AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

Haven't you read the OP's updates? Employers aren't involved. They might be understanding, but clients who have been let down on long-arranged training commitments may well not be. OP acknowledges her SIL has been very supportive to date, and the chances are that that has been at the expense of her business.

You can't arrange a funeral around someone... 😧

Why would OP make up a whole story about going backwards and forwards with the funeral directors which just isn't true? There really isn't any need for this to be complicated: all she has to do is give the funeral directors the dates to avoid and ask if it's possible to book for the earliest available date/s that her SIL can do.

You could try reading OP's updates to find out?

Only read your posts op not the full thread.

I would say, continue to put your children first and if this allows you to accommodate her preferred dates then do so but otherwise leave attending up to her.

She's been unreasonable with the number of dates, yes, but as hard as it is to do I would try and cut her some slack. None of us behave normally when faced with such a horrendous tragedy and she it's feasible that she's holding tightly onto the control she can extend over her business to prevent herself falling apart.

Be gentle with yourself too. I am so very sorry x

But when you have specifically been asked about what would be the best date for you, why would you not answer and take your work commitments into account? As OP says her SIL has already been really supportive, the chances are she has already put work to one side a lot in order to be available to help. If you have a choice of one day when she is available and one when she isn't, why would you go for the one that would cause her maximum difficulty?

She didn't. She answered a question she was asked about her availability.

@Phthia exactly! There’s clearly a lot of people here who’ve never run their own business or worked in a business with clients! If you ask then the least you can do if take their needs into account to. It’s not like she’s a distant family member, it’s his sister!

I suspect that, having been asked, she thought she would be thorough. If someone asked me about my availability over the next three weeks, there would be a long list of unavailable dates because my diary is constantly filled with shortish notice appointments; after that it all tails off and I could put in a day out and arrange everything else around it. The reality is that OP is unlikely to get a crematorium date within the next three weeks anyway, so this will all become academic.

Try reading the OP's posts to find out what her job is? She doesn't have an employer.

It's not necessarily a matter of the client objecting. If, say, you are in charge of training for a big organisation, you go to massive trouble to arrange a training date and the provider then lets you down at a late stage, then no matter how sympathetic you may be about your reasons you aren't going to be happy about all the work you have to do to cancel the training and rearrange it, to say nothing of the expense involved. Bear in mind that organising these things may involve booking a venue, booking travel and hotels for people attending, arranging catering, arranging training packs, etc etc, so the client also potentially stands to lose a lot of money.

So the next time you're thinking about booking training, are you going to go back to that provider, or are you going to look for someone you perceive to be more reliable? It's not a matter of being horrible, it's a matter of thinking about what works best for your business.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Having sadly been in the funeral arranging business recently you don't really get a lot of say as to dates and timings. For reasons I won't go into, we wanted a morning slot and this was really tricky to get scheduled. You can sincerely try your best to accommodate SIL requests but you will be led by your undertaker/crematorium etc and their availability and this is perhaps the message to share with your SIL.

I really feel for you. It's such a stressful and upsetting time.

You really can. When we arranged my mother's funeral, the funeral director consulted us carefully about dates and we arranged it with regard mainly to the availability of my family and my brother's family. We also took into account that another brother in Australia wanted to watch it remotely, so it needed to happen early enough that he wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night. It all worked fine.

It depends on how it was presented. Was it a demand or a request

People saying no job would make it impossible to attend a loved one's funeral have very limited knowledge of the jobs out there

If you were due to be on location in Antarctica for a research project you couldn't be home for a funeral. or in the middle of some scientific project that involved billions of dollars and thousands of people and there were critical days where your presence was crucial to the project's success. Or if you worked on a film location and without you the entire film schedule would have to be halted costing millions in delay fees and creating problems for other members who have other jobs that they are booked in to do. And yes this is a thing if you are crucial to a shoot. Or if you are the lead in a project and there are delivery dates that are crucial and your lack of presence will cause the pitch to fail.

Jobs are complicated. Would they fire you? No. They would not be allowed to. But someone who is senior in a role that requires this level of commitment dies nit have the luxury of taking time out sometimes. Their role and remuneration usually reflect this.

If you were hit by a bus then life would go on but being incapacitated is accepted in a way that being otherwise engaged is not. Because other people's time, money, lives depend on people being where they need to be.

Or if you are booked in for your own operation and you've waited 8 months for this.

There are so many valid reasons people might not be able to be flexible.

So back to it friends on how it's presented. A demand or a request

But 10 days in the next 3 weeks??

I've booked the funeral on a mutually agreeable date, although it's later than I would have liked.
When I phoned SIL to let her know, she couldn't talk because she's out shopping with a friend.
I think she is just having a very different experience to me at the moment - she is very sad and grieving but is essentially getting on with her life.
I have dropped absolutely everything to be here for my DC and am sorting out all the finances as well as clearing out the house to get it on the market.

The friend is maybe just trying to take her mind off it.

Don't be scared to ask her for help. People don't know how best to help

Thank you for the update OP. I hope the funeral can remember all the good times with your DH.

I think she will be having a very different experience, it’s different losing a sibling than a spouse, you have children to care for and your worlds been turned on its head. She has lost a loved one but she wasn’t dependent on them and didn’t share children, finances etc that all need attention. @reallyfuckedoff i hope you’re able to look after yourself in all of the caring for others. I’m very sorry for your loss.

Yadnbu and I'm so sorry for your loss. This reminded me of my parent's friends who, when visiting my Dad on his last day, asked us not to hold the funeral on X date because it was their wedding anniversary. My Dad was still alive, they were standing by his bed.

Giving 10 dates out of 19 (funerals won’t be held on Sundays) is ridiculous. Her priorities are clearly wrong. OP and her kids should not be left hanging like this.

People grieve in different ways,.at different paces

People can be going through other hard stuff at the same time as grieving.

Her friend might need support with something
She might be burying her head in the sand

I know the isolation of feeling like everyone else is back to normal, but that doesn't mean they are.

I also know that sometimes I have coped with grief by putting on a brave face and doing normal things..that didn't mean I hurt less than when I wasn't functioning at all

However I do sympathise with the huge practical burden you may feel very alone with. Do you have people (whether SIL or others) you could message to ask for help with any aspects of that. I am sure people would be glad to do what they can to ease the load

Ps I am so sorry for your loss, I am sure just getting through each day is an immense challenge right now and I am a bit shocked your SIL made finding a date so tricky

That's ok that she's out shopping, it could be the difference in her falling into a deep depression or keep going. But she shouldn't shun your call at a time like this.

I just couldn’t imagine not supporting a SIL even if I don’t get on with her that well. And I say that as someone, where this is the case albeit they’re in the process of divorcing.