Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

[Donala]

I am and I struggle. The relationship offers so much more to me than so many of my friends’ relationships. We are financially very secure, have a wonderful 5 year old DS, I work but don’t have to, we get on and share similar values, we laugh together. We do have intimacy with cuddles and some kissing and lying on the bed watching tv there’s massages and closeness. But I can’t remember the last time he touched me. He has always been a bit like this, obviously we have had sex before and it was good, but it was nearly always me initiating it. If I made a big fuss about it now then he probably would do it or do some other things but I have given up doing that as it makes me feel like I’ve demanded it. I’ve told him all of this. He says he wants to build up to it. He’s been saying that for about three years. We are early forties. I’ve asked him to go to counselling, wondered if he’s gay, etc etc but I think ultimately he’s just not that bothered about it. He used to enjoy blow jobs but I stopped that a year or so ago as it felt shit to not have it reciprocated. He’s fine with not having them and would never ask for it. I looked at dating profiles during a low moment last week and I genuinely couldn’t see anyone I would want to even meet for a drink. I know I have a good relationship other than this but some weeks the lack of sex affects me more than others. Anyone ended something over this? I think I would regret it. My friends I have confided in also said they don’t even have sex that often (one a month or so) and then I feel I should just enjoy the relationship I have.

He doesn't want to build up to it though does he. You were there, you were having sex, you've stopped. And by saying he wants to build up to it he's kicking the can down the road. You KNOW deep down he doesn't want to have sex with you. This isn't about building up to it. It's about keeping you both in this relationship which is working for him and not for you.

You've even come here (as I did) and asked if you can make it work and be happy. You've asked that question because you know it isn't going to change. You are trying to reconcile yourself to this situation. And yes you can muddle through for another six months, another year, 3 more years. Do you really want to never be desired again?

@Nightmanagerfan it feels awful doesn’t it! I have had moments like that where I just think why? Why not now? I feel like it is deeply immature and emotionally stunted and I have to admit I do feel anger about it sometimes. It raises questions in my mind like is he gay or does he fancy someone else or is he watching porn etc. I am not an insecure woman yet this form of rejection makes me have moments of insecurity and I hate it.

The humiliation is why I have now got to the point of this post which is that I need to decide properly if I can live with this. Do you ever try and raise it and talk? I am thinking of raising it again but it is upsetting

No, as far as closeness goes, I feel no gap.
To clarify, I have never been "that much" into sex, it might possibly be an understatement 😊 as well.
I married for practical reasons and with this setup firmly in mind.
Now at 45, I wouldn't actually mind staying unmarried all my life, but your preferences change as you get older.
Married for 20 years. 👍

@justmeandmydog no I don’t want to never be desired again but I could end up losing so much and also not having a fulfilling relationship in other ways. That’s the worst part, he ticks the other boxes in every way :(

Yes, that's what I meant. He probably still feels very close to you without the sex, which is a good thing, some people just aren't that into sex. Whereas some guys just use the women they are with as wank tools and that doesn't create closeness.

Personally I think if you marry someone then you should work through your issues, rather than leave or look outside the marriage (unless that’s what you both want)
That only works if you are both willing to work on things (and there’s no abuse). It sounds like he’s somewhat happy to work at it, but you (understandably) dont like how that feels in practice (like you’ve pushed him into it)
So can’t you go see a therapist or a sex therapist to help you work through it better. It would be cheaper than a divorce at least.

tbf it probably feels awkward after all this time and if he naturally has a lower libido it might not feel worth the awkwardness,
imagine he suddenly tried it on with you tonight, I can’t imagine you’d have a great reaction (you’d be shocked or maybe not even realise) and it would just be really awkward, and obviously you aren’t going to try it with him so he might not know what to do.
if you can work through that then you might be able to turn it around. At the very least you can get to the bottom of why and know you’ve tried to work at your marriage.

I was in a relationship like this. My ex eventually left me to come out as gay. I subsequently realised that the rest of the relationship wasn't actually that great either. I think I was in denial because I loved him and wanted to cling on to the marriage and keep our family together.

I'm much happier now, even though I was devastated at the time. My current DP is the RP for his DC (I have a 50/50 arrangement) and we only really get every other weekend and one night in the week together. Despite that, we have way more sex than I ever did with my ex - even before the DC!

I wonder whether he was destroyed by the fact that he found himself in a marriage with someone who didn’t want sex. And just ate instead.

it’s such a difficult issue. I have a friend and her and her husband don’t have sex and haven’t for years She seems to be really happy about it and he doesn’t seem bothered.

The problem is when one person really is very bothered and they are eaten up by the lack of sex, like the OP. I think often the person who doesn’t want sex has no idea what that does to the other person.

