Husband sometimes breaks things when angry - should I leave?

[Stircrazy1984]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, he grew up in a house where his dad was abusive to his mum and his mum would break things from frustration and emotionally lean on him.

As a result, sometimes, when he gets really mad he will smash things up, in our old house he smashed shelves off walls, pounded wicker baskets and one time dropped a plate full of food into our wooden floor, so it shattered in a million pieces, and I told him it couldn't happen again as, our eldest daughter who was a baby in her highchair, could have gotten bits of china in her eye.

We've been here 5 years and I can only recall 3 incidents, he threw his Xbox on the floor when I told him he loved it more than me maybe a year ago, as he spends his life on it, he punched a hole in a door a few months ago and this weekend he threw a large cooking pan, which then bounced and smashed our front window, he then tried to break his phone in half, but I took it from him, then he walked past the pan on the floor and aggressively stamped on it until it was all bent and unusable (it was a brand new one we treated ourselves to). We have a 9 and 6 year old now and I can't bare to think what would have happened if one of them walked through the hall when that pan was flying, and our 9 year old ran and hid and locked herself in the crate with our dog and was clearly affected by it. He did speak to a mental health professional and he has had an assessment with talking space but they don't deal in anger management. He has said I just have to stop whinging at him so much (but I just asked him to be present with the kids and to help me with some housework - I work p/t so do most of it)

My husband says it happened because I was getting at him too much..but I had only suggested that 9am was too early to play on his Xbox and for him to pick up half the dog poos in the garden as I'd done the other half, as we were having guests over for a party a few days later, and he snapped BIG TIME. Burst into tears and said that he works really hard and never gets to do what he wants and that he wants to kill himself...he had been playing his games since midday the day before all day and night until he came to bed late. He has a motorbike, a new mountain bike, a Nintendo switch, his Xbox and a tennis club membership, but apparently he never gets to do what he wants and he says it was how I talk to him...I said I talk to him like that as feel 2nd to the Xbox...proportionally he spends 90% of his free time between Xbox, switch and scrolling through his phone, he has a stressful job and uses it to escape, but by escaping reality he's also missing out on family life.

Anyway, I'm not being myself for fear of setting him off again but he's frustrated at me for not being myself?! And obviously now I have my children to think about and my daughter has told me she's worried when Daddy gets angry again he'll break something again, and he does get angry quite a lot, just not to the 'breaking items' degree.

He thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' this time as I haven't just snapped back to normal like nothing has happened this time...is he right? Am I overthinking it? I'm thinking I need to put my kids first and also me as I don't feel I can be myself around him at the moment for fear of him snapping again.

He is focussed on himself. Poor him. Everybody is to blame for ‘making’ him lose his temper. You’ve stressed him out now.
He’s horrible. He won’t change. I doubt he even thinks he needs to.
Phone a women’s aid if you need help to leave because he is an abuser and your children will grow up abused and then likely repeat the pattern of being an abuser or your daughter will have personality disorder problems and be emotionally unstable all her life. Get out. If not for you, then for them.

I haven't read the full thread, but the fact your 9 year was so frightened she hid should be a wake up call to him and you. I couldn't imagine staying with someone who made my child feel like that. If you stay, your DC may not want to be around either of you when they grow up.

One of the best days of my childhood was when my dad moved into his own house. I loved both my parents but together life was awful, I was afraid often and still have impacts on my life and behaviours now over 40 years later.

You owe it to your children to divorce.

There might be a chance for them to have a loving relationship with him in the future if you do. If you stay together the damage to them will be worse and probably impact them for the rest of their lives.

It's not a healthy relationship between you 2 and it needs to stop now before it gets any worse. I don't give a flying monkeys if he's stressed, it is unaccountable and needs to stop

I agree to leave.
But he will still have unsupervised access to the children, it makes no difference if OP has records of any of this unfortunately.....
ETA: he is abusive. He doens t need anger management therapy, it won't help!

Move out.
He needs to actively seek professional help, be committed to it and be considered as having success with the program before I would entertain discussions about sharing care of the children or living with him again.
He would always need to have a therapist and learn calm strategies for many years, I think.

He is not in control of himself, the problem is that you don't know which way the uncontrolled behaviour could turn, it may turn to violence towards somebody rather than thing.
You need to get him professional help urgently, as how it is at the moment could be dangerous, if he refuses you have a responsibility to protect yourself and your children.

He's abusive. He has an issue. He isn't taking responsibility. He will not change.

Your kids are scared of him and you are walking in eggshells. This is not a happy or safe relationship. LEAVE

He is abusing you and your children. You must protect your children from this monster otherwise you are enabling him
He has conditioned you to minimise his behaviour by saying there have only been 3 incidents in 5 years. Your child locked herself in the dog crate as a result of one of these incidents. Your poor daughter.
What if the pot had hit one of them as he was throwing it?
You have to take action to protect you and your children. Make an appointment with your GP, contact Womens Aid. Good luck.

