Cheeky fucker houseguest

[TheLargestToblerone]

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable overall, but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting because I’m pissed off.

DP has a friend who has been more or less homeless for nearly a year. The reason he was made homeless was not his fault, so I do have a lot of sympathy for him. He’s been sofa surfing or living in his car most of the time. But one option fell through and winter in his car is awful, so in October he asked to stay with us for a couple of days. And the next week a couple more days. And on. He’s moved a bed into our spare room. He asked about it, and I agreed, because otherwise he was on the sofa in the sitting room and it was a total PITA. But that was a mistake as now he seems to think it’s more permanent. He stayed four days last week. He asked to stay every day this week, but we said no. His work is sporadic and he doesn’t earn much, so we have never asked for money.

We feed him dinner, he showers here, he washes his clothes here and he’s never offered to contribute to anything. He brings wine for himself and offers none of it, and drinks ours when he doesn’t bring his own. He sits here eating tubs of chocolates and tubes of crisps and doesn’t offer any. He sits watching YT videos without headphones. He breathes though his mouth and sniffles endlessly without blowing his fucking nose. He washes up his own coffee cup each morning and leaves everything else. He doesn’t offer to help with anything, not cooking, not clearing away, not washing up.

I’m going to tell him to fuck off tomorrow a day early, but I don’t understand why people are like this? I would never stay at someone’s house and not even bother to walk my plate to the kitchen after I’ve been cooked dinner. He genuinely has nowhere else to go, so why would he not make sure he doesn’t lose that?

I am getting DP to tell him to take his bed with him tomorrow morning and that the maximum he will stay here in future is 1 night, and not every week. DP thinks that’s too harsh, and it is short notice for him to take the bed (which smells) with him. But I am fed up and want him and his stuff gone.

Tell him he's taking the piss and what anyone would expect in this situation.

I disagree being compassionate was a mistake. Boundaries aren't necessary until someone behaves poorly at which point it's useful to pick them up on it immediately.

Unless he has problems which prevent him from working, then he can apply for a room in a shared house. That won’t come for free and he will have some responsibilities.
In the shared house he has now, he has no bills, comes and goes as he pleases, no plans to do anything different, and doesn’t give a toss.
He is not a homeless person in a traditional sense. A person who does find themself without a home through no fault of their own would in no way behave like this.
This man has some level of resources and chooses to spend them on himself without thinking of what he costs others in every way.

@TheLargestToblerone you are being unreasonable by allowing him to stay anymore!! you have done your thankless stint. time for him to move on and stop taking the piss!

It isn’t clear where he is getting his money from OP , but wherever it is, job, savings etc the fact is that for a year he hasn’t had high living expenses, so should have been able to put money aside to go towards a deposit on a room in a shared house. He hasn’t done so I assume, which makes him a leeching cf of the first order.

Write him a clear letter saying why you want him to leave, with a list of how he has behaved badly, and what would be considered a normal response to being housed and fed by friends. You aren’t his Mum !
Eg You never help at all in the house, for instance you don’t even wash a cup that isn’t yours.
You don’t offer to share sweets or drinks yet help yourself to ours.
You watch YouTube with the sound up
etc etc.
Then point out that he is not your teenage son, he is an adult, unrelated to you.
I honestly think this is doing him a favour, or he will go on and on pissing people off and taking advantage and eventually he will have no friends left to call on for help when he really does need it.

That is not “your” problem.

You’ve been more than generous, and he’s taking advantage now, and obviously using your hospitality to save money. As a last resort he can get a Travelodge or a Premier Inn.
Time to ship up and shift out.

Is there not a middle way? Sit down and tell him / agree ground rules. If he can’t stick to them he goes? And put a timeline on it for him to figure out something else.

It takes ALOT to be evicted from a council property so it’s most likely his own doing.

Getting evicted from a council property is NOT easy.

Unless assessed as someone that the council has a duty of care towards (i.e. that they have "a priority need", e.g. a child, vulnerable adult, etc.) then they will probably not get a B&B - they might get a hostel bed if there's one available. UK councils are NOT automatically obliged to house UK adults.

