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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

302 replies

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 07:23

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 23/01/2025 14:08

KrisAkabusi · 23/01/2025 07:26

She's reasonable to ask, you're reasonable to say that doesn't suit you.

This.

I had a two week trip to the US booked, and meetings scheduled every day for the period after my BIL died.

I gave my dsis a list of the days I couldn't do. It was a perfectly reasonable thing to do and she was able to find a date that suited everyone.

If she couldn't accommodate me, and I couldn't go, I would have had to put up with it.

Drfosters · 23/01/2025 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Costcolover · 23/01/2025 14:43

Agix · 23/01/2025 07:28

You live in an entirely different world to many people if you think you can just "cancel work". Not everyone can do this. I don't know your SILs situation with this.

I'd vote book the funeral when everyone important to your husband can attend - but if you're the one making arrangements and you've decided it suits you more to arrange it at a time his sister can't come, then theres nothing stopping you.

Show some compassion ffs

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 14:58

Alondra · 23/01/2025 10:53

Is she on drugs? FFS

She may be lovely but she's not thinking of you and your children at all. The funeral for your DH has already been delayed because of issues with the death certificate, and she wants to delay it 3 weeks to a date suitable to her?

Seriously and again, WFT? When and how a funeral takes place is up to the intimate family - spouse and children if they are adults. The rest of the family and friends take a day off, have annual leave, play sick or can't attend if truly unable to do so.

Please, organise your DH funeral, leaving the decision to attend or not up to her.

Show quote history

That's not how I read that at all she's given a list over the 3 weeks with 10 days on it.
So out of about 21 days she prefer to avoid 10 of them. And not necessarily 10 together probably 3 days each week she can't do.

FindusMakesPancakes · 23/01/2025 15:16

It will be different for her, a spouse and a sibling relationship are poles apart, as well as different people grieving differently. It is far more all consuming to lose a spouse, especially when there are still children at home to consider.
Because of the delay to start with, she may have had little choice but to get on with her life. It does mean not she doesn't care.

WearyAuldWumman · 23/01/2025 15:31

My husband died during lockdown. I was offered an evening slot a fortnight after his death but declined - couldn’t bear the thought of coming out of the crem chapel into the dark.

I did consult his adult children who agreed, but they decided only to watch the webcam in any case.

WearyAuldWumman · 23/01/2025 15:36

Netmumnet · 23/01/2025 08:27

If you read OPs latest comment OP actually asked the sister and now isn't happy that she offered dates?

Don't get why you'd ask if you are going to get upset when she answers.

Show quote history

I suspect thatOP got auch longer list than expected.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/01/2025 15:36

@reallyfuckedoff am sorting out all the finances as well as clearing out the house to get it on the market. why do you have to sell the house?? did your dh not have insurance to cover paying off the mortgage??

Twiglets1 · 23/01/2025 15:41

Glad you at least have a date booked in now.

For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing in accommodating her wishes.

Twiglets1 · 23/01/2025 15:42

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/01/2025 15:36

@reallyfuckedoff am sorting out all the finances as well as clearing out the house to get it on the market. why do you have to sell the house?? did your dh not have insurance to cover paying off the mortgage??

That’s a very intrusive question and not appropriate to question OP about this at a time they have enough on their plate.

DroningLovisa · 23/01/2025 16:08

Very best wishes for the funeral, @reallyfuckedoff . It's a step on the road to recovery, albeit a very early one. You are all going to have a difficult and painful period while you work through your grief- I'm afraid there's no easy path- the shock and trauma of your DH's death will make it doubly hard. Over time you and your DC will start to heal. You won't stop missing him or mourning him but you will get used to it so the grief becomes less dominating over your life. Try to hold on to some hope for better times to help you get your DC through the worst. Be kind and cut yourself some slack. You've done well and been gracious to your SIL - let her help you and your DC honour your Husband's memory through the funeral and out the other side. 💐

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 16:25

WearyAuldWumman · 23/01/2025 15:36

I suspect thatOP got auch longer list than expected.

Show quote history

That's what I was thinking too. Or she asked to be polite expecting the response- just pick a day that suits you.

SheWasPureSound · 23/01/2025 17:12

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 13:27

I've booked the funeral on a mutually agreeable date, although it's later than I would have liked.
When I phoned SIL to let her know, she couldn't talk because she's out shopping with a friend.
I think she is just having a very different experience to me at the moment - she is very sad and grieving but is essentially getting on with her life.
I have dropped absolutely everything to be here for my DC and am sorting out all the finances as well as clearing out the house to get it on the market.

I get the sense you’re annoyed at her for not having to do the same. Questionable.

