Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

[Donala]

I am and I struggle. The relationship offers so much more to me than so many of my friends’ relationships. We are financially very secure, have a wonderful 5 year old DS, I work but don’t have to, we get on and share similar values, we laugh together. We do have intimacy with cuddles and some kissing and lying on the bed watching tv there’s massages and closeness. But I can’t remember the last time he touched me. He has always been a bit like this, obviously we have had sex before and it was good, but it was nearly always me initiating it. If I made a big fuss about it now then he probably would do it or do some other things but I have given up doing that as it makes me feel like I’ve demanded it. I’ve told him all of this. He says he wants to build up to it. He’s been saying that for about three years. We are early forties. I’ve asked him to go to counselling, wondered if he’s gay, etc etc but I think ultimately he’s just not that bothered about it. He used to enjoy blow jobs but I stopped that a year or so ago as it felt shit to not have it reciprocated. He’s fine with not having them and would never ask for it. I looked at dating profiles during a low moment last week and I genuinely couldn’t see anyone I would want to even meet for a drink. I know I have a good relationship other than this but some weeks the lack of sex affects me more than others. Anyone ended something over this? I think I would regret it. My friends I have confided in also said they don’t even have sex that often (one a month or so) and then I feel I should just enjoy the relationship I have.

I had this issue after having our baby. For a year I have had zero interest in sex to the point I feel bad for my partner. I’m hoping once the hormones balance out and re breastfeeding stops completely that my libido will return, but it is distressing knowing that something inside you does not want sex at all ( especially as our sex drive matched before and was high).

I agree with PP that say that the issue is the mismatched libido. If it’s important to you then you need to have the conversation - although it is hard as I have found it very difficult to explain my why to my partner - he understand because I’ve had a baby. But I’m getting to the point where there may be more. Your partner may be aware of his low sex drive - if he knows that yours is high, he may be aware that it’s affecting you. Maybe he might be in a position to work towards fixing it - even if it takes a few therapy sessions or a deep chat.

Another one with a sexless relationship.

We’re together 7 years, both have children from previous relationships so have a busy household. Sex stopped 3 years ago. I tried so many times during the first two years to initiate it but he wasn’t interested. Any time I brought it up I was given a different excuse. Then I told him I wasn’t going to initiate it anymore because I couldn’t cope with the rejection. I thought about going elsewhere for sex but ultimately I didn’t do it.

Then out of the blue about 6 weeks ago it started up again and it’s as amazing as it always was. I asked for an explanation and again got a different excuse so I’m in a position that I can’t trust that it’s going to stop again so I’m finding it difficult to let myself go and really enjoy it. The one thing that changed lately was that I changed jobs and I’m in a job where there’s a large number of male employees, whereas before I worked primary with females. So perhaps some insecurity on his part now. I don’t understand it.

An emotional affair is as damaging as a physical affair, worse even. You may as well just have sex with them.

I don't think sex can be compartmentalised to the extent you're making it, I don't think (in most cases) no sex but everything else is great, is realistic. Sex is intimacy, it's a fundamental part of a relationship, it's what differentiates it from every other relationship in your life.

What I mean to say, I doubt the rest of the relationship is as good as you think/are saying, no sex impacts a whole relationship, it can't be compartmentalised.

I agree with this.

The biggest issues with the discussions and everything about sex is that (for me at least) it kind of defeats the purpose of sex.

Sex is about desire, lust, attraction, passion, connection, fun, spontaneity. That's the core part of it. Having to have a full on discussion and talk your partner into having sex with you kind of defeats it's purpose
Then even if having the open discussion and putting your point across and sex happening, you know in the back of your mind it's only happening because you talked them into it.

I mean knowing your partner wants to have sex with you, but can't due to having young kids in the bed still or being on your period, or working away is one thing. You can of course discuss to say 'we'll get a baby sitter Saturday night'. In the full knowing it's purely logistical issues but your both 100% down and you know your partners going to be excited for it despite being planned.
It's a whole different ballgame arranging a babysitter knowing your partner despite having the opportunity will decline if given the choice or if they do it, probably did it before because they felt obliged or it was discussed and expected. Not because they've taken one look at your and thought 'i want to rip their clothes off!'

Sex is an instinct. Driven by hormones and lust. Having to talk, compromise and negotiate your own spouse into having a sexual relationship with you is soul destroying. It defeats the purpose.

If there is still intimacy that is something, but if there is no intimacy then that is concerning.

@TheFoz one thing I know is true about dh is that he only springs into action (pardon the pun) on anything really when push comes to shove. Apart from his job in which he is entirely dedicated.

when he has felt I am less interested in the relationship or when I’ve been very busy with other things, that’s when he is most attentive. I find it quite sad and immature but as I say, in all other respects we have a lovely relationship. It’s hard to know if there’s better out there overall. I wouldn’t want to trade it just for sex

I strongly disagree that you can't have a wonderful relationship without sex. However I agree that all is not well in the OP's relationship, since she has considered looking elsewhere.

Yes, I am. I don't think DH has a massive sex drive, we met when he was mid-20s and he was a virgin, I wasn't but had only had full sex with one other person (I was 22 when we met). I also haven't got a massive sex drive either.

Our sex life was prettty good for the first year, then it was once a week at weekends which was fair enough, then we had kids so it went to pot a bit, but we prob did it once a month or so - but for the past 2-3 years, probably once or twice. Some of it is health related as I have a health issue and it def impacts my desire to do it, and I just cba and DH doesn't bother initiating (I was always the initator really). We have talked about it briefly, but not to a massive extent. I think we've accepted it now (we are in our 50s).