My first husband wanted sex all the time. He used it as a distraction from thinking about all the shitty things he was doing . The rest of the marriage was appalling. My second marriage has far less sex but a huge amount of intimacy and love and care. The financial security is very welcome too. I would trade never having sex again for the life I have. Only you can decide what is important. No relationship will ever provide everything. Be very careful what you wish for. Battery powered items are also very useful.

I think op that you should write it all down, detailing how you feel: humiliated, unloved, mentally tortured - you’ll have to put it more eloquently than that. And also what it makes you think: whether he has someone else (or has had someone else), is a porn addict and ultimately of divorce.

It really sounds like he doesn’t understand how destructive this is for you. And I believe you are “normal” in what you want. You need to write it to avoid an awful conversation. He really doesn’t understand how badly this affects you and needs it spelling out. Sex is a reasonable expectation and he does owe you an explanation as to why he very clearly doesn’t want to.

Ester Perel has quite a lot to say on this. I can't remember exactly which podcast episode I am thinking of but delve into her 'Where should we begin?' podcast series and there are several on this topic that might give you some conversation starters with him. Also www.estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-nobodys-f-cking-anymore

Sure!
So our first is pretty standard but protection must always be used. I am on the pill and he also seeks out partners who are proactive with their own contraception, so we are doing everything we can to prevent pregnancy.

We also have agreed to be emotionally monogamous, which means that if we ever feel we may develop feelings for someone (or them us) we end it immediately.

My husband prefers to see someone a few times and then move on, he finds this better for keeping clear lines.
I prefer to see the same person as long as possible. As a woman it is very important to make sure we are safe and trust the person. I also am quite picky and don't feel chemistry with loads of people.

We also have a boundary that it can't be anyone we know, that is in any way connected to our social circle or work.

We are okay with a couple of dates before intimacy in order to get to know the person, but we don't really continue beyond that. Once we feel safe, it really is about sex. The lines can get VERY blurry when you are also going for dinner with someone and dating them. For us, this would start to verge into emotional territory which would in our relationship be cheating.

I enjoy establishing a friendship with the people I have been intimate with, but my biggest problem has been the men getting incredibly clingy and saying they have fallen in love with me and asking me to leave my husband.

A lot of men adore the idea of a woman who says she just wants sex... But then they realise they aren't your priority (your DH is) and the ego comes into play.

We also have a rule that we cannot have phone calls or be texting a sexual partner when with each other. The thought of us cuddling up and watching a film and one of us texting an intimate partner feels gross (to us).

We tell each other the night that it is happening (approx once a month) and then we don't discuss anything else. I have no idea how many people he has been with, what they do, who they are and same in reverse.

The only time we have ever discussed someone is when a man got very clingy of me and I found ending it hard. It was my first intimate partner and a huge lesson for me as I did get in over my head and didn't keep the boundaries as clear as I needed to.

We also never have the people anywhere near our home. We either go to their places or hotels. Our home is for us and for "our time".

We stick to once or twice a month and we find that is enough. It is time apart where we can explore our individual needs and then we just get on with normal every day life. Keeping it a small part of our lives has ensured pretty much zero issues.

I've written a bit of a novel here, but if you have any questions I would be more than happy to answer :)

Edit: we also have a no social media rule. They can't follow us and we can't follow them. We try to protect each other as much as possible and we prefer not to see who the other is with.

We also operate ethically and are completely honest with potential intimate partners. We share all the boundaries with them before anything happens, so they come into this as informed as possible.

Are we reading the same thread? 😂😂😂

Sorry to be ignorant, but if your husband has no libido why is he indulging in this too?

It's all fine just settling for a life of no sex until one of you meets someone you have sexual chemistry with.
What then?

We are sexually incompatible. His low libido was primarily due to that.

It still is lower than mine is, but he has things he enjoys with others that I personally could never do.

Without going into specifics, his favourite sexual thing is something I will never do due to trauma.

I also have certain kinks that are pretty crucial to me that he tried for my sake but he doesn't enjoy.

So compatibility in the bedroom was really the main issue.

We are attracted to each other and love each other deeply, but it's like trying to fit a triangle into a rectangle when it comes to sex lol

@ItsJustADream Thank you so much! That's really helpful to see how the ground rules might work in real life. Though in my case I suspect I'd be fucking as often as possible while my husband watches TV. He really has no interest at all.

Do you both have roughly "equal" numbers of encounters? And do you have children? I do, and it would be absolutely imperative that they were never aware of any of this. Actually, thinking of them being in a relationship like mine makes me even sadder.

Well because we have a bit of a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement (for want of a better phrase) we don't know each other's number.