DilemmaDelilah · 23/01/2025 17:20

Just to with a date that suits you, and if you can, it would be good if it was a date she can do too. Understand that it may not be possible for her to attend, although there aren't many jobs where she wouldn't be allowed to attend her brother's funeral.

My father's funeral was on my birthday. Definitely not the best day for me and has overshadowed it ever since, but it's not something I ever made a fuss about.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 23/01/2025 18:13

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 13:27

I've booked the funeral on a mutually agreeable date, although it's later than I would have liked.
When I phoned SIL to let her know, she couldn't talk because she's out shopping with a friend.
I think she is just having a very different experience to me at the moment - she is very sad and grieving but is essentially getting on with her life.
I have dropped absolutely everything to be here for my DC and am sorting out all the finances as well as clearing out the house to get it on the market.

So, on top of everything else, you have to sell your and your DH's home?
I am so very sorry for your loss. That is an awful lot for you and your children to cope with so soon.

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 18:23

@reallyfuckedoff Im really sorry about the house too. That's just compounding everything.

Im assuming its financial reasons. Is there no way you could afford to stay put for a year or so, just so it's not quite so raw?
Have you spoken to your mortgage lender?

Coconutter24 · 23/01/2025 18:24

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 07:43

Thanks for all your helpful opinions and suggestions.
DH and his sister were very close, especially since their parents died a few years ago. There's only the 2 of them.
SIL and her DH run their own small business - it's just the two of them and she works from home. He does travel quite a bit, but there's no boss telling either of them what they can/can't do.
It's not a vital industry - he does training about presenting I think.

Sometimes when you are the boss it’s not as easy as just saying I’m taking the day off especially if there’s only 2 of them.

rookiemere · 23/01/2025 19:21

I am really glad you managed to get a date agreed OP, I think you did the right thing even if it was difficult. I wasn't aware - and SIL may not have been either - that it's difficult to get a funeral slot on the day of your choosing.

The thing that strikes me reading this is there is no handbook for how to behave in these circumstances. If 10 days is too much, then how many would have been ok? Should SIL have ignored OPs call rather than taking it and not being able to talk for long, if she had a long conversation would that not be rude for the person she was with?

Everyone is processing what is happening in their own way, it's best not to make hasty judgments when emotions are so high.

Psychologymam · 23/01/2025 20:13

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 11:52

What a daft response.

It's her own business.if she dropped dead she wouldn't need to worry about not upsetting clients or getting future business

Show quote history

It’s a saying meant to convey that she’s not quite as important as she thinks she is/no one is irreplaceable etc - not quite as literal as you have taken it! Honestly - if someone you do business with said they had to cancel because their brother died…. You would be upset and refuse future business?! I really hope most people wouldn’t take that attitude. I’m aware of the big cultural differences between Ireland and the UK in relation to death but she sounds so cold and detached.

longtompot · 23/01/2025 20:20

So sorry for your loss @reallyfuckedoff I do think your sil is being unreasonable in expecting the date to be more suited to her rather than you and your children. I do wonder though if she gave you so many dates to give more options rather than anything else.
My late nanny's funeral was at held on my birthday and my dad apologised for it but it was the soonest date they could get. If god forbid I was ever in tne same position, I'd want to have the date that was as soon as possible and a more suitable for me and my kids and everyone else can come if they can make it. The only thing that would make me change it to a later date would be to make it easier for my sibling to fly from abroad, but they would probably fit in with what I chose tbh.

Porcuporpoise · 24/01/2025 20:01

Who are these people who can't take a day off work for the funeral of a sibling? What happens when they get sick?

RecklessGoddess · 24/01/2025 20:04

I am so sorry for your loss 🫂 ❤️. She is absolutely being unreasonable, selfish and cruel to be demanding you work around her work schedule. She should be working her work schedule around her own brother's funeral, I can't believe she would even want to do that in the first place!

Mumoftwoandcats · 24/01/2025 20:10

Its her brothers funeral, most employers would give her the day off….unless she’s super important at work! Regardless, this is your DH you’re talking about, it’s you and your DC that matter here. Organise it for when it suits you, and if she can’t be arsed getting the time off, that’s her problem, she shouldn’t be making it yours.
I'm so sorry for your loss x

cocoloco23 · 24/01/2025 20:14

TeenToTwenties · 23/01/2025 07:29

I think it depends a bit on her job.
If she is a surgeon in the NHS (whete a liad of operations will have to be cancelled) I'd have more sympathy than for most other jobs.

My surgery was cancelled as my surgeon had to go to a funeral. I completely understood.

Nazzywish · 24/01/2025 20:21

No advice OP but I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you and DC strength at this testing time