We still hold hands, cuddle, kiss on lips. It's not terrible (and better than my parents did at our age). The rest of our relationship is fine.

If I didn't have my medical issue I am sure we would be doing it more. I'm hopefully going on hrt soon so that might help.

Wanting to shag your own wife is depraved!

I think Ive heard it all now lol

This is exactly how I view it.

I think there are probably more couples in sexless relationships than people think. But surely for it to work, it has to work for both of you? I would have thought that where it works, it works when neither partner has much/any sex drive and neither partner feels rejected. That doesn't sound like the case in your marriage - it's really bothering you a lot, and to me, that doesn't sound sustainable.

If my DP, for some reason, physically couldn't ever have sex any more, I would be prepared to live in a sexless relationship (although I'd be absolutely gutted and feel very sad about it and I would miss sex so much, but I would still feel loved and not rejected). But if he just didn't want ever to have sex, I think I'd find that very difficult and I don't know if I could live with that.

No it's not like that all.
He wants too but is unable due to a health issue coming on.

We do have sex not really intercourse though not his fault.

I'm 63 and wouldn't care if I never had sex again and am married - but that's different to being 30s or 40s I feel -

@SnowFrogJelly Isn't your remark a bit patronising? I'm sure @girlfriend44 knows when someone adores her. Sex doesn't necessarily equal adoration.

@PeakedInterest I'm not entirely convinced that sex is completely instinctive, at least not for everyone and not in the same way as animals. For dogs it's uncomplicated. Male comes across female in heat and breeds with her. If it was instinctive for humans, sex therapists would have no business. Like breastfeeding. Animals suckle their young no problem. Human mothers have to be shown what to do, and even then some women find it very difficult. Some of human sex is learned behaviour, gleaned from peer groups, media and sometimes pornographic material. What divides women who are enthusiastic about sex from those less bothered about it isn't any difference in instinct but factors like ability to climax, strength if climaxes etc. As for the role of hormones, most asexual people have completely normal hormone levels.

@Idontpostmuch I read a book recently that talked about how women are only really programmed to want sex around ovulation, that's not to say women won't or don't want sex at other times (nor indeed that all women will always want it at ovulation), but it was saying it more to normalise the fact that it's quite alright to not want sex all the time, it's not really how we've been 'designed', but living in such a highly sexualised society/media, it can feel like everyone should be gagging for it all the time!

@Idontpostmuch interesting point and actually very true.

But I still stand by the fact that even your very valid point doesn't help self esteem and sexual connection when in a relationship.
When you don't have sexual issues yourself and are a red blooded sexual person who does have 'instinct', having to have academic discussions, analytical discussion, compromise and negotiation in order to have your spouse have sex with you just isn't a turn on and affects self esteem.

Sure they may just have low libido, ED, trauma, asexuality or a host of other things which isn't their fault at all. But being on the recieving end, when all you want is a normal sexual relationship with your partner is soul destroying.

When you've experienced meeting someone, fancying the pants off them, and them fancying you, and then the natural instinctive flow of things, without words spoken or discussion (one minute your talking, the next your kissing, then one thing leads to another) then it can be hard to suddenly not have that. No amount of talking, sexy lingerie, nakedness, date nights or flirty banter will ever end in naturally 'one thing leading to another'.

Rather than just getting into bed and naturally flowing into sex, nope, instead nothing happens. Or having to have a discussion beforehand and negotiate/compromise your way into having sex with your partner just isn't the same. It feels unnatural. You want them to instinctively want you and be enthusiastic. Not out of obligation, or for the sake of the relationship. Just pure natural desire. If that doesn't happen it's soul destroying no matter what the cause for the lack of sex is. When you do finally have sex, it's just not quite right, even though it may be really enjoyable, as in the back of your mind, you know the work that went into it. When you've experienced natural, flowing and mutually wanted sex before, you know the sex you've just had isn't quite the same.

Totally agee.

Plus, let's not forget that OP's husband isn't even willing to meet her half way with a negotiated sex life anyway. He wants to be allowed to "work up to it", which is not only cruel (you work your way up to making difficult phone calls or swallowing unpleasant tasting medicine) but is also a poorly camouflaged way of saying "leave me alone".

I stand by my previous point that when you've experienced naturally evolving, mutual sexual pleasure and know how it feels, as you describe, then when you find yourself in a relationship where sex seems to be a roadblock, it signals a problem in the relationship as a whole.

ENM

Yup, currently in a relationship that has somehow lasted over a year with a woman, but we have had sex probably less time than there's months in a year.
Neither of us has children so it isn't a problem of being interrupted or being too worn out...

She's a fine person, and there's intimacy as far as kissing and cuddling goes but yes, it would be nice for some reciprocation; i've done things for her and then nothing back; It does make you feel like browsing and questioning whether the grass is greener.

@lopyrs Now you mention it, I remember an article yrs ago. It stated that women were the only female mamals who permitted penetration other than at a fertile time. I think it's probably correct that we're more up for sex at ovulation but it's hard to know, since it's obscured by being bombarded with sex allthe time, making us feel as if we should always want it. I don't think we can ever separate the two enough to work out if there is actually more desire at that point in the monthly cycle. One thing that makes perfect sense is that women should experience desire only when in a committed relationship, since Nature wants stability for children. Personally I can't imagine having the slightest urge towards someone without a deep relationship first, but it's obvious many women are capable of desire without commitment, so that doesn't seem to make sense from a reproductive point of view.