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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

302 replies

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 07:23

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

OP posts:
Miloarmadillo2 · 23/01/2025 07:26

YANBU she is massively insensitive. I’m sorry for your loss.

Destiny123 · 23/01/2025 07:26

So sorry to hear. You sound perfectly reasonable, she'd likely get compassionate leave as first degree relative.

Have you asked specifically why? If its a new job and she's had a lot of time off they may be threatening to sack her if had more time off, that may change my thoughts

KrisAkabusi · 23/01/2025 07:26

She's reasonable to ask, you're reasonable to say that doesn't suit you.

FloppySarnie · 23/01/2025 07:27

Sorry for your loss OP.

Do what’s best for you here. Prioritise your DC and yourself.

Agix · 23/01/2025 07:28

You live in an entirely different world to many people if you think you can just "cancel work". Not everyone can do this. I don't know your SILs situation with this.

I'd vote book the funeral when everyone important to your husband can attend - but if you're the one making arrangements and you've decided it suits you more to arrange it at a time his sister can't come, then theres nothing stopping you.

Sassybooklover · 23/01/2025 07:28

I don't have siblings but honestly, if I did, I wouldn't care when the funeral was, and would be there regardless of my work commitments. There are times in life when family comes before work. Yes, you can try and work around her, but equally it depends on the availability of the church/crematorium/funeral directors/wake venue too. Your priority is to yourself and children, not your SIL. Was your SIL close to your husband? I don't pretend to understand your SIL with her list of dates to avoid, because it seems bizarre. So sorry for your loss, sending you a hug ❤️

TeenToTwenties · 23/01/2025 07:29

I think it depends a bit on her job.
If she is a surgeon in the NHS (whete a liad of operations will have to be cancelled) I'd have more sympathy than for most other jobs.

myplace · 23/01/2025 07:30

I suppose it may depend. If it’s been a while, she’s reestablished work, there are some dates that are pivotal, it’s not unreasonable to try and work around them. Say you’ve been working on a project for a year and you’re in the final stages, there’s a local presentation, a client presentation and a conference abroad…

I’m sorry for your loss.

ThejoyofNC · 23/01/2025 07:30

There is no excuse, doesn't matter what her job is. I'd book the first available date and if she thinks she has somewhere more important to be then that's up to her.

Itrytobesensible · 23/01/2025 07:32

Having been in the position of having to arrange my own DH's funeral I know what an awful time dealing with the immediate aftermath of death is.
Your SiL is being really insensitive .
You must do what is best for yourself and your DC.

TankFlyBossWalkJamNittyGrittyIAmFromAMidSizeCity · 23/01/2025 07:32

The only people you need to consider here are you and your dc.

Book the funeral according to your needs and she can either attend or not, that's on her.

I'm so sorry 💐

JimHalpertsWife · 23/01/2025 07:32

You live in an entirely different world to many people if you think you can just "cancel work". Not everyone can do this. I don't know your SILs situation with this

I can't think of any jobs (bar maybe being deployed) where an employer would say no to you requesting a day off for your own brothers funeral.

Azandme · 23/01/2025 07:33

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do think what she does may impact whether or not she is being massively unreasonable.

festivemouse · 23/01/2025 07:33

So sorry for your loss OP.

Obviously funeral dates are quite hard to arrange and can't always suit all parties - I'd go for a date that the majority of people can make. If it's one she can't make and you knew this in advance then you may just have to accept that she can't make it. Depending on her job she may be really restricted - it's not always the case of "if she wanted to she would".

You said she's been very involved and helpful - focus on that part, she's stepped up in a time of need - don't focus on if she can't attend due to her work not allowing it, she's shown that she's there for you up to this point.

Perplexed20 · 23/01/2025 07:33

Agix · 23/01/2025 07:28

You live in an entirely different world to many people if you think you can just "cancel work". Not everyone can do this. I don't know your SILs situation with this.

I'd vote book the funeral when everyone important to your husband can attend - but if you're the one making arrangements and you've decided it suits you more to arrange it at a time his sister can't come, then theres nothing stopping you.

It's a traumatic time. Maybe rather than considering everyone else they could be stepping into the OP and her children's shoes.

