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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

135 replies

Donala · 23/01/2025 13:08

I am and I struggle. The relationship offers so much more to me than so many of my friends’ relationships. We are financially very secure, have a wonderful 5 year old DS, I work but don’t have to, we get on and share similar values, we laugh together. We do have intimacy with cuddles and some kissing and lying on the bed watching tv there’s massages and closeness. But I can’t remember the last time he touched me. He has always been a bit like this, obviously we have had sex before and it was good, but it was nearly always me initiating it. If I made a big fuss about it now then he probably would do it or do some other things but I have given up doing that as it makes me feel like I’ve demanded it. I’ve told him all of this. He says he wants to build up to it. He’s been saying that for about three years. We are early forties. I’ve asked him to go to counselling, wondered if he’s gay, etc etc but I think ultimately he’s just not that bothered about it. He used to enjoy blow jobs but I stopped that a year or so ago as it felt shit to not have it reciprocated. He’s fine with not having them and would never ask for it. I looked at dating profiles during a low moment last week and I genuinely couldn’t see anyone I would want to even meet for a drink. I know I have a good relationship other than this but some weeks the lack of sex affects me more than others. Anyone ended something over this? I think I would regret it. My friends I have confided in also said they don’t even have sex that often (one a month or so) and then I feel I should just enjoy the relationship I have.

OP posts:
username299 · 23/01/2025 16:45

It's a tough one. To start with it's slim pickings out there but on the other hand, I wouldn't be able to tolerate this.

MatildaTheCat · 23/01/2025 16:50

Has he ever sought help from his GP? If this was a woman with a low/ non existent libido they would be expected to at least go for a consultation. He may be asexual or he may have extremely low testosterone levels (which are risk factors for other health conditions).

There needs to be open communication between you. It’s more of a friendship than a relationship from the sound of it.

Arlanymor · 23/01/2025 16:51

It all boils down to what works for you. A close friend can count on one hand the amount of times she has slept with her husband and they have been married since 2006. It wouldn’t work for me, not at all.

Catandsquirrel · 23/01/2025 17:15

I would revisit the counselling idea with him and see where he's actually coming from with this. GP first if he suggests it, if not being it up during counselling. As in, his responses so far have kicked the issue down the road and I think you deserve at least want a true understanding of what he wants from a marriage physically, does he just have a very low sex drive, is it compatibility in his eyes, something big like sexuality or trauma, what are his views in terms of your wishes because you didn't sign up to a sexless marriage and he hasn't been clear that's what he wants, he just bats the conversation away and that's what is unfair. Perhaps there is a lot worth staying for but I think some clarity and communication would help so you know what you're dealing with on the sex front.

JacquesHarlow · 23/01/2025 17:32

A large group of very vocal people on Mumsnet abhor the idea of sex after a few years have passed. I happen to not be one of them, I love sex still as a woman in my 40s. However the in crew here see mature adult relationships (especially those with children) as "you should be well past all that".

You have people talking about "I can't stand all that huffing and puffing, I'd rather have a cup of tea".

But they're not willing to give up on the companionship or the joint mortgage, the holidays..

So I think it's one of those where, if you'd asked on the Relationships board, you might get some sense.

But here on AIBU, you will get told you're being U, just for daring to want sex.

fourelementary · 23/01/2025 17:36

it is entirely up to you and it sounds like a good coparenting relationship but not a relationship as a couple. The desire and intimacy is a core element of that for me, and I would not want to live without that. But many people do. And I wouldn’t judge them.

The old chestnut “would you want your child to have a relationship like this”? Might help- as it will be the blueprint of relationship norm for them.

Nightmanagerfan · 23/01/2025 17:40

I'm in a very similar situation OP, even down to age of children and the response I get when I ask about it. I get "oh that would be nice - we should have sex soon", and then it never happens. The other night I was in a towel after a shower, kids asleep in bed, and I went over and we had a cuddle/nice moment. He then said again, "We should have sex soon", and all I could think was, "What's wrong with now? Your wife is almost naked!" Like you, I don't ask any more as I am humiliated by the fact it's always me initiating.

For a while when our children were babies I was ok with it, but now our youngest is 3 I feel like myself again, and my sex drive is back to normal. I feel very frustrated and worried about the future. I didn't sign up for a sexless marriage. It's not that I want to be at it like rabbits, but even a couple of times a month would be amazing.

