Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

[Donala]

I am and I struggle. The relationship offers so much more to me than so many of my friends’ relationships. We are financially very secure, have a wonderful 5 year old DS, I work but don’t have to, we get on and share similar values, we laugh together. We do have intimacy with cuddles and some kissing and lying on the bed watching tv there’s massages and closeness. But I can’t remember the last time he touched me. He has always been a bit like this, obviously we have had sex before and it was good, but it was nearly always me initiating it. If I made a big fuss about it now then he probably would do it or do some other things but I have given up doing that as it makes me feel like I’ve demanded it. I’ve told him all of this. He says he wants to build up to it. He’s been saying that for about three years. We are early forties. I’ve asked him to go to counselling, wondered if he’s gay, etc etc but I think ultimately he’s just not that bothered about it. He used to enjoy blow jobs but I stopped that a year or so ago as it felt shit to not have it reciprocated. He’s fine with not having them and would never ask for it. I looked at dating profiles during a low moment last week and I genuinely couldn’t see anyone I would want to even meet for a drink. I know I have a good relationship other than this but some weeks the lack of sex affects me more than others. Anyone ended something over this? I think I would regret it. My friends I have confided in also said they don’t even have sex that often (one a month or so) and then I feel I should just enjoy the relationship I have.

Your original post pretty much describes my situation. 8 years together, really solid relationship in all other aspects except the sex is pretty non existent. We share hobbies, we love spending time together, there is intimacy and cuddles and kissing, but sex is a rarity. We are mid 30s so I found this really difficult for a long time, I was the only one initiating, often turned down and seemingly have a much higher sex drive. It has been a problem throughout and after torturing myself with is he gay, does he not fancy me etc I pushed the issue. Turns out he has erectile dysfunction and was occasionally taking viagra when we he thought sex was on the cards. He won't speak to the GP about it or engage in counselling, and I suspect also that he's just not that into it. The shame is he's actually really good at oral sex but only does it if I ask explicitly which kills the spontaneity a bit. I've kind of come to terms with accepting it because apart from this issue it's the most loving, supportive, fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. But it does cause some tension / resentment I feel.

Not me but my best male childhood friend.
Met a girl , told her he had no huge interest in sex, loved affection and kissing, didn't want kids etc.
she always wanted kids and was very sexual according to him but said she was ok with all of that as she adores him. She says she's on contraception. They have sex a couple of times per year for her, he says.. he finds it all repulsive so says it's over before it begins.
She gets pregnant. He's horrified but now a very happy dad. They're still together. They get engaged, live together etc.
god knows how it will all end. He adores his kid . Talks about her all day long but never his partner . All a bit odd .
I think it's a sad story tbh. Make
Of it what you will.

Same with my ex, except I left him and he came out 10 years later. He was only in his mid 20s and just "wasn't into sex". Met DH and he's the opposite; 11 years on and it's still a daily thing. He's 40 and I'm 35. At the start of my relationship with DH, I couldn't get over the difference. To be crude, I could have presented myself legs akimbo to my ex and he'd have told me his big toe hurt so he wasn't up to it. Soul destroying. Obviously, he was suffering too but that doesn't make it any easier to remember.

OP, I absolutely could not live like this. Sex is a form of intimacy for many, many people and without it a relationship feels platonic. Your DH says he's "building up to it", but makes it clear he actually isn't. Obviously I'd say go through medical tests first, etc., but I'd be willing to bet my horse that he wouldn't go through with them because he isn't willing to change. This set up works for him. There could be many reasons: genuine low libido, low testosterone, he's gay or bi leaning towards men, he's a porn addict, he has some weird hidden fetish. All sorts.

But he isn't talking and he isn't exactly doing anything to make things better. I genuinely couldn't live like that. You've got so many years ahead of you, do you want to spend them feeling undesired? It's okay for some people to say sex doesn't matter to them - but it obviously does to you. This is upsetting you and weighing you down. I'd cut loose in your position.

@LeafofLorien thanks for sharing. Yes I don’t like asking for oral as it’s painful to be turned down but also ruins the moment. I really don’t think dh is gay but I do wonder if he has some issues relating to sex. He’s a very formal sort of person and not particularly one to just let go. Historically we have always had sex when he’s been drunk as that’s when he’s been more into it. But I think basically he just doesn’t need it to be happy in a relationship, it’s not that important to him. I wish he would talk in a mature way about it but he just makes excuses to kick the issue down the road. I think that’s what upsets me most, that he can’t even be honest about what the issue is.