Op, I'm so sorry this sounds like a very tough time.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/01/2025 07:34

As it’s his sister, I would tell her that you need to have the funeral asap, and it can either be on x day or y day. Tell her you know it’s tricky for her, so you are offering her the choice, you’ll go with whichever one works best for her. Then she can decide which is the least inconvenient.
The last thing you want to do is fall out with family at this point, but it’s not fair on you or DC to keep prolonging the funeral.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

olympicsrock · 23/01/2025 07:34

Is there an early date there with availability that she can do ? If so , choose that.

She’s not saying she won’t come if you book a date when she is working but why not choose a date that helps her if that is an option. Sorry for your loss.

AlwaysLookOnTheSnarkSide · 23/01/2025 07:35

myplace · 23/01/2025 07:30

I suppose it may depend. If it’s been a while, she’s reestablished work, there are some dates that are pivotal, it’s not unreasonable to try and work around them. Say you’ve been working on a project for a year and you’re in the final stages, there’s a local presentation, a client presentation and a conference abroad…

I’m sorry for your loss.

But even if that's the case then her company needs to find someone else to do the presentation or change it to a different day. I think most clients would be OK with a date change due to such a funeral.

My gut feeling is she's being very unreasonable but I guess without knowing the specifics it's hard to say. Maybe she's a top surgeon about to do a complicated 10 hour multi surgeon surgery and this is the only date everyone is available. But seeing as she has such a long list of dates she can't do it suggests she is being very inflexible and prioritising her life which is not fair.

Would not cross my mind though to try and request specific funeral dates.

GogAndMagog · 23/01/2025 07:35

It kind of depends.

If she's a surgeon and an operation involving many many people is planned and it took months to arrange, like separating conjoined twins then yes, try maybe to accommodate her.

Otherwise, no.

BilboBlaggin · 23/01/2025 07:36

Sorry for your loss OP. It's certainly not helpful of her. My own DH died last summer and it wasn't easy getting a date. His funeral ended up being a month after he died and his was a straightforward death from an illness, and certificate issued quickly.

I'd tell SIL that whilst you will do your best to avoid certain dates, your priority is your DC and your own mental wellbeing, so you can't promise not to clash. It's only one day out of her life, so she needs to be a bit flexible too. What sort of job does she do?

Ginmonkeyagain · 23/01/2025 07:37

Pretty much every employer would grant compassionate leave for a siblings funeral.

fiftiesmum · 23/01/2025 07:38

We have arranged funerals to fit around the work commitments of family members - they are in jobs (police, NHS, teaching, childcare) or for long distance travel where a replacement would have to be found and we live in an area where there is often a wait anyway.
Not sure if I would feel the same if it was for a young person - ours were all for elderly parents.

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/01/2025 07:39

It's tricky. If it's been a while, it can be difficult for others to live in limbo too, she may have been putting things off in order to be available and now things have backed up a lot. It happened to my mother with my uncle's funeral, she stayed available for almost a month waiting for the funeral and then just had to start committing to things again, some of which involved travel.

Not everyone is an employee, and not everyone's work is easy to rearrange at short notice.

Waterboatlass · 23/01/2025 07:40

With kindness I'm sorry but I think you are. I understand why you could have done without this but can think of many obvious jobs where people find it very difficult to get time off. There are other not so obvious ones where it depends on the company structure. She's been helpful and supportive and it doesn't sound like she asked rudely. I get that you don't want to have to consider anyone else, just get the organisation over with now but I think you should try to accommodate her. I would just pick the first mutually available date and move on.

People will always stir on these threads and tell you to only suit yourself but its not always possible or simple to arrange time off. I wouldn't take this as anything more than trying to make the day go smoothly. He was her brother too.

pelargoniums · 23/01/2025 07:41

If she’s been very involved and helpful up until this point, she’s not sent the dates to be difficult and make your life harder – she’s asking for some leeway. If the dates aren’t unreasonable – she’s left you with options and not, for instance, said “unavailable for the next six weeks, can do Thursdays after that” – I’d try to accommodate her, with the proviso that of course your and your DC’s limbo come first.

Funerals are a bastard to arrange and always take longer than you think. I’m sorry for your loss.