Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

[Donala]

I am and I struggle. The relationship offers so much more to me than so many of my friends’ relationships. We are financially very secure, have a wonderful 5 year old DS, I work but don’t have to, we get on and share similar values, we laugh together. We do have intimacy with cuddles and some kissing and lying on the bed watching tv there’s massages and closeness. But I can’t remember the last time he touched me. He has always been a bit like this, obviously we have had sex before and it was good, but it was nearly always me initiating it. If I made a big fuss about it now then he probably would do it or do some other things but I have given up doing that as it makes me feel like I’ve demanded it. I’ve told him all of this. He says he wants to build up to it. He’s been saying that for about three years. We are early forties. I’ve asked him to go to counselling, wondered if he’s gay, etc etc but I think ultimately he’s just not that bothered about it. He used to enjoy blow jobs but I stopped that a year or so ago as it felt shit to not have it reciprocated. He’s fine with not having them and would never ask for it. I looked at dating profiles during a low moment last week and I genuinely couldn’t see anyone I would want to even meet for a drink. I know I have a good relationship other than this but some weeks the lack of sex affects me more than others. Anyone ended something over this? I think I would regret it. My friends I have confided in also said they don’t even have sex that often (one a month or so) and then I feel I should just enjoy the relationship I have.

I can't say I think it's that helpful to OP to discuss the complexities of human sexuality in terms of the reproductive instincts of selected examples from the animal kingdom.

IME

Showing affection but not indulging in sex within a relationship could be

1, manipulative
2, the one that is affectionate but not sexual is asexual or a version of asexuality
3, Sexuality has changed or been faked previously.
4, no libido because of something psychological but still needs connection. I.e. working long hours and no time or inclination to indulge or it's quicker to get a fix from watching porn. Or now that the family is formed, the dynamic is one of mother and father role and not sex partners.
5, no libido because of something physical (medical) hormone change, tiredness because of long hours or vitamin deficiency. Age.

There are probably others too

There was one other that I forgot.

When the response from the other partner was subdued whilst in the act. In other words no instant feedback from their efforts. I once dated a japanese girl and their reaction to sex is to act shy and not respond to touch even though they may be enjoying it. They have a name for it in Japan. "tuna" she just lays there like a fish. No wonder the sexless marriage rate in Japan is 60%.

So lack of enthusiasm from one of the people.

Neither of us has a high sex drive. Literally, once a year, or even less. Neither of us are bothered. We are intimate in other ways - cuddles, kisses etc. We are best friends, tell each other everything, have really long, deep discussions. Sometimes we lie awake talking and we realise it's 4am and we've been talking for 5 hours! Sex isn't the be all and end all, BUT you have to be on the same page about it.

It's not the lack of sex that spoils a relationship, but the lack of agreement on how much you both want it.

With any thread that has more than a handful of posts you get sidetracks and things can branch off from the original post by the OP. If you were to take out every post that wasn't directly relevant and helpful to the OP then there would be little left. In any case, if you have a lot of posts the OP isn't necessarily reading them all. Few people have time. The thread therefore has a life of its own. Since you clearly think such posts are unhelpful and a waste of space, why waste your time saying so?

Who said it was a waste of my time? (All 25 seconds of it.) The OP is hurting and you're entertaining us all with your extrapolations from the animal kingdom. If she's thinking "how the fuck does this help me?" it might help her to know that she's not the only one. Perhaps you also think divorce should be abolished because swans mate for life?

I wasn't entertaining you. I was talking to another poster, who had made some good points, and in turn thought that I had also made some good points. I've never mentioned divorce or swans. So, you don't like my posts. There are some posts on MN that I don't like, but I don't feel moved to attack the posters.

I remember seeing a study that, on average, the male sex drive will remain relatively consistent, while the female drive usually drops after their 30s. This is MN, so invariably the blame will be placed on men, not doing enough housework is a favourite, but then it becomes conditional and as far from 'love' as I can see it being.

I'm there too. I need to suggest it, otherwise it doesn't happen. If it does, it's done with an air of "I have to do this to maintain the marriage." So obviously I don't push.

It's not the sex per se, it's the rejection. To all those people saying they made the choice and their husband just went along with it (what other choice did he have!), if every time you went to hug him he said no, that's how it feels. It's a tricky one because no-one should be made to do anything they don't want to do, but if the other is feeling rejected every day, that's absolutely soul destroying, and not a life they probably want to lead. In the end, people stay just for family harmony or loyalty rather than happiness.

The other option is to leave, but have you seen the trashy alternatives out there?!

The other option is to leave, but have you seen the trashy alternatives out there?!

A few people, including the OP iirc, have mentioned the dearth of decent options out there for new relationships. Having come out the other side of a more or less sexless relationship, my experience is that it stops mattering once you make the decision to leave. I used to worry that I'd never have decent sex again if I left and then found I couldn't find a new relationship, but then realised that I'd probably never have decent sex again if I stayed either! The truth is that there's no loneliness like the loneliness you feel when you're in a failing relationship. Being on your own is far less painful ime.

You put it so well ! I so agree.