We do however have the same day to use the opportunity if we wish. We may set aside the 14th of Jan (for example). It is planned ahead at the beginning of the month and we can choose to use the date or not.

We don't have children, but several of my intimate partners have had children and one of them was in a very similar arrangement to mine. We used hotels. Him and his wife did separate days so they had childcare.

Planning is so important. I think 90% of the emotional battle with ENM is being prepared and feeling safe within the boundaries.

Replying to you from up thread.

I do bring it up occasionally. We have other issues in our marriage and he says that he thinks we need to fix these first before we can get back into sex. He also says that he can't go from nothing to sex, and we aren't that physical affectionate day to day due to our schedules etc. sometimes I feel like these are just excuses. I don't think he is gay or seeing anyone else. He wfh and I don't think he could organise the deceit.

I have put on a bit of weight - I was a size 10 and I'm now a 12 post-children, normal BMI, but I can't help but wonder if he doesn't fancy me any more. Like you, I am confident and self-assured and generally feel good about my body, so if that's the reason it will be hard not to take it personally.

The times we have had sex in the past few years have all been initiated by me - I've made a effort with lingerie/massage etc. I don't know what else to do. After the last time I told him I wasn't going to initiate again as I felt humiliated that he never asked: that was last Summer and nothing since.

Life is busy and I'm juggling lots of things, but this is a niggle that never goes away. I had a good chat with a friend about it recently and realised it's not normal. Solidarity.

@Nightmanagerfan thanks for replying. I have had a similar response that we need to fix another part of the relationship before he’s comfortable etc but the reality is that he makes issues out of nowhere and the lack of sex is what causes a degree of tension. I don’t know what the answer is… I think for me if he was happy to go down on me and ensure I was satisfied then I could probably live without sex itself. But how do I even ask that?! And if I did, I would feel even more hurt if he didn’t make the effort. I don’t like the idea of an open relationship but perhaps the battery operated option is an alternative. Seems really sad though.

I was for the first 3 years of my current relationship, due to a mix of partners MH issues and the fact he was my first relationship so i was completely inexperienced and uncomfortable initiating. I was the one who got unhappy and initiated the talk, but there was no ultimatum, i would have continued if the relationship had been sexless forever, just been a bit sad about it. A couple of months later, intimacy happened.

My marriage has had a years long "dry spell". However, I am lot older than you. It would have really bothered me in my 40s. Our relationship is good, but we are more like roommates than a couple. We have five children - three out of the house and two off to uni in August. I guess I have just resigned myself to the fact that it will probably always be this way.

I was in a relationship like this for a long time. I spent literally years weighing the positives up against this one huge, confidence-sapping negative. It wasn't even about missing the pleasure of sex in the end, so much as the crushing sense of rejection. Eventually, I came to resent the fact that something that was important to me was being sidelined even from discussion, and to me that signalled negative things about my status in the relationship. Once I opened that can of worms, the relationship unravelled quite quickly and I came to a realisation that it had actually been a controlling, abusive relationship from the start and the lack of sex was about expressly witholding something that was important to me.

Because there was no physical violence, I genuinely had no idea that I was being abused. I just had a general sense of grievance about a lot of things, which I was constantly being made to feel unreasonable about. The financial abuse I was subjected to would actually have met the threshold for criminal prosecution quite easily, but there was also a lot of psychological abuse that has left me very bruised and damaged my relationship with my children.

Before I allowed myself to pull on the piece of thread that was attached to our sex life, I genuinely thought it was a basically good relationship and had no idea that it was at the root of my depression and disordered eating. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm suspicious now that anyone who insists their relationship is totally happy "except for this one thing" is perhaps mistaken. If both of you were evenly matched in your lack of concern about sex, you wouldn't be posting. Given that you're not, it's a problem and needs addressing. And if it can't be addressed, that might be part of a bigger problem. Just to add, I would be wary of couples counselling/therapy if there's even the tiniest suspicion of abuse in the relationship as it will be used against you, but individual counselling could be really helpful to get your thoughts and feelings out for a good airing in a private space.

I'm two years out of my relationship now and mostly OK. I paid a high price materially and psychologically in the fallout but 100% it was the right thing to leave. The lack of sex turned out not to be the key issue at all but it was very much the most visible one.

It's so difficult. Maybe couples therapy would help. Do you think he would be content with going down on you without anything for him? Seems odd if so? Unless his libido is non existent. Tbh I try to ignore it and masturbate every so often (which makes me more frustrated).

Someone upthread said no sex is ok until one of you meets someone with sexual chemistry - that's my fear.

I want to join this thread but am too embarrassed at the moment. I'm also a young 47 and can't face the rest of my life without sex.