Perhaps. But I think then she should maybe have raised these problems before reaching the end of her tether, don’t you!

having debts to council tax and HMRC won't matter when trying to get housing, if he owes rent arrears, the council will not house him again while those are outstanding. If he is struggling with finances, he needs to get debt advice from CAB, Stepchange etc, because if rent arrears were cleared, even if was by having them wiped with a DRO or bankruptcy, council will then possibly house him again. Most councils follow that policy. What part of the country are you in OP?

I believe she acknowledged that - the issue now is how to move forward based on what she has done, not should have done...

And I believe what she should do is give him adequate notice. To do otherwise would be unreasonable.

Anyone can apply for Universal Credit and housing element is part of total entitlement - but, in this person’s circumstances, they would only be entitled to 1 bed rate if over 35 otherwise it would be shared accommodation rate.

Housing benefit would only be applicable if it was emergency/temporary housing or if the person was over 65 and not entitled to claim UC.

If he says he wouldn’t be eligible due to rent arrears, he is lying. He wouldn’t be entitled to assistance in securing accommodation but would get help paying for it.

And I believe what she should do is give him adequate notice. To do otherwise would be unreasonable.

I am going to honour when I’ve said he can stay. Beyond that, as much of a mug as I have been, I disagree about giving him notice. I don’t need to give him any notice at all, since he doesn’t live here and we have no agreement that he can be here. If he had asked up front “Can I stay at yours x number of days a week” we would have had the opportunity to decline, or to offer an arrangement for him contributing/helping out. As it is it just escalated (my fault partly, I admit that) from “I have nowhere to go next Monday, can I stay?” and then on the Monday “Can I stay on Thursday and Saturday?” But him staying has always been on an ad hoc basis, so when he asks again we will just say “No.” That is adequate notice as far as I’m concerned. It’s the same notice as he’s been giving us.

I’ve acknowledged that getting him to take the bed with him immediately would be unreasonable, so we will give him time to take that away.

And yes, I should have pulled him up at the time on his shittery, but I didn't. I am not now going to teach an adult man how to behave in someone else's home. I think offering food and a roof over his head was quite enough without giving him etiquette lessons or including him in family life (!!!) as someone suggested.

Reading through this thread has helped me realise that I should have nipped this in the bud, and I’m going to sort it out. DP will probably go through the options suggested by pp here. And he has been talking to him about work, a future plan, and encouraging to get himself sorted out.

To address his work situation. He is self employed, which is why his work is sporadic. He is flogging a dead horse with his business, but he is desperate not to give up on it. DP has talked this over with him A LOT, but he is clinging to the delusion that he can turn things around, when he now just needs to get a job.

To be fair I think that's reasonable, I wouldn't just kick someone out the same day - but I would not be giving them long either.
One Mumsnet respondent thought that the local council would provide temporary accommodation if they presented as homeless - having worked in local government housing, as I thought, there is no obligation to a non priority applicant. So they would potentially be on the street.

Quite honestly, after the way he's taken the kind hospitality of the OP, and her DH for granted, and given nothing in return, the street is where he deserves to be! What's that saying? Oh yes, there's no such thing as a free lunch! If he wanted to stay there, and be welcomed back when he needed shelter, he should have bent over backwards to be a good house guest, but he didn't, he took the piss, and STILL can't see that a business which only gives him work occasionally isn't working, so won't go out of his way to get a job. Most people in this situation would be willing to do ANY job, if it meant that they could pay for a roof over their head, but he obviously thinks it's his God given right, without putting in any effort whatsoever! Some people just simply won't help themselves, and he's clearly one of them.

Little chores here and there?

I’d expect him to be doing a full weekly house clean whilst living rent free and using your water, heating and wine!

I wouldn't, you don't need to expect a slave in return for staying. An equal share would be enough. I also wouldn't want him doing all the laundry and fishing through my pants!

This sort of guy is always self-employed because it's unlikely anyone would employ him. It's not a coincidence that being self-employed means less work for him than working for someone else nine till five.

It was a huge mistake letting him bring his bed in to your house. Having said that I wouldn't want him sleeping on the sofa either.

He should've been pulled up on everything right from the word go. He's really taking advantage of you both.

YANBU. He is a CF. I sympathise with his situation, but Christ, if I was freeloading at someone’s house I’d be bending over backwards to do the chores, cook, clean, whatever I could do to help if I couldn’t contribute financially.

Is this a repeat thread? I'm sure I read this last week?