I know someone should never be made to ah e sex if they don’t want it. But in this situation it always seems so unbalanced…’the one who doesn’t want sex fully gets what they want, whilst the other person has celibacy forced onto them without their consent to that.

Its awful really.

@LeafofLorien that is so sad . What jumps out is his absolute refusal to
Try, even try to rectify it. The truth is that he doesn't care enough and expects you to accept this despite commiting to a loving sexual relationship .
It is beyond selfish and no excuse in the world could allow me to accept that he would even try to access support or investigations
That's not an amazing relationship. That's wholly one sided .

I think if there weren't so many other wonderful things about the relationship I'd be inclined to agree and it would be a hard line from me for a breakup. But I've had many long term relationships, some where the sex was great and the closeness/emotional bond otherwise was not great. And having seen several options, even if I'm not overall happy with the sex situation this level of companionship is more important and valuable to me.

@LeafofLorien this is how I feel. I don’t think I would have all the other qualities in someone else. And having had a browse of what’s out there I couldn’t even see anyone I would want to even sit and have a drink with let alone a relationship

@LeafofLorien I guess it is you that needs to accept it. It depends what's important so if you can overlook that selfishness and are happy, then who is to say otherwise, myself included ! Best of luck to you ❤️

It's so difficult isn't it, we are both very introverted and get burned out socialising but in each other's company can relax and talk all day and not run out of things to discuss. Our world views / values match and we share similar passions and hobbies. He has supported me through a degree and career change when I wanted to give up, he has supported me through my lowest mental health period seeing me go off sick for 6 months and hit rock bottom and slowly pick myself up. He did all the cooking/cleaning/housework during that time while I mostly rested and did counselling. So it's easy for people to say break up when they don't see all the other important qualities, unfortunately it is more complex than that usually. There's honestly nobody I'd rather spend my time with, no its not perfect and that particular issue does make me a bit sad and frustrated.

I loved the qualities of my ex, too. He was funny, kind, considerate in all ways apart from sex. Generous, clever. Genuinely a really nice man, and I'm still friends with him now!

I met DH unexpectedly, amusingly introduced via his ex girlfriend (who was his ex at the time too!), who was a friend of mine. I wasn't looking, and he'd never have been the type to put himself on a dating site. On the other hand, my best friend met her DH on a dating site and they've been together 9 years! She managed to find one decent bloke out of the hundreds of idiots.

You can't know what your future holds. What I do know is that if I'd stayed with my ex, met DH and ignored him (don't believe in love at first sight, but my God we fell fast and hard. I don't think we were apart more than two days from that first meeting for months), I'd have forever regretted it. I would have known I was letting something special slide away. (I'd been broken up with ex way before meeting DH. No overlap or cheating involved.)

Not saying that's going to happen to you. It might not. But you don't know, and tying yourself to one man who isn't fulfilling you in the ways you need automatically means you'll certainly never know if there's anyone else out there who ticks the boxes you need; sexually and as a long term companion.

@LeafofLorien To me he sounds like an amazing brother or best friend and I guess that's the difference between a sexual relationship and none. There are so many women who would give their left arm for this and when it ultimately works for you and you're happy to live out your life like this , then there is no issue !

I told my bf that the Job Description of Boyfriend includes sex. He needs to do the job properly or he might get the sack.

It's a compromise for sure. But yeah it can be like living with your bestie a lot of the time.

I completely know where you’re coming from, I’m in a similar relationship. I love my husband, he’s caring and shows me affection all the time, but I can’t really remember the last time we had sex. We used to be pretty regular, and we have two kids so I know it slows down. And I also hate bringing it up, because it is always me, and I really don’t want to sound like a sex pest. And he will not talk about it. He sort of retreats and just insists that he loves me. I feel ashamed that it’s part of my ego. I used to (and still do) attract a lot of attention. It hurts to feel undesired by my husband.

@KittyWindbag how do you cope with the reluctance to give a proper answer to it? That’s the bit I find makes me feel angry. I am upset at the rejection but I would feel respected if he actually opened up and explained it. I also get attention and know objectively I’m not unattractive, but it still feels shit when you’re not desirable to your dh

Don't be tempted, from experience I can say you'll regret it. I lost the most beautiful man after 21 years in pursuit of a handful of senseless one night stands in the middle of those years. Like yours I thought he'd lost his appetite for it and for me. I was so wrong. There's a book I can't recommend highly enough, 'Hot Monogamy' which you MUST read together. I wish we'd discovered it years earlier. Sadly my ex recommended it to me years after our relationship ended, after he'd been counselling and I was seeing someone else. Just reading it I discovered so much about our differences that I'd wished I'd realised when we were together.

