Cheeky fucker houseguest

[TheLargestToblerone]

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable overall, but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting because I’m pissed off.

DP has a friend who has been more or less homeless for nearly a year. The reason he was made homeless was not his fault, so I do have a lot of sympathy for him. He’s been sofa surfing or living in his car most of the time. But one option fell through and winter in his car is awful, so in October he asked to stay with us for a couple of days. And the next week a couple more days. And on. He’s moved a bed into our spare room. He asked about it, and I agreed, because otherwise he was on the sofa in the sitting room and it was a total PITA. But that was a mistake as now he seems to think it’s more permanent. He stayed four days last week. He asked to stay every day this week, but we said no. His work is sporadic and he doesn’t earn much, so we have never asked for money.

We feed him dinner, he showers here, he washes his clothes here and he’s never offered to contribute to anything. He brings wine for himself and offers none of it, and drinks ours when he doesn’t bring his own. He sits here eating tubs of chocolates and tubes of crisps and doesn’t offer any. He sits watching YT videos without headphones. He breathes though his mouth and sniffles endlessly without blowing his fucking nose. He washes up his own coffee cup each morning and leaves everything else. He doesn’t offer to help with anything, not cooking, not clearing away, not washing up.

I’m going to tell him to fuck off tomorrow a day early, but I don’t understand why people are like this? I would never stay at someone’s house and not even bother to walk my plate to the kitchen after I’ve been cooked dinner. He genuinely has nowhere else to go, so why would he not make sure he doesn’t lose that?

I am getting DP to tell him to take his bed with him tomorrow morning and that the maximum he will stay here in future is 1 night, and not every week. DP thinks that’s too harsh, and it is short notice for him to take the bed (which smells) with him. But I am fed up and want him and his stuff gone.

No, please stop with victim blaming. Rude selfish people are rude selfish people because they choose to be, not because of anyone else. The Op has been nice this is not her fault, it is fully on the selfish bastard.

I have had people bend over backwards for me. I have never thought 'hey great, they are doing things for me I think I'll take advantage!' Why? Because I'm not a selfish prick.

They should still be able to help in some way but don’t let him feed you excuses. He’s had the best part of a year to sort something and it doesn’t look like he’s done anything to help himself.

Has he actually checked this with the council homeless services?

You made a rookie mistake by not laying some ground rules at the beginning as soon as him staying for ‘’ a couple of days’’ had passed. I’d have asked him for a small contribution to your bills and an absolute deadline for sorting himself out and stuck to it. You’re now reaping the consequences of not doing so. He’s a cheeky fucker but I don’t think I could bring myself to boot someone out without warning in winter.

I’d give him a week to get out and sort himself out with the council homeless team, and ask that he gives a contribution towards meals and showers until that time. It’s not your problem that his income is sporadic either, he’s a grown man. He can’t blame you for throwing him out after you’ve given him enough warning

Any adult that needs all of this explained isn't someone you want to be sharing your home with. And it wasn't ever meant to be a long term arrangement so op doesn't need to have a discussion about how to make it sustainable

His council tax and HMRC arrears are not your problem to solve OP.

Someone with debt wouldn't qualify for housing? Really, I find that hard to believe.

Me too tbh.

People are weird. An acquaintance from the past sent me an email and asked if I had a room for 6 months as she wanted to apply for a biomed scientist locum position in our town. When I said I was not looking for lodgers, she said she was hoping to stay for free, so no lodging.

Tell your partner to clear off with him.
Honestly OP, they have both taken you for a mug.
I wouldn't have an ounce of sympathy for someone so entitled and disrespectful of your enormous kindness.
Take a hard look at that partner of yours.
A good partner would have taken him aside the first few days and spelt out basic fxxking etiquette.
Instead he has allowed you to be disrespected and used by his friend.

Awful behaviour from both of them.
I would say you are done with both of them.

I’m saying what ‘I’d’ do - I’ve never implied that’s what OP ‘needs’ to do.
But I do agree that it’s all very poor form.

If he can't contribute financially, then the least he can do is clean up after himself, offer to cook, wash up when you cook for him, run the hoover round and share his snacks and wine. FGS, bills and food aren't cheap and you're generously housing and feeding his man for free!

YANBU.

But maybe you or your DP could tell him straightforwardly why you're asking him to leave. A PP has summed it up.

OK, a normal reasonable person would not behave like this, and shouldn't need to be told. But he's a CF, and he needs to be told.

And NOT told in a way that makes him think that if he does all of the above, he can stay.

YANBU! It was clear that his situation wasn't as temporary as he/your DP claimed and he doesn't seem to be doing anything to change it.

The debts he's now revealed are not your problem. Time to end the arrangement and let him find his next space.

I would give him a weeks notice and tell him that’s the end of him staying. I wouldn’t let him stay 1 night a week. He’s taken advantage of your kindness and has been an awful, selfish guest.

God he sounds awful and why is your dh putting up with him too

Just to clarify - not that it's really in my defence or his - but he does have one or two other people that he stays with sofa surfing, but he knows he can't stay with any one of us full time. So it's a couple of days here, a few somewhere else, a few days here etc.

I know it's probably a massive drip feed, but he was evicted from a Council property and I think that does complicate things if that is seen as making himself homeless.

That definitely complicates it

Has he said if he's got a plan?

Why can’t he contact shelter for advice? Has he done that?

OP, if he has large council tax and HMRC arrears, why is he buying himself wine? (Would be slightly different if he was buying it to share, as he might feel obliged to pay you back in some way - but clearly he doesn’t!)

And if he’s living with you and using your washing machine, water, gas and electric, internet, eating your food etc, what is he actually spending his salary on, and why hasn’t he put that towards paying back his council tax arrears in the last year?

Well his set up isn't viable long term, so he needs to get advice re how to move forward. He'll never get any kind of housing, if the authorities don't know he's effectively homeless.

If he was evicted from Council accommodation OP, then he really is the scum of the earth! Council's don't evict for no reason, he's brought this whole situation on himself, so when he starts with all his excuses, stand firm and get rid of him once and for all, you don't need people like this in your life!

Why was he evicted? The mind boggles!

Is he an alcoholic or something, OP? He seems dysfunctional if he’s being evicted from social housing and has debts etc? Maybe he needs to explore a diagnosis or help for mental health issues and support down that route which may help with getting him housed?

None of this is your problem. He's a massive CF and I doubt you'll get a shred of gratitude for everything you've done for him.