AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

Obviously it was a mistake to ask her so just take the first available date and tell her that’s what was offered. Tbh there will probably be very few date options if you’re in UK and not particularly soon either. Different in Ireland but after such a long delay, you need to prioritise the kids, as you have been. So sorry for your loss and don’t forget to organise your own counselling asap. Handhold 💐xx

She's greiving was probably expecting a couple of dates to avoid. Not 10 days.

She's entitled to post for a bit of compassion and support

She has been insensitive but she is in shock too and maybe she has never organised a funeral and doesn’t realise that you cant just pick and choose.

Try not to let this upset you, focus on wgat you and your kids needs

But does it really? Personally if I was OP I wouldn't have asked if there were any dates SIL couldn't do, she should be rearranging her calendar to attend her own brother's funeral.

But, having been asked, for SIL to produce such a long list of dates when she's unwilling to reschedule is really unreasonable and IMO selfish of her. She doesn't sound too bereft about losing her brother or creating all this stress for OP, who was probably expecting to hear one or two dates were out, at most.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

She didn't say she is unwilling to reschedule though. She will likely do what she was planning to do in the first place.

Actually you can just cancel work! If you dropped dead and couldn’t do the work life would go on.

I find it utterly ridiculous when people are so tied into work they think the world will stop if they don’t turn up. Even if you drop dead within a few weeks work/customers will generally forget you ever existed.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

We are in the midst of organising a complicated family funeral. Emotions tend to run high and people seem to be functioning at the less healthy version of their personalities. So the laid back people have slowed down to basically frozen and the task-based go getters are functioning at 100 miles per hour. Everyone is clashing. Some people want everything booked as soon as possible and others are dragging their heels.

People really show their true colours as well, in terms of how selfish they are, how helpful they are etc.

Your SIL is being unreasonable but she is also grieving and probably unhelpfully focusing on the wrong things. You are in the right but for the sake of ongoing relationships it might be better to try and find a date that works for everyone. I imagine the pressure you are putting on yourself to get it done as quick as possible is also a coping mechanism.

Book the funeral and tell her the date. It’s awful having to wait for it as you are in limbo and prolonging it may well be damaging for the children.

I suppose you could compromise and ask for the five most important commitments?

So then the days she’s said she can’t do would cause her to lose money. I can understand that, I run my own business and there’s about 40 days a year I’m out earning the money and the rest of the time is the prep work/post work. Missing out of one of the 40 days would lose me significant income. I’d still do it for a funeral - but it’s perfectly acceptable for her to ask nicely if you can avoid such dates if possible.

It depends entirely on what she does. Is she a librarian? Or a solicitor? She can almost certainly do it. If she’s a pediatric neurosurgeon with complex multidisciplinary cases that are both time sensitive and dependent on other experts availability - then she probably doesn’t have flexibility.

I would simply ask the funeral directors for the first 2 available dates and send her both with a "both are reserved for me until 4.30pm. My preference is X and I will go ahead and confirm that if I don't hear back from you by then. I'm sorry if this causes some challenges at work but I have to put my children first."

Fucking hell. Brimming with compassion.

This is absolutely no way to talk to a woman who has just lost her husband and whose children have lost their father. It's beyond inappropriate to be snarky in this circumstance, it's actually just nasty.

This makes it so much worse. She's not answering to anyone! Her first thought is her business. Everyone copes differently but that is wild to me

I can see why being sent a big list of dates she can't make could have come across as being cold and uncaring. I would find out potential dates from the funeral directors then give her a call to try to find something that works for both of you. If she realises there's no soon dates which don't clash with her work, I'm sure she'd look for a solution.

When MIL died a couple of years ago, I was shocked at how little sympathy and understanding many of our customers had (DH and I run a business together). I was basically holding down the fort by myself and had thoughtless dickheads complaining their orders took longer to arrive than normal, even though I'd prewarned about the longer timescales on our website. When I apologised and explained the circumstances, many of them still ranted at me and left us shitty reviews!

So sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like everyone is shocked and emotional, quite naturally, and perhaps not thinking straight. She sounds like a sister who loved her brother - of course she’ll come whatever, I expect she’s just meaning that those dates will be more difficult to rearrange. And she was just replying to your question. So I’d try not to get too angry at her (I think it’s your grief talking too) and look at the date options you’re given for the funeral- if one fits with her dates, great, but if they don’t they don’t. You tell her you tried but there was nothing that worked. She’ll be fine.

Family events or your siblings funeral?

Book what’s best for you and your children.

It's difficult enough organising the place of funeral, the celebrant and a place for a wake as it is, ignore her and tell her you could only get everything else to match up on date x so that's when it is. You and your DC are the most important people in this situation.

Do you live in a world where you can’t cancel work for your own brothers funeral?

please tell me more about this because I’m finding it unbelievable!!

(Im Irish so it would be unheard of here)

Sorry for your loss, OP.

If it was the odd day due to important work commitment or, say she was due to have an operation and would appreciate trying to avoid that and recovery, then fair enough giving you some dates.

To be honest, I would just go with the first available date. You've got a lot on right now emotionally and I guess financial paperwork to sort, so for your own well being I think you need the funeral.

DH genuinely couldn't go to a funeral on his side, so I said I'd go representing both of us. His relative was fine with this and DH has been really good to him since, which I think is more important.

Ten dates in the next three weeks is unreasonable.
Recently had to arrange my mums frankly we took any available date. It was five weeks until the earliest date. Think that’s a fair while for people to be able to come.
Only proviso we had was could it be a late ish one in that day to give people a chance for travelling.

I agree. Is there a date that works for both of you? That’s all that matters I think.

My aunt’s funeral was on my 20th birthday - because it was also her birthday - which was rather touching.

I think she’s trying to be helpful to be fair.

Can you just book the soonest date she CAN do?

Grief does strange things to people, no point in booking a date she's said she can't do just to make a point

Can you ask her to join the conversation where you talk to the funeral organisers? Face to face interaction is more likely to result in the issue being resolved without unsaid things being assumed on both sides..

SIL, would you come with me to help me arrange the funeral?
At the funeral directors:
You: I want this to happen as quickly as possible so the impact on my children can be minimised.. what dates do you have?
Funeral director: X, Y and Z...
You: Do any of these work for you SIL?

It is likely that one of these will... if not...

OK - what else do can you offer..
M,N,P....
Do those work, SIL? yes / no..
if no, you could say, ... oh, that will be more than a month away, that feels like a long time - can either of you make any other dates work? SIL - how would you feel about joining remotely - it's an honest question because right now, we feel we are in limbo, tip toeing around each other, while we wait to have DH's funeral... it's like we can't really speak, take action or breathe until we have completed this step..

If she won't budge, then you are forced into choosing an earlier funeral without her, or a delaying it for up to 4 weeks... You will step into that knowing the possible impact on your relationship with her and wider family members, going forward.

Or - you email her and say - dear SIL - this is a really difficult time for us, the funeral director has offered us three dates in the next three weeks and all three of them clash with your work dates, it is unbearable for us at the moment and we are really struggling - is there any way you can move one of your commitments or that BIL can help? We dearly want you to be there - it is very important to us, equally, it is hurting us all, the kids especially, to be in this awful limbo - I know that having the funeral won't bring him back and it is an important step for us.