ItsJustADream · 23/01/2025 17:45

I am.
(I am name changing to leave this comment)

We have been together 10 years but only intimate the first 5 years and it was sporadic even then.

4 years ago we decided to have an open relationship with very strict rules. It has had its challenges but has also been incredibly freeing and taken a lot of the pressure off. I no longer feel resentful. I will say I have struggled with it a lot less than him... Which from chatting to others seems to be common.

I wouldn't spend the rest of my life never having sex again, so this was the only solution if we wanted to stay together (and we do).

I get to enjoy the things I like and so does he. Because our core problem was being completely sexually incompatible to the point that there was no desire.

A lot more people practise ethical non monogamy than you may realise. With boundaries, honesty and very clear rules it can be successful.

LuluBlakey1 · 23/01/2025 17:53

My best friend has not had a physical relationship with her husband for 22 years. They get on quite well, neither have affairs. She is not interested in sex (was abused as a child by a neighbour) and once she and her husband had two children just stopped. He has put a huge amount of weight (weighs about 26 st and is about 5ft 8) has hip and ankle problems and is probably not physically capable of it any more. She says it never arises (so to speak)

SeekingYourAdvice · 23/01/2025 17:53

I couldn't live like this, feeling so undesired. You're still young.
When, in the past you've given him a blow job and he's not reciprocated, have you ever straight up asked him "Don't you care about my pleasure at all? Do you honestly think this is a fulfilling relationship for me?" What does he say?

LostittoBostik · 23/01/2025 17:58

JacquesHarlow · 23/01/2025 17:32

A large group of very vocal people on Mumsnet abhor the idea of sex after a few years have passed. I happen to not be one of them, I love sex still as a woman in my 40s. However the in crew here see mature adult relationships (especially those with children) as "you should be well past all that".

You have people talking about "I can't stand all that huffing and puffing, I'd rather have a cup of tea".

But they're not willing to give up on the companionship or the joint mortgage, the holidays..

So I think it's one of those where, if you'd asked on the Relationships board, you might get some sense.

But here on AIBU, you will get told you're being U, just for daring to want sex.

Edited

I think it's interesting that everyone perceives this board differently because I feel like it's full of people who say that you're not having sex at least four times a week you've got a dead bedroom and your marriage is over.
There's a balance. We only have sex once or twice a month now. We are both perfectly happy. The problem isn't the amount of sex it's how you both feel about it.
If it's more important to you than the place it holds in your current relationship and nothing is changing despite conversations about it then you might rightly feel you have become too mismatched. But you should take the decision separately from any possible chance to date others.

Winterskyfall · 23/01/2025 18:00

I think that's a lot to give up. From what I've heard and read the good ones are few and far between.

I didn't vote because I didn't know what each voting option meant for you.

justmeandmydog · 23/01/2025 18:08

But its not all good is it? There's a fundamentally important thing to you which he is quite happy to ignore, long-term and not seek help for or address. If you push anymore then it is coercive, but he is perfectly content for you to go through the rest of your life unhappy, unwanted and unfulfilled.

If it were a temporary change in drive or he was seeking help, then my answer would be different but he is not. You didn't sign up for life as a nun. Would you really be quite content going for the rest of your life with no physical affection?

I've been there. And it's hard. The problem is a week, a month, a year, 5 years without sex is fine. What I couldn't reconcile myself to was never having that feeling again.

Nothatgingerpirate · 23/01/2025 18:15

Yes and very happy, OP.
My choice at 42.
Husband significantly older, so gets on with it alright.
Can't imagine having sex ever again!
👍

hopeishere · 23/01/2025 18:19

If both parties are content it's fine. If one isn't then resentment inevitable.

Original poster
Donala · 23/01/2025 18:34

Arlanymor · 23/01/2025 16:51

It all boils down to what works for you. A close friend can count on one hand the amount of times she has slept with her husband and they have been married since 2006. It wouldn’t work for me, not at all.

@Arlanymor does she explain how it ever happens then? This is what I struggle with, on some occasions (very rarely) he seems to enjoy it. But there’s so rhyme or reason to it. I find it difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donala · 23/01/2025 18:35

Nothatgingerpirate · 23/01/2025 18:15

Yes and very happy, OP.
My choice at 42.
Husband significantly older, so gets on with it alright.
Can't imagine having sex ever again!
👍

@Nothatgingerpirate do you mind me asking why you decided this? Dh is 45 but he’s been like this since I’ve known him in his mid to late 30s. Do you not feel there is a gap with your husband in terms of closeness?

