Cheeky fucker houseguest

[TheLargestToblerone]

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable overall, but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting because I’m pissed off.

DP has a friend who has been more or less homeless for nearly a year. The reason he was made homeless was not his fault, so I do have a lot of sympathy for him. He’s been sofa surfing or living in his car most of the time. But one option fell through and winter in his car is awful, so in October he asked to stay with us for a couple of days. And the next week a couple more days. And on. He’s moved a bed into our spare room. He asked about it, and I agreed, because otherwise he was on the sofa in the sitting room and it was a total PITA. But that was a mistake as now he seems to think it’s more permanent. He stayed four days last week. He asked to stay every day this week, but we said no. His work is sporadic and he doesn’t earn much, so we have never asked for money.

We feed him dinner, he showers here, he washes his clothes here and he’s never offered to contribute to anything. He brings wine for himself and offers none of it, and drinks ours when he doesn’t bring his own. He sits here eating tubs of chocolates and tubes of crisps and doesn’t offer any. He sits watching YT videos without headphones. He breathes though his mouth and sniffles endlessly without blowing his fucking nose. He washes up his own coffee cup each morning and leaves everything else. He doesn’t offer to help with anything, not cooking, not clearing away, not washing up.

I’m going to tell him to fuck off tomorrow a day early, but I don’t understand why people are like this? I would never stay at someone’s house and not even bother to walk my plate to the kitchen after I’ve been cooked dinner. He genuinely has nowhere else to go, so why would he not make sure he doesn’t lose that?

I am getting DP to tell him to take his bed with him tomorrow morning and that the maximum he will stay here in future is 1 night, and not every week. DP thinks that’s too harsh, and it is short notice for him to take the bed (which smells) with him. But I am fed up and want him and his stuff gone.

Does he not have any family, parents that could help? I'd never have a child albeit a grown one struggling like that. I think you have every right to tell him to move on if that is how he acts in your home.

I would have kicked him out long before now. He's taking the piss out of you and he knows you will put up with it. See ya mate off you go fuck off out my house and don't come back.

I think being honest about how he's not being a good house guest will help him (if he listens and acts on it) because I bet other people see it the same way and he'll be finding himself with fewer options of where to sofa surf if he continues like that.
I had a house guest who was similar and was sleeping on the sofa but stank. I had been kind and tactful about him sleeping in the spare bedroom rather than the sofa and encouraging him to use the bathroom when it was free, where towels were etc. but it was obviously too soft
One day i absolutely lost it and ranted to my husband about everything. He overheard me complaining about it very bluntly and it seemed to jolt him into action. Sometimes the truth hurts but needs to be shared. We are still friends now- mainly cos he moved out the next day...

@TheLargestToblerone That's not actually your problem though. It's his.
Honestly now, get him out of your house - he sounds like a nightmare.

I would have thought the easiest win would be just telling him he has to pull his weight around the house, and chip in. Not that you should have to, but surely a couple of conversations is easier than resentment and angst?

@TheLargestToblerone

1. You should be asking this man for money. Given that working young people living with parents will nearly always pay rent money, it only makes sense that a friend should also be paying rent money.
2. He is not doing anything, but he may be completely unaware of your expectations. Most people are generally very protective of their home and property and do not want guests cleaning things differently. Have you said to him that you would like him to wash the dishes?
3. People breathe through their mouths due to various medical conditions, and you are a dick for judging someone on that basis.

This is just awful @TheLargestToblerone. I have a visceral dislike for people who mistake kindness for weakness, it's absolutely shit and tends to happen those of us with a generous spirit.

He needs to f8ck off. Really. And you can do this with a clear conscience. This level of CFery is rude, unfair and inconsiderate and he needs to declare himself homeless asap. He is not your responsibility and you have gone above and beyond what most people would do.

Tough shit - he's ruined it for himself- he has to go! Don't feel guilty - you've done your bit & he's thrown it back in your face - I'd tell him, too!!