Your child hid in the dog crate. That single detail should be enough for you to leave or kick your husband out. This home is not safe, either physically or emotionally.

I don’t know. @Stircrazy1984 Does your husband behave this way at work when a colleague pisses him off? In the shops when someone, say, much bigger than he is, pushes past him? For example.

If the answer to any of those is no, then he absolutely can control his temper he just chooses not to at home as he doesn’t care if terrorises his family.

Burst into tears and said that he works really hard and never gets to do what he wants and that he wants to kill himself...he had been playing his games since midday the day before all day and night until he came to bed late. He has a motorbike, a new mountain bike, a Nintendo switch, his Xbox and a tennis club membership, but apparently he never gets to do what he wants and he says it was how I talk to him

Violence towards objects is still violence.
Re-read the extract above from your message OP. This is not the behaviour of a normal adult. You, essentially, have three children - the problem is that the biggest one has you all walking on eggshells, is violent and is damaging your children’s mental health.

This man is dangerous. Please ask him to leave - now. Next, speak to your children’s school about what’s been happening in order to access help and counselling for them. This may also help ensure any access visits are supervised. Don’t accept him back, don’t move anyone else in. Your children come first from now on.

Leave him. Your child locked themselves inside a dog cage to get away from their dad who was smashing the house up.

What would you tell your sister if you had one and she told you your threads opening post?

We've been here 5 years and I can only recall 3 incidents, he threw his Xbox on the floor when I told him he loved it more than me maybe a year ago, as he spends his life on it, he punched a hole in a door a few months ago and this weekend he threw a large cooking pan,

Do you see the pattern here, OP? The time between each incident is decreasing rapidly, from a year to months to weeks.

This man will hurt you and/or children. Don’t let it get that far as it has potential to cause worse damage, make plans to leave.

This guy is definitely in control and this is how he likes it.

The idea is to scare you into saying almost nothing at all. He's told you that effectively, and since you will insist on trying to talk, he will give himself licence to hurt you. If you put up with that, he will hurt your children.

This man doesn't love you. He holds you in contempt. The more you tolerate, the more he will get physical to show how stupid he thinks you are.

Get out. This is a nasty game where he is working you over to see if you will put yourself and any sense of self preservation second to his needs. And he is enjoying it.

Have you got any friends or relatives nearby who can be with you.

Do you have any friends or neighbours who pop round who might be able to possibly defuse situations that might escalate in the meantime. Moreover, if there are, does he behave like that in front of them..

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I hope one of your kids tells a teacher what is going on. They are living in an abusive environment and no one is protecting him. You’ve chosen staying with him over protecting your children. Someone else needs to, so I very much hope that the school call social services. Your kids need someone.

Or you could wake up, pack your things and leave with the kids. And never go back. But we all know you won’t.

You child tried to hide in the dog crate....Think about that.
He needs to leave

He needs to manage his behaviour or leave. He needs to make a plan for the next time he’s angry. Going for a run or walk so he is away from everything

I didn’t even read all through that, but leave him and don’t look back.

He’s abusive and this is domestic violence. Get out, start a new life with your beautiful children. Your children need to know now that this is not acceptable behaviour.

It happened because he did it. Not because of you.

Your children are telling you they are afraid. you have a 9year old locking herself in a dog cage for safety.
You need to get them out of that situation and he won’t change, he isn’t even remorseful, that’s why you’re changing your behaviour not him

Not only is this abusive and you should leave asap for your and your children's safety but this m as n is a child more interested in playing games than engaging in an adult relationship. Do you want your children to see this as an example of being a man?

I grew up in a house with a man like this and it had huge affect not just in poor choices I made in men but in how I view my mother because she didn't leave. Our relationship is trash because she never put her kids first. Do the right thing, put them first and get them safe. He's an abusive man child who isn't worth your time.

However annoying nagging or whining you are this is completely irrelevant

(Not saying you are but even if you nagged and moaned at him from morning till night, this violent behaviour still wouldn't be justified.)

My mother once bounced every single plate and cup in the house off the kitchen wall in one of her tantrums. I was mid teens at the time and just thought she was an absolute loon and gave her a wide berth for a few days. But your children are young and frightened. I would not tolerate that. I would be issuing an ultimatum - he either seeks counselling and sorts himself out or he leaves.

Imagine a child having to lock themselves in a dog crate to get to safety?

Unbelievable the lives some children endure.
Hopefully she will tell a teacher about Daddy and SS will be triggered.

Children like this don't stand a chance in houses full of domestic abuse like this.

One parent terrorising them, the other parent putting the abuser first ahead of their terrorised children.

Just heartbreaking.

And parents wonder why their children cut them off and go NC the first chsnce they get.
They often blame their mothers the most for not protecting them when they knew it was wrong.