pieces, and I told him it couldn't happen again as, our eldest daughter who was a baby in her highchair, could have gotten bits of china in her eye.

We've been here 5 years and I can only recall 3 incidents, he threw his Xbox on the floor when I told him he loved it more than me maybe a year ago, as he spends his life on it, he punched a hole in a door a few months ago and this weekend he threw a large cooking pan, which then bounced and smashed our front window, he then tried to break his phone in half, but I took it from him, then he walked past the pan on the floor and aggressively stamped on it until it was all bent and unusable (it was a brand new one we treated ourselves to). We have a 9 and 6 year old now and I can't bare to think what would have happened if one of them walked through the hall when that pan was flying, and our 9 year old ran and hid and locked herself in the crate with our dog and was clearly affected by it. He did speak to a mental health professional and he has had an assessment with talking space but they don't deal in anger management. He has said I just have to stop whinging at him so much (but I just asked him to be present with the kids and to help me with some housework - I work p/t so do most of it)

My husband says it happened because I was getting at him too much..but I had only suggested that 9am was too early to play on his Xbox and for him to pick up half the dog poos in the garden as I'd done the other half, as we were having guests over for a party a few days later, and he snapped BIG TIME. Burst into tears and said that he works really hard and never gets to do what he wants and that he wants to kill himself...he had been playing his games since midday the day before all day and night until he came to bed late. He has a motorbike, a new mountain bike, a Nintendo switch, his Xbox and a tennis club membership, but apparently he never gets to do what he wants and he says it was how I talk to him...I said I talk to him like that as feel 2nd to the Xbox...proportionally he spends 90% of his free time between Xbox, switch and scrolling through his phone, he has a stressful job and uses it to escape, but by escaping reality he's also missing out on family life.

Anyway, I'm not being myself for fear of setting him off again but he's frustrated at me for not being myself?! And obviously now I have my children to think about and my daughter has told me she's worried when Daddy gets angry again he'll break something again, and he does get angry quite a lot, just not to the 'breaking items' degree.

He thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' this time as I haven't just snapped back to normal like nothing has happened this time...is he right? Am I overthinking it? I'm thinking I need to put my kids first and also me as I don't feel I can be myself around him at the moment for fear of him snapping again.

It's the bit where you mention 'he has a motorbike and a new mountain bike."

You are married to a massive fecking child. A huge fecking toddler with a driving license.

I also have a motorbike and a mountain bike but have NEVER stomped around the house throwing and breaking things and scaring people when I don't get my way BECAUSE IM A FECKIN ADULT!

I happen to work in Youth Mental Health and completely understand the affect of Adverse Childhood Experiences BUT there comes a time where damaged people need to understand that they have NO RIGHT to take their inadequacies out on others.

OP you need to protect yourself and your kids.

Hope you get the support you need.

He's going to damage your children and affect them for life, just as he was. His parents broke him and left it to his future relationships to pick up the pieces. Would you want your children behaving like this in their future relationships?

This won't get better or stop. It's only going to get worse if you stay. I wouldn't be surprised if one day he is no longer content on taking his anger out on physical objects and lays hands on you, or god forbid, the kids instead.

He's blaming you for his reactions, but nothing you say or do should make someone react like this. It's not normal, healthy or reasonable.

Do you want to live a life where you're afraid to speak and walk on eggshells in case you do or say something that makes him kick off? It doesn't sound like much fun to me. Plus, do you really want to constantly be replacing all the items he breaks?

You children should come first. Don't let him ruin them like his own parents did to him. Seeing this kind of behaviour from a parent is highly damaging.

Children living in this environment is classified as abuse. You and your husband are creating an abusive environment for your children. You MUST do better

As someone who was in your child's position with a dad who smashed things (and not bad badly as your husband). Please please leave. I get triggered still 20+ years later when people are physically aggressive (not necessarily towards a person).

Classic abuser behaviour. Acting victim and blaming you. DARVO deny, attack and reverse victim offender.

Leave. When they start throwing and breaking things, you WILL be next. 18 years ago, I waited too long, ex started with glasses, plates, milk bottles.. claimed stress etc ... then he smashed my leg... don't leave it too long x

I cam imagine you're feeling overwhelmed at the advice you have received this evening.

I'm sorry you and your kids are in the situation - however their future is in your hands. Please, please, please leave him as soon as you can -I'm talking hours not weeks here. Your 9 year old DD knows what is happening and she's terrified.

It's not your fault he's angry at everything, breaking things. But you need to leave as soon as you can. Others have suggested organisation that can help but don't wait for Monday morning - leave this weekend

Take it from someone who knows: growing up around a volatile parent, not knowing when their next violent and frightening outburst will happen, is deeply damaging. For your children's sake, leave - protect their lifelong mental health.

My father used to blame my mother too for making him behave the way he did - she stayed for 17 years. I used to go to the dog for comfort too, like your DC. It's not going to get better, waiting to see if he might change will only embed the fear and turmoil more deeply in your children.