I'll sign off by saying I miss him so much. Don't make the same mistake as me.

If he keeps saying he "wants to build up to it", do you think it's a mental block that he just keeps pushing away to address at some future point that never comes? If he's been more receptive after drinking could you suggest a date night say in a few weeks? And add in a couple of drinks to help the way? If nothing else it'd give you an indication of if it's definitely all off the table or not?

Similar boat. Having read so many threads of cheating partners who seem to have ‘normal’, not even hyper sex drives - the risk of throwing away something pretty good for the chance of meeting someone who wants as much sex as you, but won’t live up to your current partner in all the other aspects is too great for me I think. If they really like having sex then that is a priority for them, and the higher the chances of somebody else catching their eye at work/ down the pub/ at a hobby etc or them eventually getting bored with just sex with you and them slipping into online cheating etc.

There are pros and cons. Sex is important in a lot of ways, but a man (or woman) that ticks all the boxes is so rare. Especially the older you get. Many women believe they have found that man only to start a thread on here saying how they’ve been told their partner of 5/10/20 years says they’re suddenly unhappy, or they have found them messaging a new female ‘friend’ rather a lot and are at their wits end.

Not all men cheat. But not all men are loving husbands and have all the other qualities your husband has do they. You could leave him then find yourself suffering from the grotesque encounters of OLD, which are so colourfully described on here, or a man with bad habits and excess baggage from previous relationships that you’ve now got to put up with. Your partner could find someone else who is quite happy to forego sex in return for a living relationship and you will be faced with this each time he has the children staying with him/them. How would you feel?

These are all ifs but are really important to consider as they will affect your life and child/children’s future. I guess it’s how highly you prioritise sex and how highly each of you prioritises your own and the other’s happiness and well being as to whether you can remain happily in a relationship together going forward - How much effort he is willing to make and how much of a compromise you are.

An ethical open relationship is an option, as is a health check, which he can’t object to, and would at least rule certain obstacles out.

Good luck, OP, I hope it works out for you 💐

Don't throw your relationship away over this when you only have a few more years of having a libido of any significance. You won't find anyone else and in ten years time you'll be facing the rest of your life alone.

How do you know she’s only got “a few years libido left”? And even if that’s the case why should she be sexually frustrated? Peri or menopause is not the death knell for most people’s sex lives!

@Donala

if I didn’t always initiate then we’d never have sex.When we have sex we both enjoy it . We’re been together 25 yrs .and it’s always been this way.

The difference is I am a man and i believe that the patriarchy conditions us that our scenario is fine. It does however get me down sometimes but having been on MN for a while I don’t think it effects men as much as it does the other way around as we’re inherently more selfish.

society tells women that you should be wanted and desired more than it does for men but if you want more sex just ask for it . With the towel scenario should just have said are you going to shag me then? He either would of or given a better answer than kicking down the rd.

Have you or him read any books. We read mind the gap, come as you are and mating in captivity. My wife didn’t suddenly become spontaneous but they helped us understand our dynamic better and increased understanding lead to better sex. Wish we’d have done that sooner

What’s he talking about... Building up to sex? You’re married not newly dating so why can’t the kissing and cuddles be a natural way to instigate sex?

I would not live my life like this for anyone.

Been there, 5 years together and in the end I couldn't take it, it IS jmportant

I left my marriage of 15 years for this reason last year. It was maybe simpler than your situation as we had no children (primarily due to the lack of sex). However, it was still the hardest decision I've ever made, as he really was my best friend and we had a nice, cozy life together with a lot of laughter and I hated how much pain the separation caused him.

However a year on and I don't regret my decision. I've realised if he cared about me as much as he said, he would have been prepared to try counselling, seeing a GP etc to try and resolve. He was also happy for our friends and family to think that our "infertility" was due to medical issues with me, rather than his inability to have sex. If he'd even been able to articulate what the issue was, I might have been able to work around it, but the feelings of rejection and being undesirable were just too much to live with.

Honestly, it's been a revelation, I enjoy living on my own, I have time and energy for friendships, I have a new boyfriend where the sex is fun and light and although I don't think he's going to be the love of my life, it feels so nice to be desired and sex be enjoyable and playful again.

I've realised that a lot of what stopped me doing it sooner was fear, but actually being alone is more peaceful than living with the unanswered question as to why my husband didn't want to have sex with me.