It’s true that I have let resentment build up, which isn’t okay. But having given it a lot of thought, the biggest problem for me is that I do not want any houseguest, good or bad, to stay here every single week, multiple days a week. I have never signed up to having a lodger, or a long-term guest, and that is what he had become. His behaviour just highlighted this.

Anyway, DP has spoken to him, mainly to tell him that he can no longer stay except for the very occasional one-off night. I didn’t want it to seem as if any offers of hoovering will change the fact that him being here so much just isn’t on, but DP did touch on the fact that it would have been helpful to us if he could have pulled his weight a bit, and that if he finds another sofa it might make it a bit more palatable for his hosts if he contributes in some way. He was very gracious and apologetic about it. He was actually most pissed off about having to move the bed and mattress out (which we’ve given him a couple of weeks to do.)

He will not go to the council, and will not seek out homeless charity support. I can’t do any more about that. He’s been looking into house shares, but says they’re too expensive.

But, last night after all the above conversations and after he’s been gone for only a few days, he messaged DP to ask if he can stay here every remaining day this week and all of next, with the exception of next Wednesday. We’ve said no.

He has an adult son. The son lives with his girlfriend’s parents. That is the main other place that he stays, but they don’t have a spare room so he is on the sofa, and, reading between the lines, they have limited the time he can stay there (they obviously have better boundaries than me.)

But, last night after all the above conversations and after he’s been gone for only a few days, he messaged DP to ask if he can stay here every remaining day this week and all of next, with the exception of next Wednesday. We’ve said no.

So actually he's taken none of it in. Yikes.

What kind of adult man can't even afford a house share?

Has he looked into mens hostels/shelters?

He needs a plan, not just sponging off whoever he can impose on.

I did feel a bit sorry for him being homeless but not now you say he's sponging off his DS inlaws. How embarrassing for his DS, he lives with his GFs parents and his dad stays there as well. You did right to say No Op

He will not go to the council, and will not seek out homeless charity support. I can’t do any more about that. He’s been looking into house shares, but says they’re too expensive.

@TheLargestToblerone You've done all you can for him, and more.

Honestly, why on earth won't he speak to the council or seek out other homeless support services? Most of us would whatever we could to get a roof over our heads, he's been ridiculous.

He needs to get some self respect and also be grateful he has friends like you. What a free loading AH.

He needs to get a proper job and get his name down for housing. He's homeless fgs.

I’m not at all saying that OP should let him stay, but I do need bust the myth on this thread that a single homeless man, who is fit and well, is entitled to any help from the council. The legislation entitles him to zero (if you are in England).

Honestly, why on earth won't he speak to the council or seek out other homeless support services? Most of us would whatever we could to get a roof over our heads, he's been ridiculous.

@BruFord He doesn’t see himself as homeless because he isn’t sleeping on the streets. It was honestly like a twilight zone conversation, and just going round and round in circles. He was so defensive and dismissive about presenting himself as homeless. I got the impression it’s an ego/pride thing. Completely ridiculous and very frustrating.

@TheLargestToblerone Yes, I can understand wanting to keep his pride, but sadly, he is homeless and he needs to seek out any possible help.

There would be no staying at all after this

Actually, it sounds more like mental health issues with substance abuse. You can't parent him, obviously. Your DH has to understand that as well. Unless you are prepared to take it all on I think you do have to ask him to leave and, frankly, not return. You marriage will suffer otherwise.

People only get away with what you allow them to. My words would be ' off you fuck you leaching lazy bastard'. I have said this so many times on here, why are people so weak.

You know he has absolutely outstayed his welcome when even his heavy breathing is pissing you off !

I got into a similar situation as this once as the shape of his feet and never wearing socks genuinely ended up infuriating me

I haven’t gone through the entire thread but I’d bet good money you simply moved in an addict.

Everything about his behaviour points to addiction.

you’ve done so much already, it might be better to give him notice. i think he probably has depression due to his state of affairs or has grown up to be self centred due to the type of parents he had. you’ve suffered through it due to your compassion, i’d say give him notice and let him leave on good terms.

He is homeless though. I’d now refuse ALL requests even for the occasional day.