Cheeky fucker houseguest

[TheLargestToblerone]

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable overall, but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting because I’m pissed off.

DP has a friend who has been more or less homeless for nearly a year. The reason he was made homeless was not his fault, so I do have a lot of sympathy for him. He’s been sofa surfing or living in his car most of the time. But one option fell through and winter in his car is awful, so in October he asked to stay with us for a couple of days. And the next week a couple more days. And on. He’s moved a bed into our spare room. He asked about it, and I agreed, because otherwise he was on the sofa in the sitting room and it was a total PITA. But that was a mistake as now he seems to think it’s more permanent. He stayed four days last week. He asked to stay every day this week, but we said no. His work is sporadic and he doesn’t earn much, so we have never asked for money.

We feed him dinner, he showers here, he washes his clothes here and he’s never offered to contribute to anything. He brings wine for himself and offers none of it, and drinks ours when he doesn’t bring his own. He sits here eating tubs of chocolates and tubes of crisps and doesn’t offer any. He sits watching YT videos without headphones. He breathes though his mouth and sniffles endlessly without blowing his fucking nose. He washes up his own coffee cup each morning and leaves everything else. He doesn’t offer to help with anything, not cooking, not clearing away, not washing up.

I’m going to tell him to fuck off tomorrow a day early, but I don’t understand why people are like this? I would never stay at someone’s house and not even bother to walk my plate to the kitchen after I’ve been cooked dinner. He genuinely has nowhere else to go, so why would he not make sure he doesn’t lose that?

I am getting DP to tell him to take his bed with him tomorrow morning and that the maximum he will stay here in future is 1 night, and not every week. DP thinks that’s too harsh, and it is short notice for him to take the bed (which smells) with him. But I am fed up and want him and his stuff gone.

I don't think it's because you have no tolerance. You have perfectly acceptable boundaries and most people would feel the same in that situation even the ones who pretend otherwise .

I already asked but no reply. What does he do when you are both at work all day?

He takes himself out of the house during the day. If he doesn't have work I think he sits in a cafe (probably being a CF there with one coffee for hours) for big chunks of it. I work from home, so he at least has some self awareness about that.

healthybychristmas · Today 07:00

This sort of guy is always self-employed because it's unlikely anyone would employ him. It's not a coincidence that being self-employed means less work for him than working for someone else nine till five.

@healthybychristmas I read your comment to my self employed husband, he works hard and puts in long hours. I won't post his reply. Not all self employed people are wasters

I'm sure @healthybychristmas did not intend to imply that ALL self-employed people are wasters. But wasters will try to disguise themselves, and being self-employed allows them the camouflage that working for others can never provide.

(My DH was also self-employed.)

I wouldn't give him notice as he isnt going to find a permanent address anytime soon

Get him out now. Say you dont want a freeloader hanging on all the time

Lazy sod

He's a C

Sooooo....not "this sort of guy" then?

You're a Saint for putting up with him for so long..... but now it's Bye Stinky!!!

His work may be sporadic op but he can still claim for benefits if he's making less than what he'd get on them. He needs to contact a citizens advice service urgently and request help claiming all that he's entitled to and possibly take on a part time job to tide himself over. He also needs to link in with a homeless support service to help get himself back on the housing list. If that doesn't work he needs to get a house share and make sure he's keeping himself right with benefits to cover the rent.

There are things he can do to get back on track here even if they're hard, but he's choosing to rely on other people instead to avoid accountability. I think I'd offer him to stay on x y z days but he needs to go with your dp to appointments with the above services to set himself back up and then that's it. No more free board.

He won't try to get anywhere else because he's "free loading" he's had long enough to save money even if he dosnt earn a lot, why buy wine and chocolates anyway, if he saved his money he'd have more chance of finding somewhere to live. 1) he should have been to council and declared himself homeless.
2) he should see if he can top wages up with benefits.
3) he should grow up and take responsibility for himself.
Tell him to go to citizens advice and sort himself out, he's not your responsibility.

I suggested that including him in family life would have been a way to be empathetic. Which you were claiming to be.

You were helping out someone connected to you in a way that didn't hurt you too much until it hurt you more than you wanted it to. You've housed him and resented it. I'm not suggesting you are obliged to have done anything different. The vast majority of us would probably have done the same or less. Letting him stay as much as you did was still kind and a boon for him. I was just pointing out there was no actual empathy there.

Hard to understand how he can buy chocolate and wine if he is SO hard up!
He needs to go.... and not come back...

If you lie down long enough.. people will use you as a carpet...

Give him the boot and get your life back

This, unfortunately the UK's population is becoming infested like a cancer with these types of people (no I am not talking about immigrants, the native population are pretty dreadful in places), and they will continue as long as there are no internalised consequences.

You're not being unreasonable but couldn't you or your husband lay down the ground rules... point out all the things you've just pointed out here?

I'm torn. Your reaction is totally understandable, but he probably doesn't have a clue how annoying he's being and once you've chucked him out his friendship with DP is wrecked. Maybe an honest talk first, with DP there, setting out some clear boundaries going forward, along the lines of maximum nights a week, not eating/drinking your stuff, and sharing in general clean-up. Then, if he can't stick to these, he's gone?

He can still present as homeless and be treated accordingly. Many who present as homeless have been evicted from social housing of one sort or another.

Hi OP ..
You & your husband have been very kind to this man, & he clearly is just out for himself & not appreciative at all, or else he wouldn’t be carrying on the way he is ..
Your husband needs to ask him what is his plan going forward as obviously he can’t live with ye ( which is what is happening) ..
Ye want yr home back to yrselves …
End of ..
You have been more than kind to him x

There are only two reasons you get evicted from a council property, not paying rent or causing antisocial behaviour. It's incredibly hard to evict someone in social housing as the pre-action protocol is pretty tough and has a lot of support requirements the council would need to offer before even putting it to the courts.

He's clearly not being truthful in why he was evicted, he is now intentionally homeless so won't be entitled to access social housing again.

Just get him out, rip the plaster off

This has dragged on long enough.

You have completely misinterpreted what the pp was saying.

I do know he is being truthful about this, and a couple of other people have pointed out how hard it is to lose social housing, and I agree that it is. He's married. He and his wife were joint tenants. She was convicted of a crime, and the nature of it meant they were evicted.

He's married. He and his wife were joint tenants.

Sounds like he expected his wife did all the household work & reminded him of ordinary normal social niceties and consideration of others.

She was convicted of a crime, and the nature of it meant they were evicted.

Would one council tenant being convicted of a crime REALLY result in the other, blameless, tenant being convicted? That seems extremely unlikely.