AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

You do what fits for your family. You need to close the chapter. She can either cancel arrangements or not go. There are things in life more important than work.

You & your children come first. Arrange the funeral for when is best for you, your sil will be able to arrange the time off work for her own brothers funeral.

If your children are minors, I would do whatever they need first.

So sorry for your loss OP, and very sorry you have to sell your house too. I hope you have some good support around you, please consider bereavement counselling or listening of some sort. Sounds like you have an awful lot to deal with

I am glad a date was arranged that would apear to suit you both.
My answer would be that it depends on the reason why you cannot manage a date. For example, if she had a 2 week cruise booked, or a holiday to Australia, then it would be reasonable to try and arrange a date other than those, (because it would be unreasonable to expect her to cancel that), but the emphasis here is on the word 'try'. The OP's own needs should come first.
For work commitments then personally, I think a funeral would come first, but it depends on the nature of the relationship and how close the relative was.
I would expect a sibling, if close, to put the funeral first.
My BIL died recently, (fairly suddenly) and for my DSis it is a horrendous job, trying to sort out finances, and all kinds of paperwork, as well as the funeral.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Since she's been helpful so far, I think I would try to fit in with her requests by sending a list of preferred dates to the funeral director. But if you can't find a suitable date, you will just have to tell SIL that you tried but it would have meant waiting for n weeks and the rest of you just can't manage to wait that long without laying DH to rest.
Then SIL can do her best to arrange to come.

I’m sorry for you awful loss. I’d say, just arrange the funeral for the best date for you and your children and give your SIL the date and time. Given they were close and she loved him, I’m guessing she’s make it work. Don’t fill your head up with this.

I lost my DH two years ago after caring for him with a debilitating illness. Then I did like the OP and sold my house and spent six months house hunting, downsizing, selling stuff and giving things away. This was a great distraction but eventually the grief hit me. I think it's well known that grief comes in waves, but if you distract yourself too much, it hits like a tsunami. Take care and look after yourself and your DC.

I am very sorry that your husband has passed away.

Your SIL may be a lovely person, but she sounds spoilt and self-centred. She should be falling in with your plans. It would be understandable if there was one day that was difficult for her to change a prior arrangement but not a list of 10 days. She is not the chief mourner. Don’t let her take over the day.

The best of luck to you and your DC.

If she can't get a day off for her brothers funeral- what on earth sort of job is it?

Massive shock and I'm so sorry for your loss, I've lost both a partner and a DB and they were both devastating experiences but completely different. If it's at all possible, delay selling or making any significant life decisions for ar least 6m to a year until you get your thoughts straight .

Grief makes us want to rush things, it's not always they best way.
For balance, I really wanted to help my SIL with funeral arrangements and sorting DBs stuff but she wanted non of that and doesn't even invite me to their house. I'm still hurt by this, but its not my gig so I suck it up.

Why do you need to get rid of the house so soon OP? Surely as the surviving spouse you can live in it. Go easy on yourself. Grief is hard enough without more massive changes and you must be so raw still.
Sorry about your insensitive SIL.

Are you insane? This isn’t a wedding or a 21st birthday party. OP has every right to assume he SIL (her late husband’s sister) would change her work plans. I’m astounded that anyone would ask this. OP, I’m sorry for you loss - I too am widowed and found the charity Widowed & Young a great support.

A bit harsh! You do realise this lady has just lost her DH??

This is completely true. It's easy to rush into things and your judgement isn't as good as usual after a bereavement. After I moved to a new area, the first two 'friends' that I made turned out to be selfish and were just using me for lifts etc. Since then I have gone on to build a group of good friends who have been there for me as well.

But why make her change her work plans if it can be avoided? Particularly when she has already been putting her work to one side to help.

I really don't get the big deal. OP asked her SIL if there were any dates she wanted to avoid, her SIL answered her.

Firstly and foremost, condolences on the death of your husband.

please give your SIL some grace. She is grieving in her own way. She also has her own business, which you’re not privy to all that entails. You asked and she gave dates. If you could do dates to accommodate her schedule (and I see you have) why would that be something to be so angry about?

Your anger is perhaps more your grief talking. Think carefully before going off on her. she is grieving too. No one has more right or more importance in their grief. People grieve differently try, move through the stages of grief differently. Anger is one stage of grief.

you’ll need your SIL going forward. She hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Don’t do anything to alienate people close to you.

seeking some counselling is a great idea. Firstly and foremost learning how to deal with your emotions. There will be many, they’ll come at you at different times and even recycle back around. It is human nature to have all these feelings so don’t be hard on yourself either.

come here to vent rather than take action or say things to those who matter. Once things are said, they can’t be undone.

Sorry for your loss, see what her reasons are for requested certain dates.

OP I'm glad you were able to accommodate your SIL. It was generous of you to offer to do that and it keeps you on better terms with her for later, even though it was insensitive of her to be so specific. When my first DH died suddenly I don't think it even crossed my mind to think about anybody else's needs. I was lucky that my DB happened to have just gone on his annual holiday and threw up all his arrangements to come and stay with me and support me and the DC through it. Do you really have to sell the house quite so soon? That's a huge stress on top of what has already been one of the hardest things to go through. I moved house (and countries!) 18 months later and that was hard enough.

I'm glad you sorted it.

Take care of yourself and your children. Good luck

Great stuff OP. It's sorted. Well done. It was clear you've been thinking of everyone else first including ILs. Please put some of that care into yourself, you really deserve it.

You are not being unreasonable. Look at the bigger picture is she normally like this or could this be a weird way grief if playing out for her - like she’s trying to not accept it for what it is - I don’t know but I know people can do strange things when grieving that don’t quite look like grieving

you know her best

ultimately look at the dates that are available go for the one that suits you those want to be there will be there come hell or high water

sending you love what a difficult time for you all

I am glad you have sorted the funeral on a date that suits both of you. I think you were a little unreasonable to be cross with her for her giving you dates that she wanted to avoid when you had specifically asked her.

I also think you are unreasonable to comment about her being out shopping with a friend. Everyone deals with things differently. It's best to be as understanding with everyone when someone has died. It's too easy to fall out with people.

I'm very very sorry for your loss. It must be incredibly difficult for you and your children.

Honestly, she should have give you the reasons why she couldn’t do those days when she gave you the dates, then you would have known whether they were too important to miss a funeral.
I think it’s insensitive to ask you to hold back, but then that’s people for you, they always feel like they matter more.
try and accommodate for the early dates where you can and then just advise they couldn’t hold off any longer as already time has passed due to waiting on other factors.
with it being her brother she’d get time off anyway unless she’s already told the employer the funeral has been, and took a day already. I’ve known that too!