Good luck

I will advise as I always do in these situations.I grew up in a DV household, witnessed and heard violence,had violence used against me.
Witnessing these events will leave their mark on your children.
The event's etc I experienced took 50years to reconcile with the help of therapy.
Op don't let that be your children, get out for all your sakes.

So far we’ve got the following areas covered.
Saying he wants to kill himself when you challenge him - using coercion and threats ✔️
Smashing things - using intimidation ✔️
Suggesting his behaviour is your fault - denying, minimising and blaming ✔️
How else is he abusing you? I’d also urge you to consider that his behaviour seems to be escalating as the physical incidents are happening more regularly.

Get him out now
Make a plan
He wanted to kill himself? Send him to gp or call 999
You need to get your kids away from him
Now

@Stircrazy1984 9am??? is he not working????

Make him leave not yourself

You need to get the children out of this violent environment before it damages you children as much as it damaged your husband in his childhood.

"My husband says it happened because I was getting at him too much" - or to put it into more familiar words - LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! He takes no responsibility for his own behaviour, you're walking on eggshells (and are a shell of your former self) and your daughter is locking herself in the dog's crate for safety.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions. You need to get yourselves away from him. As soon as you can.

unless you want your dc being in a relationship similar to the one you’re modelling I think it’s fair to suggest that you get your shit together and leave.

This sounds unbearable. Can you leave? Being around someone with a temper is horrible, imagine how your children will feel. Do it for them if that helps

He needs professional help to resolve the abuse he suffered that he is now taking out on you.

You cannot help him even if you want to and even if you love him to bits.

Your children are terrified and this will have a long lasting effect on them.

Don't leave. Tell him he's not allowed in the house unless and until he has had serious professional help such they you can see a big difference. This will be for at least a year. Then make him go.

Once you've had a breathing space you can decide what you want to do. Right now your cortisol and adrenaline will be sky high and you need them to be lower so you can make a considered decision.

But he has to go before Monday. Preferably tomorrow.

Does he actually fix and replace the stuff he breaks, by the way.

Does he ever later reflect on what he's done.

Stay safe

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

OP I'm going to go against the grain here.

If you leave, will he still see the children? Presumably he hasn't hurt them or done anything that would cause him to be refused access, so once you leave, the kids will still see him - just on their own, not with you there.

I'd persist on helping him work on his anger while you're still around to protect the children and step in if needed. Insist he takes an anger management course. Pay for it, pay for therapy, counselling, whatever he needs.

In the meantime log all behaviour and gather evidence so that if/when you do need to leave you've got good reason to ask for supervised visits or whatever. I mean I don't know how it works, but all these posters just saying "leave". What will that change? It's not going to stop him from being like this with his kids. It will help OP escape and that's it.

Victim blaming isn't helpful

But yes OP you would be safer apart

Fucking hell OP. Your child hide in the dog crate and you have to ask?

I'd call the police and ask to speak with the domestic abuse unit. Get him out. Fast.

Overgrown child. Leave him.

…our 9 year old ran and hid and locked herself in the crate with our dog and was clearly affected by it…

Yes, he needs to go.

You could maybe have one final ray where he commits to getting help and actually acknowledges that he is in the wrong. If he won’t do that then it doesn’t matter how much therapy he gets because he’ll just be doing it for appearances.

I’m just going to correct one word in the above quote…

”Your children WILL be traumatised from this behaviour”

My Mother and Father had a ‘shouting and throwing’ abusive relationship as far back as I can remember, (age around 3/4 years old.)
It made me extremely anxious and I wet the bed for way longer than I should have. I had nightmares and was a scared and very nervy child. It impacted the rest of my life in so many ways. I am still a very poor sleeper with intrusive thoughts, and nightmares.

I cannot bear to hear shouting, it scares me even now.

I swore to my teddies that if I ever got married, my life would never be like that. I was around 5 years old and my Mother was trying to burn the house down whilst fighting with my Father. It was Christmas Eve 1968.
Luckily I married an absolute sweetheart of a man who was so kind and gentle, he never raised his voice to me or DC ever.

I am the wrong side of 60 now, OP, and please listen when I tell you, your children will never forget these episodes for the rest of their lives, even if they have the happiest of relationships in later life.

Do you realise how it sounds when you say your daughter locks herself in the dogs cage? Please… just read that to yourself again.
Imagine announcing that to a gathering… people would quite rightly gasp in shock.

Either throw him out or leave with the DC. Do it soon. This will escalate.
And please don’t allow your Ddog to be terrified either. Animals do not deserve this. My Ddog was my one true companion during this awful time.

My utter misery was lifted when one parent died. I was 9.

Sending you my best, OP.

You haven't got a clue the impact DV has on children.
The children have eyes and ears and have witnessed his violent acts.
That in its self is child abuse.
See my other post detailing what I went through as a child and how long it took to reconcile with.
It's not op job to fix this man.