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 23/01/2025 18:36

It wouldn't bother me. Some people just aren't that bothered or interested.. it sounds like you have a long list of positives.

Original poster
Donala · 23/01/2025 18:36

justmeandmydog · 23/01/2025 18:08

But its not all good is it? There's a fundamentally important thing to you which he is quite happy to ignore, long-term and not seek help for or address. If you push anymore then it is coercive, but he is perfectly content for you to go through the rest of your life unhappy, unwanted and unfulfilled.

If it were a temporary change in drive or he was seeking help, then my answer would be different but he is not. You didn't sign up for life as a nun. Would you really be quite content going for the rest of your life with no physical affection?

I've been there. And it's hard. The problem is a week, a month, a year, 5 years without sex is fine. What I couldn't reconcile myself to was never having that feeling again.

@justmeandmydog there is physical affection though, just not any sexual acts. He will happily massage and cuddle. There is closeness. He just never wants to do anything sexual. I have asks if he thinks he has a problem and he says no and that he wants to build up to it. That’s the only answer I ever get.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donala · 23/01/2025 18:37

Tink3rbell30 · 23/01/2025 18:36

It wouldn't bother me. Some people just aren't that bothered or interested.. it sounds like you have a long list of positives.

@Tink3rbell30 because you don’t like sex or because you would decide the relationship was overall good enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
Donala · 23/01/2025 18:38

Winterskyfall · 23/01/2025 18:00

I think that's a lot to give up. From what I've heard and read the good ones are few and far between.

I didn't vote because I didn't know what each voting option meant for you.

@Winterskyfall as in I would be giving up a lot just for sex? This is my feeling. If I’m totally honest I feel like I could satisfy the feeling elsewhere (either alone or with someone) and be ok with it. The sadness for me comes with the fact that I feel I am not as close to him as I could be. It hurts a bit that he doesn’t seem to feel that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donala · 23/01/2025 18:40

SeekingYourAdvice · 23/01/2025 17:53

I couldn't live like this, feeling so undesired. You're still young.
When, in the past you've given him a blow job and he's not reciprocated, have you ever straight up asked him "Don't you care about my pleasure at all? Do you honestly think this is a fulfilling relationship for me?" What does he say?

@SeekingYourAdvice ive never said that to him as I would feel embarrassed. However I did once have a huge chat and said I felt undesired and he did start to perform oral sex. He is brilliant at it and I told him that. But again I had to sort of lead it all so it phased out again quickly. It doesn’t feel the same when you’re having to talk about it all the time

OP posts:
thicklysettled · 23/01/2025 18:41

ItsJustADream · 23/01/2025 17:45

I am.
(I am name changing to leave this comment)

We have been together 10 years but only intimate the first 5 years and it was sporadic even then.

4 years ago we decided to have an open relationship with very strict rules. It has had its challenges but has also been incredibly freeing and taken a lot of the pressure off. I no longer feel resentful. I will say I have struggled with it a lot less than him... Which from chatting to others seems to be common.

I wouldn't spend the rest of my life never having sex again, so this was the only solution if we wanted to stay together (and we do).

I get to enjoy the things I like and so does he. Because our core problem was being completely sexually incompatible to the point that there was no desire.

A lot more people practise ethical non monogamy than you may realise. With boundaries, honesty and very clear rules it can be successful.

I am in the same position as OP, and have recently given serious thought to proposing this kind of set-up. My husband has absolutely no libido whatsoever and my perimenopausal hormones are raging. I feel like a teenage boy! I'm only 47 and cannot imagine spending the next 25 or 30 years celibate.

@ItsJustADream would you be willing to share what your boundaries/rules are?

Tink3rbell30 · 23/01/2025 18:41

Donala · 23/01/2025 18:37

@Tink3rbell30 because you don’t like sex or because you would decide the relationship was overall good enough?

Show quote history

Sex isn't top of the priority list for me and I don't find it that important. It isn't like you don't have intimacy. Sometimes I enjoy a good cuddle way more. And yes with that many positives I feel like it makes the sex issue even less of one but it is your personal choice and feelings that count.

MyProudHare · 23/01/2025 18:42

Being honest, no. My marriage isn't like this. We both have sex a lot because we both want to.

The issue for you is you are mismatched in your sex drives. I have experienced this in previous relationships and like you, it led me to want to look elsewhere, feeling so undesired. Ultimately those relationships ended.

It sounds really tough for you and I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do.