Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

[Donala]

I am and I struggle. The relationship offers so much more to me than so many of my friends’ relationships. We are financially very secure, have a wonderful 5 year old DS, I work but don’t have to, we get on and share similar values, we laugh together. We do have intimacy with cuddles and some kissing and lying on the bed watching tv there’s massages and closeness. But I can’t remember the last time he touched me. He has always been a bit like this, obviously we have had sex before and it was good, but it was nearly always me initiating it. If I made a big fuss about it now then he probably would do it or do some other things but I have given up doing that as it makes me feel like I’ve demanded it. I’ve told him all of this. He says he wants to build up to it. He’s been saying that for about three years. We are early forties. I’ve asked him to go to counselling, wondered if he’s gay, etc etc but I think ultimately he’s just not that bothered about it. He used to enjoy blow jobs but I stopped that a year or so ago as it felt shit to not have it reciprocated. He’s fine with not having them and would never ask for it. I looked at dating profiles during a low moment last week and I genuinely couldn’t see anyone I would want to even meet for a drink. I know I have a good relationship other than this but some weeks the lack of sex affects me more than others. Anyone ended something over this? I think I would regret it. My friends I have confided in also said they don’t even have sex that often (one a month or so) and then I feel I should just enjoy the relationship I have.

We had a good sex life till we got older. Got together at 29 and 30 had children and had a lot of sex for 20 years. I then had a lot of gynae issues and had to have an op plus menopause. It’s infrequent now but mainly because of my health issues, and post menopause my libido did drop, plus children became young adults and still at home which also causes an issue as we like to have the house to ourselves I am close to 60 now. When we were on hols last year, we were at it hammer and tongs.

We cuddle every night, still hold hands when we walk along and laugh a lot. My sex drive was always stronger than DH and I tended to initiate. He very much needs to be invited as he is very polite.

no it isn't just a friendship. nobody kisses their friends, unless it's just a peck on the cheek and nobody sleeps in same bed as a friend.

I ended my 15 year relationship due to this issue.

👆

I have been in this situation for 16 years (since kids were born). Really great and supportive partner but not interested in sex. It still happens occasionally but that feels out of habit/obligation. I have only recently realised I’ve dealt with it through a string of emotional affairs, so although I feel I’m coping, I think this is because I’m no longer emotionally invested. I don’t feel angry though, because I don’t think he can help how he feels. I don’t want someone to make an effort to have sex with me, I want then to genuinely feel that desire for closeness and intimacy. I have no plans to leave because everything else is good. I’m also not prepared to accept I’ll never have a fulfilling sex life again. Not exactly sure how to square that circle.

Thanks for sharing this it's really helpful. I had actually never considered that asking for / suggesting sex is socially normalised more for men than women. This is a useful perspective.

The trouble with this approach, in my opinion, can be summed up by the bathroom analogy:

Is the bathroom the most important room in your house? Probably not.

But

would you want to live in a house with no bathroom?

Suddenly, the bathroom seems like the most important room, at least to me, and, I suspect, the OP.

It’s not sustainable in my opinion. You may be ok for a few years but eventually you’ll have had enough.

but surely the children don't know if their parents are having sex!

I think you need to be completely honest about how you feel. Tell him you are considering leaving and lay all your cards on the table.

You explained eloquence above that the issue has evolved somewhat from lack sex into lack of respect due to his unwillingness to discuss the issue.
Have you said that to him? I think he needs to really understand that his failure to discuss the issue poses a real threat to your marriage but the lack of sex doesn't.

The fact that he'll accept a blowjob without any interest in reciprocating would make me feel like I was an OK choice to "service " him once in a while.
Is he using pornography? It's becoming a scourge, responsible for so many dead bedrooms. The man uses all kinds of excuses to avoid actual, physical sex, and it turns out to be a pornography "addiction ".
Worth thinking about unfortunately.

Get him to do a hormone test, maybe his testosterone is low? My DH went on tribulis for fitness reasons but his libido was through the roof.

Have you googled the dangers of Tribulis?

Tbh my libido returned once I came off the pill at 45 and now once again post menopause since gynae issues have disappeared, so I am not sure that the above is true for everyone.

Edited to say that I think I would leave your ds overnight with a relative and take your DH to a hotel. And either go for it or at least have an open discussion.

I am but I'm so happy there are so many more things in life than sex.

Nobody has it all. It's the best relationship I've ever had and the longest.......

He's lovely, caring, kind, works hard, adores me. We just work.😘

You don't have to give in to every temptation.
Also they may be sexual compatible but you have to get on outside the bedroom too.
So you have to think about it.

As large women, both me and my partner just enjoy cuddles and kissing. We have explored other means of stimulation but on the whole we love each other and are happy without going in too deep…..Anyway too much excitement tires us out!!

I have been reading AIBU for about 8 years and I can't say I recognise this at all as something said repeatedly here?

We don't do it as often as we used to but I would hate to not do it at all..

He adores you but doesn't want sex with you

I would not stay in this relationship. I have no issues with open relationships; I have considered one on and off over the years myself. However, I would not stay in a relationship with someone who would happily have sex with other people but absolutely no desire for me at all. What’s the point in being together? Does this not make you sad?

As I said, I’m all for open relationships and they really can work. But in your case, I just don’t see the point, I just leave and find someone who desires you and provides decent companionship.

OP, my husband has occasionally been like your husband over the years. It’s better now because I’ve been very upfront and open with him about how his lack of interest (only once or twice a month) was making me feel. I think having the confidence to say something completely changed things. I hope you can fix this.

I don't want to project, but just briefly I would really caution anyone who feels their partner is their soulmate in every respect - similar worldview, similar values, similar interests, similar opinions - except that genuine, spontaneous intimacy is a problem, to look more closely at the possibility that they were love bombed at the beginning of the relationship by someone with an abusive agenda longer term, because this is classic. Almost all relationships with covert narcissists share these factors.

This is more common than people think. I have 4 friends who experience this in their marriages. For 3/4 it's the man that doesn't want intimacy and was never really interested. In their early days of relationship those 3/4 say their husband was willing to have sex maybe once a month but never initiated. The other one had an active sex life but she went off sex b/c after they had their first dc he was just never helpful nor acted like a partner and their connection fizzled out - they are the only couple where it led to divorce and she initiated that interestingly, not him. All the couples are in their 40's 3/4 had children by having sex, but one had to use IUI due to their inability to have sex enough to address infertility etc. He basically said there was no way he could have sex several times a month to conceive and their fertility clinic said their fertility was rapidly declining, so they went for IUI. Only one of those couples has had sex in the last 5 years, and for that couple sex is basically a once a year thing.

Good luck.

The point is that we love each other more than anything.
I would rather do everything from folding washing to travelling the world with him.

We laugh in bed until we cry over silly things and in the next breath we are debating current affairs.

He is so kind to my mother who suffers with mental illness, encouraging her to stay for months at a time and he does things like get up at 5 am to take her to see different sunrises.

We have stood by each other's side through various illnesses and have seen each other at our worst.

There is no one on this planet I would rather do life with.

So yes, we have sex with other people once a month. The other 28 plus days, we are together, experiencing a beautiful relationship.

I respect your opinion, but I couldn't give a toss that we are sexually incompatible when every single other aspect of our lives makes me feel incredibly lucky.

You can love someone, you can be in love with someone, you can also be attracted to someone and the sex just not work out for various reasons. Could be kinks, could be trauma, could be anything.

The choice we have made works amazingly for us, and has done for years now.